How to help an Angry person

[Big Uncle]

It seems like this person has developed so much anger in her.  Each time she gets angry she would create more karma to be angry.  Every subsequent anger becomes bigger and harder to eliminate.  It is a vicious cycle.  Eventually she would become the victim of her own anger.  She will become bitter, sensitive and hostile towards every single object that she encounters.  She will on hindsight realize that she couldn’t control her anger even though she wanted to.  This leads to helplessness and eventual depression in her!
 
Please refer the other post entitled ANGER for my sharing on anger and its causes etc.
 
It is important and urgent now that you extend your help to this person.  She is crying for help though we may not see it.  To really help her, we must try our best to understand the cause of her anger. The cause could be a grudge, resentment, frustration, unfulfilled wish, disappointment, hurt, abuse, illness, loneliness, separation or loss of a loved one etc. It is difficult to talk her out of anger if she is an old person.  We need to be very skillful and patient when we try to help her.  Perhaps she needs a listening ear or a shoulder to lean on or to cry on.  Initially, we must be on her side by listening and gathering all the necessary information about the nature of her anger.  Later we can slowly encourage her to let go of her anger by explaining clearly why it is not beneficial to hold onto her anger.  Explain to her the Law of Cause and Effect, Karma and Impermanence. It is also advisable to get her involved in some social and meaningful activities to distract her mind from the cause of her anger.
 
What matters most is her willingness to try to transform herself.  If she is agreeable then she is on her way to recovery.

Do you really believe that an old, bitter and angersome lady can be helped by what you advised above? No way. A life time and perhaps several lifetimes of habituation can not be eradicated so easily. At her age, there is no more time to try to get to the root of her problem as it is so deeply ingrained in her. The best way would be to make sure that before she draws her last breath, her environment is pleasant and you remind her of any happy events/occasions during her life time so that happy thoughts are triggered and she leaves with a happier mind.

It is very sad to see some people, especially elderly, who do not appreciate the good things they have but create more suffering for themselves by holding on to whatever that could have happened years ago. They use that as a cause to make others around them suffer too. It is kinda putting you on a guilt trip. That is why it is important that young people be exposed to dharma teachings so as not to age into another bitter angry person.

That's true Rihanna,
I heard that people don't become angry overnight. It builds up from a whole lifetime of regrets and wrong choices. They build up a whole lifetime of resentment because they had it easy and sometimes, anger is also used as a power game to control loved ones and friends. For some, they had it hard and they blame it on a person (deceased or otherwise)  or even a situation and they keep a grudge for a long, long time.

People who hold such grudges creates immense causes to be born in hell-like situations. It is very dangerous and if anger is kept for a long time, it is very hard to let go. Practices like Lama Tsongkhapa's Guru Yoga along with Migtsema can help a little but I believe it would be very beneficial to study and learn up on the Lamrim and its many commentaries, especially on the parts of anger. This cannot be dry study, it has got to be contemplative and reflective exercise.

[buddhalovely]

First, Admit You Are Angry,This may sound silly, but how many times have you met someone who clearly was angry, but who insisted he was not? For some reason, some people resist admitting to themselves that they are angry. This is not skillful. You can’t very well deal with something that you won’t admit is there. Anger, you should be more specific. Anger challenges us to look deeply into ourselves. Most of the time, anger is self-defensive. It arises from unresolved fears or when our ego-buttons are pushed.Anger Is Self-Indulgent. Buddhism teaches that anger is never justified, however. Our practice is to cultivate metta, a loving kindness toward all beings that is free of selfish attachment. “All beings” includes the guy who just cut you off at the exit ramp, the co-worker who takes credit for your ideas, and even someone close and trusted who betrays you. “When you express your anger you think that you are getting anger out of your system, but that's not true,” he said. “When you express your anger, either verbally or with physical violence, you are feeding the seed of anger, and it becomes stronger in you.” Only understanding and compassion can neutralize anger.Compassion Takes Courage.Sometimes we confuse aggression with strength and non-action with weakness. Buddhism teaches that just the opposite is true.Giving in to the impulses of anger, allowing anger to hook us and jerk us around, is weakness. On the other hand, it takes strength to acknowledge the fear and selfishness in which our anger usually is rooted. It also takes discipline to meditate in the flames of anger.

[Positive Change]

Anger is a delusion that stems from a deep rooted ignorance that one's feelings are governed by circumstances and situations around us. Failure to recognise it as coming from within us and therefore having the ability to stop it at its tracks.

Hence with that understanding, fighting fire with fire does not help. When dealing with an angry person the last thing we can do is show anger towards that person in the hopes of "scaring" the person into changing. We need to be able to understand where that anger comes from and why.

For me personally the best way is to show them kindness and love. If they seem to think life has dealt them a bad hand, that perception can be turned around with kindness. It sounds fairy tale like but I do believe it can work as the person will come to realise that he or she does not have a reason to be angry.

I read this somewhere which goes like this: "If someone hits you with a stick, are you angry with the stick?" NO! Why? Because the stick is wielded by the person holding the stick. So you are angry towards the person holding the stick! But we must realise that the person is also governed by anger so we should be angry towards anger and not the person... Hence we deal with the person in the way to "heal" him from the anger just as if anger was an illness or disease.

It is impossible to do if we ourselves are governed by anger. Hence we cant win with anger if we let it rule.

[KhedrubGyatso]

We all have some abilities to help people but we can do so or our help is more  effective when they are not in an angry mood.When someone is already angersome it is very difficult  for ordinary people like us to help in any way. We can’t even approach them .In fact anger is so powerful  that if we are not careful its negative energy can trigger off our own negative seeds and we respond with anger. Instead of one person afflicted , it becomes two. If others are around it can continue spreading until the whole world is consumed by its destructive force. It is no wonder that anger is said to have no good qualities.
The person mentioned here has already accumulated so much anger energy that he wears a black face all the time – a ripened effect and he/she has to experience the consequences of not receiving help, loneliness, always unhappy ,seeing nothing positive in anyone or any situation and always getting harmed by others. If we cannot help the person directly, indirectly we can help by not retaliating or responding with anger when encountering such a person. We protect ourselves from being harmed by them and at the same time protect them from increasing their anger and creating more karma.

[Vajraprotector]

Anger happens all the time, it is there and it comes up. Anger itself is not bad, but we need some kind of antidote so that our anger doesn't control us and make us act in ways that harm others and ourselves.

The trick is not to wait until the anger gets big, because then it's difficult to control. It is important to apply antidote to reform the way we look at situations. When we are familiar with new ways of looking at situations, anger won't arise in a situation where it normally would, or if it does, it's much smaller than before.

It is in these moments that our inner resources are the most called upon. All of this, Shantideva would say, tests our character, revealing how far we have developed our capacity for patience and tolerance.

I think no puja is as great as understanding and finding an antidote to anger. If your friend is a Buddhist, you can advise him/her to contemplate on the fact that everyone equally wants happiness and wants to be free from suffering. People act in harmful ways when they are unhappy. In their attempt to be happy, they are confused and use wrong methods to achieve it. They harm others and create vast negative karma that causes them to experience horrendous suffering in the future. Think about the suffering and despair of everyone on all sides of the conflict.

I hope this helps.

[Positive Change]

I was thinking more about this matter and this thought came to my mind.

How I actually deal with my own anger could well be the answer to how I deal with an angry person. Reason for this is, we recognize anger because we have in us. In fact we can only recognize something we ourselves have or feel or we would be oblivious really!. Hence on that logic alone, we WILL recognize anger because we HAVE anger.

So to deal with an angry person is like dealing with ourselves. Do we make ourselves angrier or do we try to subdue the anger with a distraction? Do we stop and contemplate on our anger and try to dissipate it with logic and justifications? If so, these methods, I believe can be applied to helping an angry person.

Being innately selfish by nature, if we operate from how we would treat ourselves, the answer is right there in front of us!

[dsiluvu]

I think we all understand that anger is something created by ourselves. It didn’t come swooping out of no where to infect us. Often we think that anger is caused by something outside ourselves, such as other people or frustrating events. But Buddhism has taught us that No one makes me angry but myself.

Buddhism teaches us that anger is created by our own mind. When dealing with our own anger, we should be more specific, to look deeply into ourselves and see where is it really coming from. Most of the time... it is self-defensive of our egos. It could arise from unresolved fears or when our ego-buttons are pushed.

As Buddhists we recognize that ego, fear and anger are insubstantial and not “real.” They’re ghosts, in a sense. Allowing anger to control our actions amounts to being bossed around by ghosts.

Anger is Self-Indulgent

Pema Chodron says that anger has a hook. “There's something delicious about finding fault with something,” she said. Especially when our egos are involved (which is nearly always the case), we may protect our anger. We justify it and even feed it.

Buddhism teaches that anger is never justified, however. Our practice is to cultivate metta, a loving kindness toward all beings that is free of selfish attachment. “All beings” includes the guy who just cut you off at the exit ramp, the co-worker who takes credit for your ideas, and even someone close and trusted who betrays you.

For this reason, when we become angry we must take great care not to act on our anger to hurt others. We must also take care not to hang on to our anger and give it a place to live and grow.

How to Let It Go

You have acknowledged your anger, and you have examined yourself to understand what caused the anger to arise. Yet you are still angry. What’s next?

Pema Chodron counsels patience. Patience means waiting to act or speak until you can do so without causing harm. “Patience has a quality of enormous honesty in it,” she said. “It also has a quality of not escalating things, allowing a lot of space for the other person to speak, for the other person to express themselves, while you don’t react, even though inside you are reacting.”

If you have a meditation practice, this is the time to put it to work. Sit still with the heat and tension of anger. Quiet the internal chatter of other-blame and self-blame. Acknowledge the anger and enter into it entirely. Embrace your anger with patience and compassion for all beings, including yourself.
http://buddhism.about.com/od/basicbuddhistteachings/a/anger.htm

[jessicajameson]

Perhaps provoke your friend till he/she realizes that he/she is an angry person that needs some serious help! 

ANGRY BUDDHA
From "Being Peace" by Thitch Nhat Hahn

    "A woman who practices reciting Buddha Amitabha's name, is very tough and recites "NAMO AMITABHA BUDDHA" three times daily. Although she is doing this practice for over 10 years, she is still quite mean, shouting at people all the time. She starts her practice lighting incense and hitting a little bell.
     
A friend wanted to teach her a lesson, and just as she began her recitation, he came to her door and called out: "miss Nuyen, miss Nuyen!".
   
As this was the time for her practice she got annoyed, but she said to herself: "I have to struggle against my anger, so I will just ignore it." And she continued: "NAMO AMITABHA BUDDHA, NAMO AMITABHA BUDDHA..."
   
But the man continued to shout her name, and she became more and more oppressive.

She struggled against it and wondered if she should stop the recitation to give the man a piece of her mind, but she continued reciting: "NAMO AMITABHA BUDDHA, NAMO AMITABHA BUDDHA..."
   
The man outside heard it and continued: "Miss Nuyen, miss Nuyen..."
   
Then she could not stand it anymore, jumped up, slammed the door and went to the gate and shouted: "Why do you have to behave like that? I am doing my practice and you keep on shouting my name over and over!"
   
The gentleman smiled at her and said: "I just called your name for ten minutes and you are so angry. You have been calling Amitabha Buddha's name for more then ten years now; just imagine how angry he must be by now!"

[Tammy]

I heard that people don't become angry overnight. It builds up from a whole lifetime of regrets and wrong choices. They build up a whole lifetime of resentment because they had it easy and sometimes, anger is also used as a power game to control loved ones and friends. For some, they had it hard and they blame it on a person (deceased or otherwise)  or even a situation and they keep a grudge for a long, long time.

People who hold such grudges creates immense causes to be born in hell-like situations. It is very dangerous and if anger is kept for a long time, it is very hard to let go. Practices like Lama Tsongkhapa's Guru Yoga along with Migtsema can help a little but I believe it would be very beneficial to study and learn up on the Lamrim and its many commentaries, especially on the parts of anger. This cannot be dry study, it has got to be contemplative and reflective exercise.

Thank you Big Uncle and Rihanna for you insightful advise.

I will take it to heart and try my best to introduce all to her.

What striked me most from Big Uncle's post is that, this anger had become a tool (very effective) for her to control people around her, whenever she could not get what she wish for, temper will flair up n she will bang doors to show her anger. This has become an emotional blackmail for the rest of the family. The want harmony, they must have it her way! It is not a pleasant place to be wherever she is around. I feel sad for her and believe we do hv strong karmic connection, n it is for me to help get her out of this situation.

[Dondrup Shugden]

This article has attracted a lot of comments from contributors as ANGER is one of the 3 poisons that kill our souls and people around us.

Every person has anger and to squash that anger is no easy feat.  Look at the mirror and it will be realised that the first person to help overcome anger is the reflection in the mirror.  Once that reflection is helped then focusing out to help others will be much easier and kinder.