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General Buddhism => General Buddhism => Topic started by: DSFriend on January 15, 2012, 01:17:50 PM
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From Wikepedia, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Forgiveness (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Forgiveness)
"Forgiveness is typically defined as the process of concluding resentment, indignation or anger as a result of a perceived offense, difference or mistake, or ceasing to demand punishment or restitution...."
Wikipedia described the process by using very big words and seems easier said than done. Most of us if not all of us, have been hurt, disappointed time and time again. What does forgiveness means in buddhist context? How did you overcome what you went thru and felt you have forgiven the person.
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If we cannot forgive, the anger will remain, the suffering continues and we will not be able to move on. Forgiveness is a kind of compassion for the person who has hurt you. As Buddhists, we need to look at things from the point of view of dharma and also karma.
By forgiving the person who has hurt you, you are in fact applying the antidotes to anger, such as love, understanding, patience, and compassion. If you can understand the suffering of others, you will be able to forgive, and as a result be a happier person. Believing in karma also helps. If we accept our karma, it is easier to forgive and not blame the other person. We might have done the same thing to him/her in a previous life.
In our previous lives and in this life, we have hurt many beings. We should seek their forgiveness in our prayers. Similarly, we must also forgive those who have hurt us, in our previous lives and in this life. This way we will have no enemies and our lives will be more happy and peaceful.
My method is to let others win. Although I'm the boss, I can still be humble and say sorry. It is very effective. They all end up being very respectful and polite. And they stop complaining. It really doesn't matter who is right and who is wrong. Just say sorry and be kind.
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Forgiveness is bliss cos it frees us of the anger and resentment and hatred to the person who have done wrong to us. It is not an easy task especially when we have hurt a lot. When we forgive, it does not mean we forget. We still have memory of the incident but it does not affect us anymore. We cannot wipe out our memory. It just means that we are no longer attached to the incident. Even if they are wrong in accusing us, we have to forgive.
In one of the verses in the 8 verses of Thought Transformations, it says:
"Whenever others, because of their jealousy, treat me badly
with abuse, insult, slander, or in other unjust ways, may I accept this
defeat myself and offer the victory to others."
It is Buddhist practice if we are able to forgive and let others win even though they have mistreated us badly. This is because when we accept defeat (forgive), we are practicing kindness and not letting ourselves reacting in non-virtuous ways like being angry. We are in a way cultivating compassion in us and elimating our self-cherishing mind.
Let's all forgive!
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Forgiveness is understanding that when others hurt me, they do so by ignorance, they do so because they think ignorantly that their hurtful action would solve a suffering they experience, they do so because they want to be happy, yet go about it the wrong way.
Forgiveness is understanding that the hurtful action was not directed at me, that I am not the focus and axis of the hurtful action, the focus is a state of suffering experienced by the person hurting me.
Forgiveness is understanding that the way to help the person hurting me cannot be found in a mindset of defensiveness, retaliation, revenge nor can it be found in a mindset of numbness, indifference or carelesness.
I am not under attack, I witness and experience (painfully) an ignorant mind that suffers a great deal and that is trying to find peace.
Only after I forgive can I start thinking of ways to help the person that did hurt me.
Without forgiveness, this would be impossible (with forgiveness I can only develop a mind of hatred and it is impossible to combine hatred and compassion at the same time - impossible).
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If we give up resentment against someone, then we no longer have desire to retaliate or seek revenge. In short, we forgive them.
It's not easy to forgive when we re hurt or offended. To forgive means to let go of the hurt feeling and our grudges.
Forgiveness is a self transformation. when we forgive we transform our anger into positive mental state of goodwill (kindness & compassion).
Forgive doesn't mean to forget but to remember to prevent from people to have chance to hurt us.
If we want to be happy, we have to forgive. This is real buddhist practitioner.
If we hurt others we hurt ourselves. If we help others we help ourselves.
Forgiveness is a giving up of self centredness and we develop a more emotional maturity.
As Shantideva says in the Bodhicaryavatara:
"One's mind finds no peace, neither enjoys pleasure or delight, nor goes to sleep, nor feels secure while the dart of hatred is stuck in the heart. Those whom one honors with wealth and respect, and also one's dependents, even they long to destroy the ¾master who is disfigured by hatred. Even friends shrink from him. He gives, but is not honored. In short, there is no sense in which someone prone to anger is well off. The person who realizes that hatred is an enemy, since it creates such sufferings as these, and who persistently strikes it down, it happy in this world and the next."
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In one of the verses in the 8 verses of Thought Transformations, it says:
"Whenever others, because of their jealousy, treat me badly
with abuse, insult, slander, or in other unjust ways, may I accept this
defeat myself and offer the victory to others."
This verse applies to everyone regardless of religion. If we can apply this into our daily lives, then we will be able to let go of our ego, hatred, anger and practice loving kindness, understanding and patience.
I agree with Galen that forgiveness is bliss as it frees us from resentment, anger and hatred even though it is not an easy task. However, when we look at great masters like HHDL who has full of compassion and forgiveness, it gives us the inspiration to put this act into our practice.
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When we forgive, it ends our own torturing so we can be free to help ourselves and others. When we hold onto grudges, the person we tie down the most is ourselves.
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My method is to let others win. Although I'm the boss, I can still be humble and say sorry. It is very effective. They all end up being very respectful and polite. And they stop complaining. It really doesn't matter who is right and who is wrong. Just say sorry and be kind. ( from Midakpa )
While I agree that your method works, it may still be limited to letting others have their small wins . Like, if a street boy pinched five dollar from our pocket, most of us would probably be able to react not too negatively and also easy to let it go. However, imagine the scenario where he damaged your brand new car and you got to fork out a few thousand bucks at the work shop and for a few weeks have to go to work by bus.
My point is, unless we have true acceptance of a bad experience arising from someone, our letting go will not be complete and there will be lingering bitterness which will build up silently in us until it blows up one day. The highest level of acceptance and hence true letting go can only be achieved when we have realized the true nature of things and where they are coming from. The next level should be compassion based. Midakpa's statement here is more a psychological or intellectual decision which can only work for small issues or challenges.
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Anger is one of my serious issue that i need to really overcome and i'm in the midst of practicing ZEN..look at things at a wider scope, divert my anger to positive motivation, learn how to chill and relax when my nerves go up to neck..Anger is destructive.
Due to my anger, i've hurt people and eventually myself, because when you make people suffer, in the end of the day the suffer will come back to you. Karma bites! (if you believe in karma) I agree with hope rainbow" Forgiveness is understanding that the way to help the person hurting me cannot be found in a mindset of defensiveness, retaliation, revenge nor can it be found in a mindset of numbness, indifference or carelesness. I am not under attack, I witness and experience (painfully) an ignorant mind that suffers a great deal and that is trying to find peace."
Peace is the most precious thing that we want to pursue in our life. When we are blinded by anger, jealousy, ignorant etc, we hardly can think properly or even breathe properly. Our mind is full of negative thoughts. After consulting my Buddhist friend, i'm now practicing to have an open heart, accept whatever it comes, be compassionate and kind, hope my anger issue can go away, it doesn't hurt more people..
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I think forgiveness is difficult if we keep a narrow mind and think we are hurt very badly and no one else is as hurt as we are. Truth be told! There are many people who are in worse situations but they do not react as negatively as we do. I realized this when I interacted with many senior Dharma students and I noticed how they handle very negative situations with certain individuals and they do it with so much grace, forgiveness and loving kindness even.
I think such observation and comparison is a good yardstick for my practice. I don't think as humans we can't avoid being hurt. The key is not to react in anger. We control our anger and not the other way round. Those who find it difficult to forgive others and always volatile and in fits of rage really need to control their anger even more. That's because it is actually a very dangerous situation to be in because each moment of rage creates multiple causes to be born in hell or hell-like situations.
Anyway, I do think that people who are very angry are usually people who have very little control of their lives and anger is just a method to exert control over certain individuals. Another possible cause is due to a lot of deep-seated regrets that sometimes manifest as anger. Knowing the root cause could be a good way to find ways to heal this rage within. Meditations like Guru Yoga with a lot of Migtsema recitations is one good meditative way to heal.
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I like this topic because we are being ‘ hurt’ all the time and learning how to forgive will be extremely useful . The thing about forgiveness is that we apply it only after we are hurt or harmed. In this sense, it is a damage control remedy. Due to this reason, the only opportunity we have to train in developing such a forgiving attitude is when we are hurt and that is the challenge ! The 8 verses come to mind immediately , in particular the 5th & 6th verses to offer victory and accept defeat, and to view those who hurt or harm us as supreme teachers. I understand now its wisdom.
I think the most beneficial aspect of forgiving is that it allows us to move on. It also protects our mind from being dragged down by bitterness which if uncontrolled develops into hatred and worst of all, getting back by taking revenge. If someone poked our eye out and we accept the damage had happened, forgive and move on ,its only one person and we contain the problem. If we take revenge , eventually the whole world goes blind. From this logic, forgiving is not about losing but taking responsibility to avoid a chain reaction of hatred that can destroy the world. When we come to terms with this logic and reality , if we forgive someone, we will feel good that we have done something truly beneficial by not escalating or being influenced by the person's negative action and that makes whatever pain we had to absorb worth it.We are in control.
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The first thing that comes to my mind is that there is nothing to forgive if one is not hurt. Of course, to be hurt really depends on the things done to us. If some body just did some minor to us, we may not even notice it and we need not forgive that person. If someone kill our family for example, then we are more likely to be hurt and then there is a need to forgive.
In the context of Buddhism, if there is no self-cherishing then there is no need to forgive and we are not hurt. However, for most of us, we DO have self-cherishing mind, hence there is OTHERS that can hurt us, hence we need to forgive.
I find the "Eight verses for Training the Mind" to be the best practice for this.
Eight Verses for Training the Mind
by Langri Thangpa
With a determination to accomplish
The highest welfare for all sentient beings
Who surpass even a wish-granting jewel
I will learn to hold them supremely dear.
Whenever I associate with others I will learn
To think of myself as the lowest among all
And respectfully hold others to be supreme
From the very depths of my heart.
In all actions I will learn to search into my mind
And as soon as an afflictive emotion arises
Endangering myself and others
Will firmly face and avert it.
I will learn to cherish beings of bad nature
And those oppressed by strong sins and suffering
As if I had found a precious
Treasure very difficult to find.
When others out of jealousy treat me badly
With abuse, slander, and so on,
I will learn to take on all loss,
And offer victory to them.
When one whom I have benefited with great hope
Unreasonably hurts me very badly,
I will learn to view that person
As an excellent spiritual guide.
In short, I will learn to offer to everyone without exception
All help and happiness directly and indirectly
And respectfully take upon myself
All harm and suffering of my mothers.
I will learn to keep all these practices
Undefiled by the stains of the eight worldly conceptions
And by understanding all phenomena as like illusions
Be released from the bondage of attachment.
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Before I knew the beauty of Dharma, it was hard to forgive someone and in the end it was all I could think of. How the other person hurt me and made it hard for me. I blamed everything and everyone for what I was going thru. How can bad things happen to me and not other people? Then I found out about karma and realized the world as I see it is not that bad. There are worse cases out there and they go on with their life with anger until the day they die. It's actually very easy once I learn how to let go and practice it every day. Even saying thank you/sorry to other people makes me happy as their eyes lit up because they feel appreciated. I am so glad I found my root Guru early for He made me saw things I never knew I could.
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If we are seriously wanting to be happy then we must recognize that the truth to happiness lies inside us. And when we learn the Dharma we acquire the teachings/skills to develop inner happiness. Forgiveness is necessary because the inability to do so causes unhappiness and bitterness.
Be happy, forgive and most of all forget what people have done to you... Do not waste your mental peace by clouding it with "memories of pain". NO POINT.
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I agree with Galen and Hope rainbow. Forgiveness is very important as a buddhist practitioner because in order to practise compassion, we must let go of the person who hurt us. Compassion is about accepting the person unconditionally, both the good and bad qualities. Since all negative actions arise from ignorance and our sufferings are from our negative karma, we shouldn't blame the person but just accept.
When we continue to practise compassion no matter how difficult it may be at times, over time, it'll be easier to let go and forgive. The key is consistency to the practice. As the saying goes, practice makes perfect.
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I would like share what I observed of an angersome friend that I knew. I am explaining this not to put him down but to understand his or her cause so we do not become like them and also we can help others that we may encounter in the future.
My friend loses his temper very easily and for the smallest and pettiest of reasons. He didn't grow up hating the world. He grew up with everything that he ever wanted or in other words, pretty much a silver spoon in his mouth due to the kindness of his father. However, he hated his father because his mother left them when he was very young. The mother left the father for a wealthier man and the father was scarred. So, he worked even harder and provided everything out of love.
At times, his father even spoilt him with money, perhaps out of guilt. Sadly, my friend grew up to resent the father because he blamed his father for the absence of his mother and so, he keeps spending the father's money, perhaps its his way to get back at his father. He was highly intelligent but unable to secure any business for long before bankrupting the companies he made. He became demanding and controlled everyone with his temper and money. He is seen as an extremely volatile and angry person. People tolerate him only because he is rich. But his demeanor scares all the prospective clients away and he made enemies in high places.
That's the situation my friend is in and I tried to talk him out of it but its very hard as he has no faith in the Dharma, doesn't listen and he is in a very bad situation right now. He has said very nasty things to me before and I didn't take it to heart but no one else has forgiven him. I post this as an example of a reason why a person can be very angry.
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I find this interesting purely because we always perceive forgiveness as something we need to do for the other person in order for us to move on. That is a rather egotistical view I feel... as who are we to absolve the person of his or her wrong doing and then feel good about it. Hmmmm...
I feel "forgiveness" should be an emotion where we tell ourselves and no one else that no outside influence can and will harm, anger, frustrate or hurt us. That we are after all, masters of our own emotions and whatever we experience, good or bad arises from our self. There is really no need to "forgive" another if we do not let the other effect us. When we do, it is actually our fault and has arisen from our own negative karma to begin with. On that same token, whatever good we experience is to a certain extent a culmination of the good that we have done.
Am I saying here there is no need to say "thank you", "sorry" or "its ok"... NO! I am merely saying that we should reflect and understand why we say anything to begin with. Where it comes from. What the motivation is. It is easy to say "sorry"... it is easy to say "I forgive you"... but deep down inside we need to ask ourselves why?
Yeah it is one of those days of reflection! ;)
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I'd like to share a story on why forgiveness is important.
I used to have a very close friend that hangs out with me all the time and all and was really nice to me, but in the end I realize he was lying about many things so I confronted him. He immediately ended the friendship and cut off all contact. That was 6 years ago.
Recently I tried to add him in facebook again and he put in his status a psycho from the past tried to readd me. no way!. And in the comment, he made many snide remarks against me without revealing my name and there were other friends of his who didint even know me made rude comments like ship him to a rocket so that he wont harm others etc. I realized I did have hurt him a lot and I have apologized to him over the years, he said he has forgiven me but the recent action shows that he has not. And he does this sort of lies to me and everyone else around him all the time. That was what i could not stand and what i was so angry about back then. But after meeting my Lama I learnt to forgive and let go, although he has not. For him to react that way, it must have hurt him very badly and he has not let go until now, and probably he is not happy deep inside having to live so many lies to so many different people just so that he can fulfill their expectations and be loved and accepted. It dosent take much to see where is he heading to with that attitude of his.
If I have not met my Lama, I would not have forgiven him at all, and would have become bitter and such, and i wouldnt be the happier person that I am now.
He has been a good friend, but once i saw past his lies and confronted him, he turned into a monster. I guess this is samsara after all, lol where friends can be enemies in a single instant.
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I agree with yontemjamyang, we forgive someone whom we think has hurt us. If there is no hurt, there is nothing to forgive. So when we think someone has hurt us, we feel angry at the person because we think it is all the person's fault and it is very unfair/unreasonable for the person to hurt you. As a result, we may want to take revenge at the person and try to let the person have a "taste of his own medicine".
I also agree with KhedrubGyatso forgiving is not about losing but taking responsibility to avoid a chain reaction of hatred that can destroy the world
Forgiving is putting the other person's happiness above our own desire to be the end winner. Forgiving means accepting that we have been hurt, we feel it, and let go, move on. We acknowledge that we also play a big part of getting into a situation to be hurt by the other person (or ourselves) i.e. karma. By forgiving, we set both ourselves and the person free from the emotional baggage caused by the conflict.
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To forgive someone whom you feel has hurt you is not easy. But if you do not do so, how are you going to move on, with all that anger and hatred trapped inside you? By forgiving the other person, you are doing yourself a favor - you will feel lighter. You do not need to be pretentious in his presence. Forgive and move on.
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Feelings of hurt if not healed will turn into anger, bitterness and revenge. To look at this the other way round then, perhaps it's a sign/symtom of how much anger a person has if the person experiences difficulties in forgiving.
The chances for us to not get hurt is close to nil, but learning how to transform the feelings of hurt into something positive instead of destructive to ourselves and others is what i'm interested in learning and mastering.
I find people with a bigger vision and mission than just preserving oneself to be inspirational in overcoming hurt done to them. ie., the monks who have lived through tremendous persecutions with no negative psychological effects, or people like Aung San Suu Kyi.
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Once, I heard Oprah in one of her shows said -
Forgiveness means you don't want to let the person that had hurt you to continue with controlling your life. By not forgiving , you are actually submitting yourself to the person that had caused harm to you, you allow him/her to control your mind and 'give up' your happiness to him. Forgiveness is freeing oneself from negative emotions.
Later, my Guru taught -
People that don't or can't forgive is like some one who's stuck his hand into fire , though experiencing pain, is foolish enough to let his hand stay in the fire. We have a choice, we can stop this pain that is deep in our heart. Yes, we had been hurt. Someone had been unfair to us, wronged us etc. However, what is the point of harping on and on about this ? No point repeating and reliving these unhappy episodes.
We should make the free choice of withdrawing our hand from the fire by forgiving the person that had harmed us because we don't want to continue with the pain.
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The highest level of acceptance and hence true letting go can only be achieved when we have realized the true nature of things and where they are coming from. The next level should be compassion based. Midakpa's statement here is more a psychological or intellectual decision which can only work for small issues or challenges.
(from KhedrubGyatso)
True, but at the beginning of one's practice, letting people win is very hard and takes a lot of swallowing of one's pride. Normally, one tends to argue, justify and defend. But if one can apologise to the other person, even though one is absolutely sure one is right, then to some extent, one will conquer anger. I'm only referring to a beginner in Dharma, not one who has attainments.
On the other hand, if we were the other person being apologised to, if we do not accept others' apologies, then it is a transgression of one of the 46 secondary Bodhisattva vows.
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I've carefully read through the sharing from so many of you and truly, there are many good reasons to forgive.
Is there really one good reason to hold on and NOT FORGIVE? I honestly can't think of one. Even if i can think of, it can easily be refuted by debating with myself. Let's say we do not forgive, and it turns into anger and revenge, which leads us to inflict the same dosage of pain or more back to the "guilty person".I am of course referring to normal people who are not clinically pronounced as being mentally ill!
Revenge or getting back at others will not truly give the satisfaction or peace we desperately need. The ill feelings will still be there. How can hurting others bring healing? Impossible.
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From Wikepedia, [url]http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Forgiveness[/url] ([url]http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Forgiveness[/url])
What does forgiveness means in buddhist context? How did you overcome what you went thru and felt you have forgiven the person.
I cannot answer what Forgiveness means in a Buddhist context but I recall reading somewhere that Forgiveness in the Christian context (God's forgiveness of our sins) is to deem the sin never to have occurred at all, and therefore the sinner not to have committed the sin. Everything is wiped clean.
Not so easy is it?
In reality, forgiveness is a futile exercise for the sinner because whether you are forgiven or not, the bad deed is already "recorded" and the karmic seed planted. No amount of forgiveness is going to change that. And sooner or later, the law of karma dictates that you must face the consequences.
On the other hand, the concept of forgiveness offers the forgiver the opportunity to let go of the hurt, to transcend the attachment to being the victim of something very unfair and hurtful.
So long as human beings are still attached to feelings, I think it is very difficult to forgive. We keep hearing the advice "Forgive but don't forget". How do we forgive as in wipe it from our record unless we learn to forget"?
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Anger, Hate, Jealousy and many many more negative feelings come from the inability to forgive. When there is no forgiveness there is no compassion and when there is no compassion there is no love.
Without the true foundation for happiness which is love, we can never be happy. So I will practise forgiveness for the benefit of gaining love and with unconditional and compassionate love, I will gain happiness.
This is the basic truth that I understand from the wonderful study and practice of Buddhism.
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As the saying goes 'to forgive is divine'.As a Buddhist we are more forgiving towards others as we believe in the law of karma.What happened to us might due to our previous bad actions that we had committed to the other party.Realising this a good and knowledgeable Buddhist will not waste his time torturing himself with hatred.Let us be free from greed,among those who are greedy and realised the value of tolerance.We can live happily when there is no hatred in our minds.
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Forgiveness in a Buddhist way is to understand where the pain or hurt come from. By understanding that all circumstances arises from our own action be it positive or negative it is a lot easier to forgive because we know that suffering never ends by holding on to grudges and resentment.
Forgiving is a lot easier than hate , anger and resentment. It takes a lot less time and energy to forgive. Forgiveness generates a compassionate mind that leads to peace of mind and ultimately peace & harmony to everyone around you.
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As a buddhist practitioner we must learn how to forgive. Because if we can not forgive it, it mean we still could not let go and still hold on to the grudge or still angry with that particular things. Our practice in spiritual path will never progress because of the mind which full of anger.
Below is the story of how Buddha teach the lesson on forgiveness.
The Buddha Teaches a Lesson on Forgiveness
The Buddha was sitting under a tree talking to his disciples when a man came and spit on his face. He wiped it off, and he asked the man, “What next? What do you want to say next?” The man was a little puzzled because he himself never expected that when you spit on somebody’s face, he will ask, “What next?” He had no such experience in his past. He had insulted people and they had become angry and they had reacted. Or if they were cowards and weaklings, they had smiled, trying to bribe the man. But Buddha was like neither, he was not angry nor in any way offended, nor in any way cowardly. But just matter-of-factly he said, “What next?” There was no reaction on his part.
Buddha’s disciples became angry, they reacted. His closest disciple, Ananda, said, “This is too much, and we cannot tolerate it. He has to be punished for it. Otherwise everybody will start doing things like this.”
Buddha said, “You keep silent. He has not offended me, but you are offending me. He is new, a stranger. He must have heard from people something about me, that this man is an atheist, a dangerous man who is throwing people off their track, a revolutionary, a corrupter. And he may have formed some idea, a notion of me. He has not spit on me, he has spit on his notion. He has spit on his idea of me because he does not know me at all, so how can he spit on me?
“If you think on it deeply,” Buddha said, “he has spit on his own mind. I am not part of it, and I can see that this poor man must have something else to say because this is a way of saying something. Spitting is a way of saying something. There are moments when you feel that language is impotent: in deep love, in intense anger, in hate, in prayer. There are intense moments when language is impotent. Then you have to do something. When you are angry, intensely angry, you hit the person, you spit on him, you are saying something. I can understand him. He must have something more to say, that’s why I’m asking, “What next?”
The man was even more puzzled! And Buddha said to his disciples, “I am more offended by you because you know me, and you have lived for years with me, and still you react.”
Puzzled, confused, the man returned home. He could not sleep the whole night. When you see a Buddha, it is difficult, impossible to sleep again the way you used to sleep before. Again and again he was haunted by the experience. He could not explain it to himself, what had happened. He was trembling all over and perspiring. He had never come across such a man; he shattered his whole mind and his whole pattern, his whole past.
The next morning he was back there. He threw himself at Buddha’s feet. Buddha asked him again, “What next? This, too, is a way of saying something that cannot be said in language. When you come and touch my feet, you are saying something that cannot be said ordinarily, for which all words are a little narrow; it cannot be contained in them.” Buddha said, “Look, Ananda, this man is again here, he is saying something. This man is a man of deep emotions.”
The man looked at Buddha and said, “Forgive me for what I did yesterday.”
Buddha said, “Forgive? But I am not the same man to whom you did it. The Ganges goes on flowing, it is never the same Ganges again. Every man is a river. The man you spit upon is no longer here. I look just like him, but I am not the same, much has happened in these twenty-four hours! The river has flowed so much. So I cannot forgive you because I have no grudge against you.”
“And you also are new. I can see you are not the same man who came yesterday because that man was angry and he spit, whereas you are bowing at my feet, touching my feet. How can you be the same man? You are not the same man, so let us forget about it. Those two people, the man who spit and the man on whom he spit, both are no more. Come closer. Let us talk of something else.”
http://www.youaretrulyloved.com/enlightenment/the-buddha-teaches-a-lesson-on-forgiveness/ (http://www.youaretrulyloved.com/enlightenment/the-buddha-teaches-a-lesson-on-forgiveness/)
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The Nature of Forgiveness
Mustering up genuine compassion for those who have wronged us, instead of allowing anger toward them to eat away at us, is the course of action recommended by most psychologists.
as explained in http://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/forgiveness (http://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/forgiveness)
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We tell ourselves we must forgive but we must also ask ourselves this question Can We Forgive?
Read :
Can You Forgive?
Do you know how to forgive others and yourself?
Published on October 3, 2011 by Mark Banschick, M.D. in The Intelligent Divorce
Can you forgive? From Jews preparing for Yom Kippur, the holiest Jewish day, to Catholics going to confession before Easter, all religions understand the healing power of forgiveness. Everyone can relate to carrying a grudge that's gone on for too long or feeling guilty for a wrongdoing that needs to be atoned. This is how we are built. As long as there are relationships, there will be a need for forgiveness.
Forgiveness is a powerful and affirmative part of our humanity. It should be differentiated from its close cousin, acceptance, which while important, is essentially, passive. For many, the healing power of forgiveness allows us to truly move on. It's a topic that is relevant to your life, whether you are religious or not, Jewish or not, guilty or not. A life lived without forgiveness is a life of real pain.
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It is important that we as an adult must learn to forgive our self by taking responsibility and owning up our behaviour. We all grow old and will die. We face frustrations, heartbreaks, dashed hopes and expectations. No one is free from all these. When we realised that, isn’t it the same that the other person whom has hurt us also suffers. So what makes them different from us? They deserve to be forgiven. Likewise we ourselves deserve to be forgiven too. Let's move on.
Quote: Empathy inspires understanding, which flowers into compassion and leads to forgiveness.
http://suite101.com/article/applying-buddhist-teachings-to-forgiveness-a298463#ixzz1zDp9vLYM (http://suite101.com/article/applying-buddhist-teachings-to-forgiveness-a298463#ixzz1zDp9vLYM)
Forgiveness in Buddhism says that we do not condone the harm, but we also do not condemn the person. Honesty and humility require us to admit that, indeed, that person could be us under other circumstances. We must understand that the person wronged us because he or she was suffering. When we understand that he or she was suffering, we are more likely to develop compassion. That's worlds apart from seeing that person as “the other,” the “us vs. them” mentality, dualistic thinking which encourages division and fuels hate. Hate begets hate, but compassion begets compassion.
Focusing on wrongs that have been committed imprisons the mind in delusion and obsession. Realization of a wrong should not mire us in negativity but should inspire effort to work for constructive change. We can forgive those who have done us wrong while also refraining from putting ourselves into the position for the wrong to be repeated. When we need to forgive ourselves, we must acknowledge that what we've done is wrong and resolve never to repeat the act. To forgive ourselves fully requires a deep understanding of why we committed the wrong so that we can move on and do better.
All actions are led by the mind; mind is their master, mind is their maker.
Act or speak with a defiled state of mind, and suffering will follow as the cart-wheel follows the foot of the ox.
All actions are led by the mind; mind is their master, mind is their maker.
Act or speak with a pure state of mind, and happiness will follow as your shadow that remains behind without departing.