THE BENEFITS OF FAILURE

[WoselTenzin]

Failure makes me take a step back and take stock of my life.  It makes me analyze where I have gone wrong and why is it I found it so hard to get out of it.  I know for a fact that my external failures are superficial as it is only a reflection of the failure within my mind.

Many well intentioned people will have their own theories about why you are failing and what you should do to get out of it.  All the recommended methods and solutions may sound logical and workable but most of the time it won't work because nobody knows you like you know yourself. 

Recently I managed to get a glimpse of what had caused my failures when I read an inspiring article written by some author.  I realised that the reason why I keep stumbling is because I have let myself become someone I am not through the influence of environment.  In the course of everyday's busyness, I have lost sight of what truly important to me.

I knew that I have hit on something right because that realization suddenly gave me peace that I have not felt for a long time.  It give me peace because I found the root of the problem that showed me a path on how to get out of the situation.

Had I not failed, I would have continued to be who I was not and pretended to be happy and probably never really lived my life at all in the true sense.

[Helena]

Dear Vajrastorm,

I thank you for taking the time to share your own story. It really moved me.

I wrote from the perspective of the child, where as you wrote from the perspective of the parent. It is interesting how we seem to stand at the opposite ends but Dharma is what unites us in our care, love, compassion and a higher, deeper understanding - not only of ourselves, but of the people we love. And especially, the people we are trying to love to the best of our ability.

I have the most difficult relationship with my father. To this day, we cannot sit in the same room without him trying to drill into me how my life should be lived. This greatly explains why I do not even live in the same country as him. Of course, this also reflects my inability to conduct my relationship with him in a more positive manner.

I am so happy for your daughters that they have a mother like you. Because of Dharma, you are able to see beyond your own misconceptions of what life should be, happiness should be and the fallacy of the samsara world.

I do not wish to live the life that my parents had. I certainly do not wish to live the life that my sister has now either. None of them can convince me that they are really happy and at peace. I see no evidence of any real peace and joy, to be honest. In the most personal and private sense, they each know how unhappy they are and what they are unhappy about. They do know what their real failure lies. However, on the outside, everything looks very rosy, civil and luxurious. It is their inner failure to come into terms with themselves which is ultimately making them suffer amid their extravagant surroundings.

Unfortunately, the old British pride and stiff upper lips will never shed its true nature for anyone to see. Perhaps some day, I will also rise beyond my own failure to care more about what they need from me and not so much of what I need from them.

For the longest time, I struggled to gain some sort of approval or recognition from them for my way of life. But I guess, that's where my own failure lie - to be too concerned with gaining some sort of respect from them but not care about what I can do for them instead.

Dharma is indeed empowering in every sense of the word. At some point, I am sure I will endure being perceived as a failure and still continue to show care and love towards the only family I have in this world. When that happens, I know I would have won. I would have won over my own fears and insecurities.

[daibutsu]

Fall down 9 times, get up 10 times.

[DSFriend]

The fact that we are in samsara reflects our shortcomings, and that we have "failed miserably again and again".. but coming to realize our "problems" is the beginning of us changing the course of our destiny.

i find the story of Chudapanthaka in the Liberation of the Palm of Your Hands most inspiring, it talks about how Chudapanthaka had great difficulties learning due to karmic obscurations. He was devastated when he was thrown out of the monastery by the abbot, his brother (out of kindness in using wrathful means)

Chudapanthaka had the good fortune to meet the Buddha several times in his life, and it was at this "low point" of his life,  that he met the Buddha again.

"O Monk," said Chudapanthaka, "I am the dullest of the dull, the very smallest of the small. How could I ever learn to read?"
Buddha, our Teacher, replied:
The churl who knows he's a churl
is truly a scholar.
The churl who's proud of his scholarship
Is the most churlish of all.

Thus, it is said that the quick path is thru guru devotion. So often we are not aware of our faults nor have the know how to correct them.

Under the kindness and  care of a Guru, our faults are being pointed out to us and a remedy can be given... similar to how Buddha out of great wisdom and compassion gave Chuda the holy tasks of cleaning monks shoes and the temple which brought Chuda to realizations.

best wishes to all in our spiritual journey...

[WisdomBeing]

Dear Helena,

In response to your situation with your father, i so happened to come across this quote a couple of days ago:

Imagine that you are having difficulties with a loved one, such as your mother or father, husband or wife, lover or friend. How helpful and revealing it can be to consider the other person not in his or her “role” of mother or father or husband, but simply as another “you,” another human being, with the same feelings as you, the same desire for happiness, the same fear of suffering. Thinking of the other one as a real person, exactly the same as you, will open your heart to him or her and give you more insight into how to help.

- Sogyal Rinpoche

This quote appeals to me because i do sometimes have a difficult situation with some members of my family. i think that difficulties arise because of the expectations I have of my father or mother because of the title/label and I expect them to care for me or express their care for me in a certain way and when they don't, I get upset. But this quote tells me to see things differently and that they are simply another human being, which i find helpful.

I hope it helps you as it has helped me.

[triesa]

I love reading all the sharings from everyone.

In our society, we were taught to WIN...all the time since young.  Be the first in class, be the first in any sports.........I just thought of our children.....they have been conditioned that if they don't succeed to the expectations of their parents or the norms of society, they have failed!

As parents, we must really impart the right attitude to our children in how to see failure in lives. My neighbour's told me last year, the son of her friend  jumped off from his apartment because his exam results were not up to his parents' expectation.  The amount of pressure from failure is catching up our next generation.

We must guild our children wisely....

[Helena]

Dear Helena,

In response to your situation with your father, i so happened to come across this quote a couple of days ago:

Imagine that you are having difficulties with a loved one, such as your mother or father, husband or wife, lover or friend. How helpful and revealing it can be to consider the other person not in his or her “role” of mother or father or husband, but simply as another “you,” another human being, with the same feelings as you, the same desire for happiness, the same fear of suffering. Thinking of the other one as a real person, exactly the same as you, will open your heart to him or her and give you more insight into how to help.

- Sogyal Rinpoche

This quote appeals to me because i do sometimes have a difficult situation with some members of my family. i think that difficulties arise because of the expectations I have of my father or mother because of the title/label and I expect them to care for me or express their care for me in a certain way and when they don't, I get upset. But this quote tells me to see things differently and that they are simply another human being, which i find helpful.

I hope it helps you as it has helped me.

Dear WB,

Thank you so much for sharing that quote. It does help me a great deal.
Actually, this quote does reflect a great deal on my Guru's personal advice to me.
Our parents, friends and even strangers and enemies are all another us or me. Because we and me came from them at some point in time, be it in this life or past lifetimes.
We were all once children or parents of one another.
As a child, we often think that our parents should know better.
But as I grew older and read more Dharma, I realised it is not age that bestows wisdom. Nor their position in life, whether they are parents or teachers, etc.
It is really Dharma.
An individual with and without Dharma makes a HUGE difference.
So, may be our parents are not so fortunate as us. They didn't have the merits or karma to meet the Dharma or learn from a Guru. They didn't have a centre or Sangha to support them and nurture them. We did and we are so lucky. So, it is up to us to do more and practice even much more for the people who literally brought us into this world.
I came through my parents. Despite my differences with my father, I must recognise what he has given me to this day. I must appreciate that I am here because of him and my mother.
Rest assured, I shall not allow my own personal delusions and projections to get in the way. Part of my Dharma practice IS in caring for the people I have the most trouble with, even if it is my father, to the best of my ability. Perhaps, even more so.

Thank you again, WB. I do love the quote very much. It does help a great deal, especially in dealing with strangers. The group of people we hardly know and we think we have no reason to care for them. Dharma is just so extraordinary in how it teaches us to connect with everyone around us.

[dsiluvu]

You fall, you learn

You cry, you learn

You scream, you learn

You fail, you also learn... there goes a song I heard somewhere... and it sure makes a lot of sense and the don't say the higher you climb, the harder you fall for no good reason. The ego, our so attached ego always seems to drag us down. But I realise from all the pain hitting rock bottom, you learn from it each time. In anything we do in life, whatever our goals may be... we need to realise what we have is precious... most important is that we do not loose focus, instead 0f focusing on the failure, focus on the goals.

[Barzin]

I've always think to myself.  Having failure is a good thing because we learn from it.  Maybe we can try a hundred's time but still failed, but you'll find we will fine tuned and learn something each time when we failed.  People only celebrate the winner, never the losers.   Very little people record down people who looses or celebrate them.  So after a while, people forget about the losers and only remember the winner.

Some people are very lucky, some are born and rise in a condition that everything is paid for, they never have to work, they solve their problems with money and power, it seems like they never fail in life.  Then life is good for a while, then suddenly everything collapse, no more money and power.  Then you most probably find this person break down emotionally and helpless.  Simply because they have no experience of failure, in which they use other sources to cover their mistakes and failure.  In other words, they are covering their big fat ego to make themselves look good.

Then the opposite, failing is embarrass maybe you are not good enough, you fail because you made a mistake, you fail because  you are not perfect.  So what?  It makes us learn, become stronger, and smarter.   We learn from it, eventually we become better and better...

Then we win.  Not just one occasion but in life!  We just need to win once.

[pgdharma]

When we failed, we learned from our mistakes. We should not be depressed, lose hope or regret but to work harder and not repeat the same mistakes.

A loser is one who will give up when faced with failure but a winner will get up and try again and eventually will succeed.

[Klein]

Thank you Helena for sharing JK Rowling's speech on failure. It makes so much sense that when we fall flat, there's really no way but up. Hence, we should have a positive relationship with our failures because from them we can become anything we want. Very empowering!

[pgdharma]

Thank you Helena for sharing JK Rowling's speech on failure. It makes so much sense that when we fall flat, there's really no way but up. Hence, we should have a positive relationship with our failures because from them we can become anything we want. Very empowering!

Sometimes it takes a good fall to really know where we stand. We make mistakes and mistakes are very painful when it happens, but years later a collection of mistakes called "experience" leads us to success. Thus when we failed, never let our head hang down and grieve, but find another solution or method. In life it is about trusting our feelings, taking chances, finding happiness, appreciating the memories and learning from the past.

[buddhalovely]

Promoting failure potentially as a prerequisite for success is as silly as promoting plagiarism to benefit the true creator of a well known wizard story. That is my belief. I am the creator who has to keep the wizard alive in me for the Harry Potter stories were of my origin! You hear lies throughout the world wherever Jo Rowling has been and talked. The Harvard University has not heard them or reacted to them! The lies continued throughout the period the series of Harry Potter stories were released while the true creator had to contend with the loss of his most loved project that took him many years to build until his artwork and designed stories materials got stolen from his Australian home. That unknown creator was me as J. K. Rawling. The thought of promoting failure was conceived by me in answer to questions asked. The subject of The Fringe Benefits Of Failure was mentioned to be a possible talk at a university. When I was then asked which university would that be I simply mentioned Harvard. The more you promote failure further distances the truth to the origins of the Harry Poter story! Going to university was meant to mean getting an education. Now it has come to getting a degree that could lead to failure. It is like promoting plagiarism while the true author remains unknown while the fear the word 'failure' pose to those who sit bewildered and eager for knowledge try and imagine why an author would promote failure, so the thought of plagiarism never enters their head. Everyone on this earth fails at something in their life. That is not to be shunned but to promote failure is ridiculous and must not be condoned.