The end of the road as one "sees" it!

[Positive Change]

Many a times we draw our own conclusions and act upon our very selfish emotions and wants. It does not serve us or the people around us as the very thoughts that arise in our mind is tainted to begin with. Tainted with an egotistical motivation. Let me tell you this from experience, it is not worth it, so just change and move on!

If you think for one moment it pains or hurts you to NOT play situations around yourself for your benefit... just think, what it actually does to the others around you. Having this realization is not a nice feeling as one feels low, lowest of the low, scum even... or as in a movie quote: "the moss which the scums lives off".

How one realizes this is when we feel pained and hurt not merely because we have been shown a mirror to our faces, but the fact that we on our own accord have hurt so many in the process... that tears, not of pity for oneself but tears of extreme regret to be the cause of the very hurt we were running away from... and in doing so, the hurt was "deflected" upon others! How much more selfish can one person be... sigh!

When this happens... it seems like "the end of the road"! It truly does... but somehow, if we allow ourselves to feel that, it is once again a reflection of our self preservation coming to play... and what is that in a nutshell? None other than our selfish and egotistical mind raising its ugly head again!

I feel a sense of alleviation not in the deceptive, dodging way but more of a sense of finally being able to breath... to feel... to have some incling of release... That said, being in the pits is not an easy way out. I need to climb out of the shit I created and move on already. Start the steady climb back up to where I know I belong. No more trampolines or asking for ropes from the top but plain hard work and climbing skills!

When I reach the top and feel the sun again, I hope I have not lost sight of the one thing that made me feel this way today... that it IS the end of the road and that I do NOT want to be here!

[hope rainbow]

PC,

You are describing an emotional stand that I think most practitionners feel when they move from one level to the next, and hopefully the next higher level.

I can particularly relate to the part when you explain that it is a selfish thing not to step up on one's own initiative. Awaiting for others to follow our instructions and awaiting from others "above" us to give us more responsibility is sellfish (as you say). One should instruct, check, take initiative, do etc... and not simply take credit in that fact that everything is well prepared and organized, and only that.

Taking responsibility works at all levels.
In a corporate world, when a responsible behavior is recognized in an employee, it is most often used and valued. In fact, responsible behavior is the best asset one has in the corporate world, better than ANY diploma.
In spirituality, a responsible behavior takes much more sense and has deeper effects, for it is not limited to the wellfare of ONE company, it is only limited to the wellfare of all sentient beings.

Hey... I don't claim to walk the talk... but here is the talk part...