Handling people

[Manjushri]

Dear Klien,

What I feel is that the other party might be so resistant is because of the relationship that has been built between both the giver and receiver, in this case, the handler and the team-mate. If the relationship between both parties have been strong and positive all this while, then whilst constructive feedback is given, there should not be any qualms as trust has already been built in the relationship. This trust comes from them knowing that you are guiding them to be a better person, and the trust comes from them knowing that you are doing them good, instead of just giving feedback which they may otherwise perceive as off-putting and insulting.

Of course, there is always the ego and unacceptance in anyone when they are given constructive feedback (which then leads them to giving excuses like the one you have mentioned here : "because you have flaws too therefore I shall not listen to you"), but I feel that if it is:

1. Delivered correctly
2. The right conduct can be seen in yourself too, for the receiver to realise, see and compare
3. Show that you care
4. Gain their trust and RESPECT

then, I feel that one will be able to deliver their feedback to another with more receptiveness and agreement from the other party.

[triesa]

How does one handle a team mate who doesn't take any constructive feedback from anybody because of they have flaws? Everyone has flaws unless they're a buddha. Any ideas?

We can  really write a book on ths topic - how to handle people.....hmmmmm.......

I dont think there is a fixed and fast rule as to you have to do this or that when handling people, those can only be "guildlines" but each situation will call for a different set of ways to suit the circumstances and the different levels of mind sets of the people involved.

Since here the concerned is a "team mate", obviously I will look at the whole picture as a "TEAM". I would reckon anything to do with criticising or pointing finger to a particular person would not be very suitable as he/she would feel left out and could even quit. We want the member to feel that we are a TEAM and we work as a team, so if he or she plays a role in the work, I would make constructive feedback on the subject and not the person. Focus on the work and not the person.

Obviously, some would say, then we are being not direct and is not helping the person to really change. A lot of the times, when "a finger" is being pointed at someone, then the peer group pressure and momentum tend to drift against that person and very soon we find "all the fingers" are pointing at him/her because that is the easy way out.  Then out of natural defense, the person will protect him/herself even more by not admitting the mistakes, etc etc. It really does not help the team and the work.

The dynamics are very sensitive in each and every case. If I am the team lead, I would contain the situation as everyoe definitely has something to offer otherwise they would not be called for in the team. I would make sure the work is completed then only discuss either privately with the person (if the person has a strong ego) or discuss openedly among team mates but in a fair and nice way (if the person's ego is not over the hill)

Again, no fast and hard rules, the dynamics is different in each situation and as team leader, one must look at the bigger picture and then think of a best way(not easy I know) to benefit the situation and all the people involved. Sometimes, the situation is also  a great challenge to our own ego too when we think we always know better than the rest.

Be a good listener.....when you listen, sometimes half of the problem is solved already

[jeremyg]

I was thinking today regarding this topic. If we handle people with the proper motivation which is to help them, but for some reason we are unable to, and in the process of trying to help them we have hurt people, without actually wanting to; do we gain negative karma from it? Even though your motivation was clean, yet indirectly you hurt people.

In addition if helping someone for the better, means that you have to make it seem like you're hurting them, in order for them to wake up and change: If the motivation is right, is negative karma still accumulated? I mean after all you did make that person feel bad for a while? Or do you gain good karma from helping them?

[Aurore]

Maybe your feedbacks aren't constructive enough? 

With huge EGO people, the key is to transform ourselves to set an example to follow. To transform to be tolerant, patient, kind, understanding and other good qualities. Then, when we do give our feedbacks, it will have more substance and can gain respect from others. It's walking the talk. For example, if you have a track record of being good at something (example winning the Wimbledon, build the highest building in the world, etc), the advice given to someone of the same matter is valid. That is why we should all gain the good qualities to be able to help someone. This is possible, otherwise there is no point aspiring to become a Buddha.

Next is to apply skilful methods when it comes to handling someone. We must analyze their mindset to see what is the best way to penetrate them. For some advice may not work. Some requires a more wrathful method. Some using the friendly approach. There are many ways cos everybody is different.