PHYSICAL ABUSE. What we choose to do with our experiences define our future!

[negra orquida]

we forgive not because that person doesn't matter to us anymore... I feel we forgive because he or she matters and we want them to be FREE as much as we want to be FREE.

I agree with this... forgiving and "letting go" doesn't mean we stop caring.  It is caring in a bigger way, for a longer term view.

letting go is about moving on and NOT forgetting. If we forget, we choose to hide or compartmentalize the issue and hence we lose the very essence of what we have learnt. Most psychologist or psychoanalyst would agree that the root of most people's problems are HIDING and trying to FORGET the pain and hurt.

Very true... Avoiding the problem/pain is only temporary relief.  It is a form of escapism and to put it more unkindly, cowardice.  If we don't open the wound to clean it thoroughly, really find and dig out the main cause for the pain, it will fester and eat deeper and deeper, and gets harder and harder to remove later on.

I have a friend whose mother had passed away many years ago due to heart attack.  To this day, he still feels much pain when remembering how his mother passed away.  Upon a little more probing, he admitted that he felt guilty, that it was his fault that he had allowed the disease to develop because he did not take his mother for a  2nd medical opinion (1st opinion was that his mother was fine).  Even then, he tried to justify himself because "I wasn't there". 

Surely, surely, if we cared enough for someone, we would find other ways to get around any fence which is barring us from giving the person our care and love.  The reason why we feel guilty/regret is because we didn't do something which we know very well we could do (and vice versa), if only we had made that little extra bit of effort.

My friend said since that incident, he avoided taking photos, because he didn't want to keep any memories.

[Manjushri]

Dear Positive Change,

Thank you for your courage in sharing your story. Alot of people choose to run away from reality, than to ever share their life experiences because of ego, face, embarassment, and maybe to remain to stay in denial. I respect your revealing of your private affairs, because I know when you do, it feels as if a baggage has been lifted off your shoulders right.

It is true, that what we choose to do with our experiences will define who we are today, and what we can be in the future. By facing our adversities/difficult conditions, whatever it may be, we acutally gain the strength and courage to face ourselves. When we face ourselves, we face our flaws, and with that, we can choose to do something about it:

1. To change it, do something about it, which will change us, and we become someone we like ourselves. As we change into a better, more positive person, you will automatically see a shift and change in your mood, actions, attitude and behavior.

2. Or remain the same, as it was, and maybe have the situation come round a second time again. We are too lazy, too comfortable within our comfort zones that we don't want to attempt to unblock our lifetimes of habituations which resulted in us having put ourselves in the situation in the first place.

We may also have had emotional/mental/physical suffering and pain inflicted onto us when we did not have a choice, e.g as a child. And yes, again we may choose to hold on to that pain, staying bitter, angry, unforgiving and in turn inflicting pain onto others solely due to the fact that you have been hurt therefore have the right to hurt others, or let go, accept, move on, and make sure no one else arounds you will ever have to go through what you did, by accepting their suffering, caring for them, giving them love, and kindness. You can take it as an experience which would have made you grow, mentally, and in turn, reflected in your actions towards others and yourself. The choices you make, despite the advises you are given, are ALWAYS dependant on your want to improve and change, or to stay the same.

[vajratruth]

Thank you PC for sharing your experience. It must have been difficult for you.

Most of us grow up with any number of situations that have left indelible marks on our minds. Granted, some are more painful than others and so what I say here may not apply to all situations.

Painful experiences that etch themselves within our mind-streams develop over time as barriers or no-go zones. With enough "painful experiences" throughout life (and there will of course be plenty of them), our minds begin to look more like a maze rather than a wide open field. We become narrow minded and very acutely sensitive to negative or painful situations.

Essentially having bad experiences that we fail to deal with and discard, we develop a kind of neurosis and we begin to develop very protective instincts. Undesirable situations begin to come across not as the norm but as the exception i.e. the times when we failed to filter out anything that can hurt us from our lives and mind. This itself is a ridiculous notion because it means that our expectation is that bad things don't happen to me and when they do, we are horribly unprepared and surprised.

If it is true that what we are today is the sum of all our decisions, then with so many sets of walls and no-go-zones, our life today may not be what we could have been but instead merely be the sum of all the right decisions that WE DID NOT MAKE because they were painful or seemed to be somewhat inconvenient. Our life and situation today may the [reverse] sum of all the right opportunities that we could not see  because we are so instinctively wired to avoid difficulties.

It took me a while to come to recognize that about myself and see my life against the light of that truth. It took even longer to learn what to do i.e. how does one go about rewiring one's protective instincts and remain open. To remain open is important firstly because it also means that we do not reject the notion of karma because karma is very OFTEN extremely inconvenient to our preferred state of being. Negative karma especially.

Rightly or wrongly, I have come to learn and accept that every single situation happy or sad is my own doing. What happens to me is my karma from my past actions playing out its own expression. If someone hurts me very badly, it is unfair and unfortunate but it is still my karma to meet with that terrible situation. If someone I love abused me, it is also my karma to have that kind of terrible relationship.

How this has helped my is that once I take ownership of my own bad situation, the pain may not ease but the angst and anger certainly does. There is no one to get angry with.

I am beginning to see that if I have not healed from an age old pain no matter how legitimate that pain was, it is because I have preferred to hang on to it. I prefer to keep it so I have something to blame. It is handy to have.

Learning that bad things happen as the result of my own bad karma coming into fruition liberated me from anger towards others. Learning that there are such things as Purification Practices and exercising the 4 Opponent Powers liberated me from my own sense of helplessness against my bad karma. Painful feelings from painful experiences stopped being unseen forces that manipulate my mind to being Objects to be dismantled.

I feel this post is very important for everyone to read and understand. We own every single good and bad thought; and every single happy and depressed feeling. We gave it to ourselves i.e. we formed it with our own minds. Nobody crafted that thought or feeling and surgically forced it into our mind. And because we own it, we alone can disown it. Let it go. That karma is done and exhausted already unless we keep breathing life into it daily by re-enacting that karma via new expressions. By new expressions, I mean decisions taken today in reaction to a hurt we felt a long time ago.

[kurava]

Dear PC,
It's very brave of you to share openly your traumatic experience and it is a sign that you are able to free yourself from that negative experience.

Not forgiving, reliving the bad experience over and over again even though we may be physically separated from the person means that we allow ourselves to be continuously tormented mentally and emotionally by the person or the experience of it.

It may be hard to forgive because we feel we had been wronged and if we forgive the wrong doer we are making life “easy “ for him … It's not fair !

Well, look at it another way. We are the one that will suffer by not letting the experience go. By forgiving the wrong doer, we are in essence telling him : “ You don't matter to me any more, you can't hurt me anymore. I will not be controlled by you in any way and I will not be hurt by you or the memory of you. I AM FREE NOW.”

From Buddhist view point - understanding that the wrong doer acted out of the 3 poisons and he had also suffered from the acts, we forgive and this ability of letting go arises out of compassion. You may even remain as friends but this time you are stronger because you have realized something that can conquer all negative emotions.

Thank you Kurava... However may I correct you by saying, we forgive not because that person doesn't matter to us anymore... I feel we forgive because he or she matters and we want them to be FREE as much as we want to be FREE. We are after all masters of our own emotions and we cannot put the blame on another for making us feel the way we do. Sure they may be the catalyst to how we feel but at the end of the day, it is WE who feel, not THEM.

SO to forgive for me is actually CARING enough to realise putting the blame on another is WRONG and we should LET GO. I am glad that with a Dharma perspective, my actions of the past I can see a little more clearly and learn from the past. Letting go for me is moving on but not forgetting because if we forget, we are back to square one and have not learnt a thing!

I'm so happy for you, PC. You  have a dharma jewel in you here.

Yes, from a non spiritual practitioner's view - I forgive you because you  don't matter to me and so can't hurt me further. - this is a narrower mind. However, as you had realised , you can forgive now because - I care for myself and you and I don't want to be caught in the unending vicious circle creating negative karma.

You don't forget the lesson learnt because you know better now that relationships cannot bring you the true happiness which can only be experienced through spirituality .

[RedLantern]

Abusive behavior in a relationship is never acceptable,whether it's coming from a man,woman,teenager or an older adult.Recognising abuse is the first step to getting help and acknowledging the warning signs and symptoms.Spiritual practice can help one to overcome the hurt and pain and forgive.
Thank you for sharing,so others will benefit from your experience.I'm glad you recognised the signs and get on with your life.Be brave because you deserve to feel valued,respected and safe.
May you have your Guru's blessings always.

[triesa]

We are always bombarded by realtionships problems, love, hate, anger, disappointment, frustrations, jealousy .......are all the core ingredients that make up this spicy realtionship stew.

Without Dharma, people including myself would be stirring these ingredients over fire again and again until the stew becomes so thick and concentrated that the stew is not ediable anymore. And so that's the end of a sticky relationship.

With Dharma, I learn to understand that all afflictive emotions arise because of my own expectations, and the circumstances/conditions that favour those emotions to arise, I learn to let go easier and forgive easier too. Everything is impermanent, including relationships, if you have the good karma to be with each other till white hair, that is really good. Otherwise, whatever we experience, will become part of the thread that weave out the tapestry of our life.

Life is a journey of experiences............may we hold each experience dear but not the anger, hatred, frustrations or disappointments.....

[vajraD]

Dear Positive Change,

Thank you for sharing such personal stories with us.

Experience of our pass can be hell or heaven(good or bad) depending on our choices. Is good to acknowledge the hurt and the people that hurt us and then move on rather then forget and move on. If we don’t even dare face and we avoid what has happen. This problem will be submerging deep inside our subconscious which is not healthy. The longer we keep that feeling or experience the more difficult it is for us. Hence unknowingly we create our own protective barrier against it to happen again and during the journey we may hurt many people because of unknown defense.

Everything happens for a reason. What goes around comes around. It can be karma of our pass with the person.

[Jessie Fong]

I feel we need to forgive because we need to move on.  We should not hang on to the incident and let it ruin our life.  Whatever has happened, happened for a reason.  It cannot be undone.  Of course it is easier said than done.  We need to forgive not because the other person needs it, but because we ourselves need to.  No point carrying with you that baggage that serves no good purpose other than weighing you down - why not just drop it and carry on with your life with a better positive outlook?  Forgive and forget, though the "forgetting" part may not be totally erased.

[biggyboy]

How we want to live our life, depends on our choices.  Still is within our hands.  I am so happy for you to choose to acknowledge it and move on.  Whatever experiences we had be it good or bad would never be erased...sweet or bitter as it has embedded into our mind.  Hence, forgive and let go.  With these experiences and application of spiritual knowledge, one would become stronger and better in life.  Why not?  You may look 'younger' over age! 

[jeremyg]

Experiences such as these can help to make a person stronger. I could say that I had a troubled Childhood. I could say that my childhood experience has ruined my life forever. I could forever blame it for my failures. I could blame my parents for putting me in such a situation of suffering. But the truth is, now its done, and I am fine. I do not hold any anger towards either parent, and I have grown to be much stronger. I find that the experience has let me grow into a more capable human being. Being able to deal with the adversity and difficult situations better. However in some aspects it has made me take life less seriously. I find that some people get worked up over small things, and that really bothers me, but to them it is the worst thing they have ever experienced. I find that I don't know how to help them, as coming from a worse situation it makes their problems feel insignificant. I need to change this. Additionally I feel that coming from such a troubled background, it should allow me to appreciate what I have more, but I do not completely. I need to.

 So yes what has happened in the past can determine our future. But this can only truly happen if we accept what has happened, and move on, let it go. If we don't we may be worse off, holding on to the anger. We can learn from an experience and grow into a better, more capable person.

[bambi]

Thank you Positive Change for posting something personal to share.

I went through the same scenario years back. It really took a long time to snap out of it and believing that it is love just like you did. After the slaps, it got worse. It became pushing and kicking.

I have learned so much from Dharma in the years after that. It is really a Blessing to meet Dharma again at an early age of this life. Not only that we shouldn't blame but accept that it is our karma that it happened, forgive and let go completely.

[Positive Change]

Thank you Positive Change for posting something personal to share.

I went through the same scenario years back. It really took a long time to snap out of it and believing that it is love just like you did. After the slaps, it got worse. It became pushing and kicking.

I have learned so much from Dharma in the years after that. It is really a Blessing to meet Dharma again at an early age of this life. Not only that we shouldn't blame but accept that it is our karma that it happened, forgive and let go completely.

Yes you are right Bambi... being in Dharma reaffirms that forgiveness is key and actually does release one from the anger, hate, disgust, disappointment and bitterness... all the pitfalls to causing hurt to ourselves. However, we should not forget what causes these elements to rise and make sure these situations do not push us to a point where we give into these emotions.

That I find is key for me... in fact, now I find myself thinking, how is he? Is he well? I hope he is ok and that he is not causing more pain to others. And in a strange way, I feel pity for a lonely person he probably has become