Loss and coming to terms with it!

[Positive Change]

Here’s my favorite story about the Buddha which encapsulates this topic. Do let me know of your thoughts on this matter:

A grieving young mother from a poor background begged him to revive her dead son. Not only was she heartbroken, but she feared her husband’s wealthy family would punish and shun her for the child’s death.   

The Buddha promised to bring the boy back to life if she returned with a mustard seed from a home where death had never visited. She thanked him profusely and set off for town. 

The young mother knocked on door after door and heard heartbreaking stories of loss. Finally, she grasped the Buddha’s teaching: that sorrow is a part of life. She returned, bowed deeply to the Buddha, and asked him to help her bury her child.

The meaning behind this simple teaching is very poignant for me. It reaffirms that we all suffer from loss at some point in our lives. We are no different. It may seem at the point of suffering that only the "I" matters but if we look at it from a wider and farther perspective we will see that none of us are spared as long as we are in samsara!

[fruven]

If we are ignorant to the meaning and keep searching for a mustard seed from a home where death had never visited death may come to us even before we realize it is pointless to search that mustard seed. Buddha gave the instruction to her knowing that she can come to realize that truth about death and not afraid of being blame and punish for her child's death. Not everyone can follow the same instruction and realize it therefore the Buddha has the wisdom to help us to realize all our ignorance about realities.

[Jessie Fong]

The death of a family member is not easy to deal with you. There is disbelief and grieve, sometimes regret.

Unless you are a care-giver for a dying person, death comes as a shock for anybody.  With someone who is showing signs of ageing and dying, we can expect death to be near.  At this stage, we can actually prepare ourselves for the person's passing away.

It is harder to accept another person's death when it is unexpected as in an accident.  Shock happens first before the loss creeps in.

In this story, it clearly tells us that there is no household that has not experienced death.

[dondrup]

We are beings of the Desire realm.  Naturally we will develop attachments to many objects of our attachment for example, our loved ones.  We ignorantly grasp onto these objects believing them to be real and permanent and that we own them forever.  However, the nature of all phenomena in samara is that these objects are impermanent. These objects arise from the gathering of the causes and conditions.  When the causes and conditions are no longer applicable, these objects change, disintegrate, dissolve, and transform into something else.  Our loved ones have died because the causes and conditions for their existence no longer apply. 

Believing that we are the most important, that we will be lonely, that our loved ones belong to us, that we can’t live without them, etc. causes us to feel the pain of separation.  We must accept the suffering of loss is inevitable in samara and learn to let go of our attachments. We will depart from all the objects of our attachment upon our death. Why hold onto something that does not belong to us at all?

[bambi]

Its so easy to apply the word 'impermanence' to the situations we come across. I understand the mother's grief as it is not easy to accept the passing of a loved one. And this is why we should contemplate and remind ourselves everyday that things happen as nothing is permanent. It would definitely be impossible to get a mustard seed. We come and go but what have we done to make this precious life useful and beneficial?

[sonamdhargey]

Truly inspiring story. Thank you Positive Change. In the moment of grief, in that very moment we want to get out of that feeling, we do not want to be in grief. We want a quick fix. We want it to be reversed. We want to do something to change it back. That itself reflects our self cherishing mind. We failed to understand that the grief, the sadness is in us all and death is unavoidable. We are in the samsara.

[RedLantern]

Losing a loved one is something that can seem unbearable, and when it happens that can make you question how you can go on living. We have to go on living for the others that loves us and need our support in this difficult times.W have to face up to that  loss and acknowledge it.In this way you can deal with the feelings and let them out by mourning and this will then prevent you from having to hide from the memory of that loved one.Value the relationships you still have and the part they played in them and this can help you to find peace.Spend time with friends and family and get back to work and you can begin to find some semblance of normality again.
It is very important to have Dharma in our lives as we will accept "impermenance" more easily and reduce our attachments which leads us to sufferings.

[vajratruth]

Grief is probably one of the most common feelings amongst human beings and at certain points in our lives we have all experienced loss in one form or another. I guess we grieve because someone or something precious has been taken away from us, be it a loved one or something we treasure.

It is here that we must all recognize 2 human characteristics i.e. (i) failure to recognize or remember that nothing is permanent and therefore we are not prepared for the eventuality of the loss and (ii) a habitual and  very subtle self cherishing habit that relates the passing of someone as OUR loss and fills us with grief from the separation.

Of course we grieve the loss but it is important not to hang on to that sadness. I remember my Guru's advice that whenever we undergo a period of suffering such as when we experience a great loss, we should shift the focus away from ourselves and embrace the sadness whilst thinking compassionately that, as we willingly accept this grief, may we suffer so that others in similar positions do not have to suffer so much.

The parable of the mustard seed tells us that no one holds exclusivity in experiencing pain and no one is exempted from suffering and therefore even as we grieve our loss, we must develop compassion for others who also have felt the same pain. The common experience of pain that we all share ought to bind us in a deep understanding of one another.

[Barzin]

It is never easy to loose some one or thing that we love, but it is harder if we did not realize the fact that in fact we did not own any of the items.  Hence, when we become too attach and when it's gone we become heart broken.  Death is something inevitable because we see it as the end of human's life.. so how much we can let go actually depend on how attach we are to them when they are alive.

[Benny]

Like Ubbirri the grieving mother who had the fortune of meeting the historical Buddha , how many of us would NOT go running helter-skelter looking for that mustard seed ? To me grief is an opportunity that wakes us up from the lulling effects of denial and procrastination of samsara. Denial and procrastination that robs us of the opportunity to prepare.
 
Grief provides us the opportunity because grief may push us into the hard question of WHY ? Why do I have to suffer like this ? Why does this have to happen to me ? Why did this one have to die ?  In the tangled web of “WHYS”, we cannot find the reasons or words to make sense of our sadness.

The Noble Truth of suffering , of great and small losses is a river that runs in the underground of all of our lives. When it breaks to the surface, we might feel as though only “I” know this pain. Undeniably,  grief is a universal experience, touching mothers , sons, daughters and dying people , ALL of us.

[Tenzin K]

To the average man death is by no means a pleasant subject or talk for discussion. It is something dismal and oppressive — a veritable kill-joy, a fit topic for a funeral house only. The average man immersed as he is in the self, ever seeking after the pleasurable, ever pursuing that which excites and gratifies the senses, refuses to pause and ponder seriously that these very objects of pleasure and gratification will some day reach their end.

If wise counsel does not prevail and urge the unthinking pleasure-seeking man to consider seriously that death can knock at his door also, it is only the shock of a bereavement under his own roof, the sudden and untimely death of a parent, wife or child that will rouse him up from his delirious round of sense-gratification and rudely awaken him to the hard facts of life. Then only will his eyes open, then only will he begin to ask himself why there is such a phenomenon as death. Why is it inevitable? Why are there these painful partings which rob life of its joys?

To most of us, at some moment or another, the spectacle of death must have given rise to the deepest of thoughts and profoundest of questions. What is life worth, if able bodies that once performed great deeds now lie flat and cold, senseless and lifeless? What is life worth, if eyes that once sparkled with joy, eyes that once beamed with love are now closed forever, bereft of movement, bereft of life? Thoughts such as these are not to be repressed. It is just these inquiring thoughts, if wisely pursued, that will ultimately unfold the potentialities inherent in the human mind to receive the highest truths.

According to the Buddhist way of thinking, death, far from being a subject to be shunned and avoided, is the key that unlocks the seeming mystery of life. It is by understanding death that we understand life; for death is part of the process of life in the larger sense. In another sense, life and death are two ends of the same process and if you understand one end of the process, you also understand the other end. Hence, by understanding the purpose of death we also understand the purpose of life.

It is the contemplation of death, the intensive thought that it will some day come upon us, that softens the hardest of hearts, binds one to another with cords of love and compassion, and destroys the barriers of caste, creed and race among the peoples of this earth all of whom are subject to the common destiny of death. Death is a great leveler. Pride of birth, pride of position, pride of wealth, pride of power must give way to the all-consuming thought of inevitable death. It is this leveling aspect of death that made the poet say:

 "Scepter and crown
Must tumble down
And in the dust be equal made
With the poor crooked scythe and spade."
It is the contemplation of death that helps to destroy the infatuation of sense-pleasure. It is the contemplation of death that destroys vanity. It is the contemplation of death that gives balance and a healthy sense of proportion to our highly over-wrought minds with their misguided sense of values. It is the contemplation of death that gives strength and steadiness and direction to the erratic human mind, now wandering in one direction, now in another, without an aim, without a purpose. It is not for nothing that the Buddha has, in the very highest terms, commended to his disciples the practice of mindfulness regarding death. This is known as "marananussati bhavana." One who wants to practice it must at stated times, and also every now and then, revert to the thought maranam bhavissati — "death will take place."

This contemplation of death is one of the classical meditation-subjects treated in the Visuddhi Magga which states that in order to obtain the fullest results, one should practice this meditation in the correct way, that is, with mindfulness (sati), with a sense of urgency (samvega) and with understanding (ñana). For example, suppose a young disciple fails to realize keenly that death can come upon him at any moment, and regards it as something that will occur in old age in the distant future; his contemplation of death will be lacking strength and clarity, so much so that it will run on lines which are not conducive to success.

How great and useful is the contemplation of death can be seen from the following beneficial effects enumerated in the Visuddhi Magga: — "The disciple who devotes himself to this contemplation of death is always vigilant, takes no delight in any form of existence, gives up hankering after life, censures evil doing, is free from craving as regards the requisites of life, his perception of impermanence becomes established, he realizes the painful and soulless nature of existence and at the moment of death he is devoid of fear, and remains mindful and self-possessed. Finally, if in this present life he fails to attain to Nibbana, upon the dissolution of the body he is bound for a happy destiny."

Thus it will be seen that mindfulness of death not only purifies and refines the mind but also has the effect of robbing death of its fears and terrors, and helps one at that solemn moment when he is gasping for his last breath, to face that situation with fortitude and calm. He is never unnerved at the thought of death but is always prepared for it. It is such a man that can truly exclaim, "O death, where is thy sting?"

[ratanasutra]

Thank for the story.

Buddha is very compassion and use skilful way to teach the lady and as a result she realized it finally. When we look out and listen more about others, we will have less focus in ourselves and we will find out that we are not the person who have a biggest problem any more, instead our problem just so small when compare with other but how many of us think in this way. If only we are selfless and think about other more than ourselves which is the right path for us to develop compassion. 

[Midakpa]

This story is a lesson on not focussing on one's own suffering. When one focusses on one's own suffering, it becomes a form of self-cherishing and we forget about the suffering of others. Instead one should understand or recognize that "there is suffering", the First Noble Truth (which is the truth of suffering).

After going to all the homes in the village and receiving the same news, the woman finally realized that the "suffering of losing what we like" is common to all human beings. This is one of the seven types of sufferings. In fact suffering or dukkha is one of the three characteristics of samsara. The other two are impermanence and no-self (or lack of inherent existence of all phenomena). Once one has developed the realization that there is suffering, one will begin to accept one's situation in life and abandon clinging.

[vajrastorm]

In this story, Lord Buddha shows us very skillfully that Samsara is in the nature of suffering. In fact, this story illustrates the 'suffering of being parted from something we like', one of the types of suffering stated by Lord Buddha in the First Noble Truth, which he asked us to recognize.

There is suffering because we cling to what is impermanent.Life is impermanent in dependence on  the causes and conditions for it to arise and fall away.Hence the woman whose son had passed away could not find a household where there had been no death.
   
 

[pgdharma]

As long as we are in samsara, we will have sufferings. All of us will experience loss at some time in our lives, ranging from the loss of a job, a relationship or physical health to an intense loss due to the death of someone we love. Suffering any sort of loss usually results in an enforced and perhaps abrupt change in our lives that can be hard to adjust to, but when we mourn a death, we are faced with a period of painful grief that may take years to resolve. We suffer because we have not learned to let go of our attachments. Though it may sound simple, Ajahn Chah’s advice speaks volumes:

“If you let go a little, you will have a little peace. If you let go a lot, you will have a lot of peace.”

There will never be a time when life is simple. There will always be time to practice accepting that. Every moment is a chance to let go and feel peaceful.