Recognizing suffering in others

[Q]

We have always talked about suffering... but I think all this while we've been issuing much on the sufferings that WE feel and perceive...

Have we ever stopped and think about the sufferings that the person sitting next or opposite us is feeling? We always point fingers at people around us, saying how their character brings much suffering to us... which is what some of us have been doing... but then again, if we do not have the karma to receive such treatment, we would not receive it, agreed?

I just read this article about the sufferings of others, and i think it is about time for me to sit down and ponder about others for a change... instead of focusing on myself. I just wanted to share this article here for everyone to read, I think it will help us quite a bit to be a little more compassionate to others rather than just ourselves.

Its true, facing suffering is the bravest thing that we can do in our lives. Enjoy the read.

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Where does it hurt?

We’re usually aware of our own suffering, which – broadly defined – includes the whole range of physical and mental discomfort, from mild headache or anxiety to the agony of bone cancer or the anguish of losing a child. (Certainly, there is more to life than suffering, including great joy and fulfillment; that said, we’ll sustain a single focus here.)

But seeing the suffering in others: that’s not so common. All the news and pictures of disaster, murder, and grief that bombard us each day can ironically numb us to suffering in our own country and across the planet. Close to home, it’s easy to tune out or simply miss the stress and strain, unease and anger, in the people we work, live – even sleep – with.

This creates problems for others, of course. Often what matters most to another person is that someone bears witness to his or her suffering, that someone just really gets it; it’s a wound and a sorrow when this doesn’t happen. And at the practical level, if their suffering goes unnoticed, they’re unlikely to get help.

Plus not seeing suffering harms you as well. You miss information about the nature of life, miss chances to have your heart opened, miss learning what your impact on others might be. Small issues that could have been resolved early on grow until they blow up. People don’t like having their pain overlooked, so they’re more likely to over-react, or be uncharitable toward you when you’re the one having a hard time. Wars and troubles that seemed so distant come rippling across our own borders; to paraphrase John Donne, if we don’t heed the faraway tolling of the bell for others, it will eventually come tolling for thee and me.

How?

This week, look at faces – at work, walking down the street, in the mall, across the dinner table. Notice the weariness, the bracing against life, the wariness, irritability, and tension. Sense the suffering behind the words. Feel in your body what it would be like for you to have the life of the other person.

Be careful not to be overwhelmed. Take this in small doses, even a few seconds at a time. If it helps, bring to mind some of the happy truths of life, or the sense of being with people who love you. Know that there are ten thousand causes upstream of each person leading to this present moment: so much complexity, so hard to blame a single factor.

And then open up again to the suffering around you. To a child who feels like an afterthought, a worker who fears a layoff, a couple caught up in anger. Don’t glide over faces on the evening news, see the suffering in the eyes looking back at you.

Watch and listen to those closest to you. What’s hurting over there? Face it, even if you have to admit that you are one of its causes. If appropriate, ask some questions, and talk about the answers.
How does it feel to open to suffering? You could find that it brings you closer to others, and that there is more kindness coming back your way. You could feel more grounded in the truth of things, particularly in how it actually is for the people around you.

Take heart. Opening to suffering is one of the bravest things you can do.

[Big Uncle]

I was told once that in order to recognize what other people are going through and truly understanding them, one must first develop awareness of others. This awareness in turn, can only be developed by being extremely alert. Training ourselves to be alert of our surroundings and being meticulous and having attention to detail is really part and parcel of awareness.

When we train ourselves in awareness of our surroundings, we gradually expand it first with our love ones and immediate friends that benefit us and we gradually expand the sphere of awareness bigger and bigger. Therefore, if we are even unaware and don't really know what's happening with our loved ones, it is time not to ponder about things but time to kick into action and start to notice small things first and find ways to repay their kindness and always look for ways to assist them in whatever way we can. When we do that, we have to work on expanding this and not just keeping it at this level. You know, I can describe this process but I am also reminding myself as I go along. I hope this help people out there.

[Q]

I was told once that in order to recognize what other people are going through and truly understanding them, one must first develop awareness of others. This awareness in turn, can only be developed by being extremely alert. Training ourselves to be alert of our surroundings and being meticulous and having attention to detail is really part and parcel of awareness.

When we train ourselves in awareness of our surroundings, we gradually expand it first with our love ones and immediate friends that benefit us and we gradually expand the sphere of awareness bigger and bigger. Therefore, if we are even unaware and don't really know what's happening with our loved ones, it is time not to ponder about things but time to kick into action and start to notice small things first and find ways to repay their kindness and always look for ways to assist them in whatever way we can. When we do that, we have to work on expanding this and not just keeping it at this level. You know, I can describe this process but I am also reminding myself as I go along. I hope this help people out there.

I must agree, but also disagree of what you just mentioned. There are people that are meticulous and aware but they do not necessarily understand the suffering you go through ie care about others in an extraordinary way.

Why do I say this? because I have first hand experience in this.

In my case, my father is a very meticulous person. He is very careful with his work to the point of compulsive, and at the same time very aware of his surrounding ie he knows when the slightest thing gets moved around etc. But unfortunately that awareness and meticulous nature is not translated to care towards others... and a new hair cut from anyone within the family would simply go unnoticed to him.

[bambi]

Way before Dharma, I never think of how other people are suffering as I don't really care coz I am having enough problems of my own, I don't need to add on more problems. But now when I see my family members get irritated easily, always anger some and sometimes depressed, I actually pity them. How much they have suffered since young and everything is kept inside just waiting to blow up.

I agree with you, big uncle, we must also train ourselves to to be aware of our surroundings. I am also reminding myself and trying hard each passing day.

[Positive Change]

Very often we chose ourselves over another... that is the problem. Hence we do not even recognize or chose to acknowledge another's suffering. That is the fundamental flaw... we are too preoccupied with the "I" and the "me"!

To recognize suffering in another person, we must first learn to "see" and to actually see beyond ourselves is not hard. We merely need to recognize that suffering is universal and that whatever pain we go through, the person next to us goes through the very same thing. No one is spared. In this simple understanding, we then can learn to "feel" the pain the other is feeling because we know how it feels like, hence we then start to develop some care... some compassion that in relieving the other person's pain, we actually relieve our own pain because the happiness we see in the other person's eyes will far out weight the hurt we feel... at least that is how I see it!

[Tenzin K]

In the samsaric world it’s common for people to only look into themselves only or first. Live in the “I” world. Everything and anything happening around that person will always concern to themselves first. Most of the people will have that thought including me before I learn dharma.

To look at other people suffering for me is not something that is natural but after I learn about compassion, it changes my view that I’m not living alone in this world and there are others that are unfortunate which we might able to help them if not entirely but at least to minimize their suffering. I start to learn to see things outside from myself. Focusing out and always just look out make me more alert and be more aware of thing happening around me.

Happiness is not just about our own satisfaction but is how we can bring happiness to others. The more people benefited from our action the happier we are because we live our live for others happiness isn’t that meaningful? More people gain rather than only us alone.

[Big Uncle]

I must agree, but also disagree of what you just mentioned. There are people that are meticulous and aware but they do not necessarily understand the suffering you go through ie care about others in an extraordinary way.

Why do I say this? because I have first hand experience in this.

In my case, my father is a very meticulous person. He is very careful with his work to the point of compulsive, and at the same time very aware of his surrounding ie he knows when the slightest thing gets moved around etc. But unfortunately that awareness and meticulous nature is not translated to care towards others... and a new hair cut from anyone within the family would simply go unnoticed to him.

Dear Q,

Well, I feel that you are taking it too personally. This is not criticism, this is just an advice from a friend to me and I just sharing it out because it is the truth and it works. First of all, being meticulous and having attention to detail IS a step towards caring for others but it is not the only way to care. Second of all, your rejection of that statement may seem to say that the opposite of being meticulous and having attention to detail, which is sloppiness and careless leads towards caring for others? That doesn't make sense either. Right?

[Manjushri]

To care for others is to let go of selfishness. When you are able to let go of selfishness, you are able to fully care for and understand and focus your energies to helping someone else. When you can notice others it is one minute of focusing on yourself less. With that, you are truly able to see and recognize the suffering in others. And when you help, it is genuine.

I agree very much with what Big Uncle said in that through practising awareness for others, you are able to notice, recognize and understand their state of being. But the fundamental ability to even be able to practise awareness of others or the surrounding is first to give up the concept of self cherishing. By being overwhelmed about your own surroundings, feelings, thoughts, emotions etc., you will never be able to notice anything going on with others and the exterior.

[Midakpa]

Recognising suffering in others is the first step towards realizing that others are like us in that we all drowning in the sea of samsara. In this respect, we are all the same. Realizing this, we need to be kind to others and help them as much as possible to alleviate their suffering. But in order to help others to be free of suffering, we must acquire the means to do so. Otherwise, we are just as helpless as they are. To help others, we need to practise the Bodhisattva's way of life.