t is important to understand that there are different types of love, and that love plays a big role in Buddhism, especially in the form of unconditional love and compassion. While this isn’t exactly “romantic” it is important.
Buddhism has never put a spotlight on the concept of marriage, and this can lead some to believe that marriage is not important to Buddhists. It can lead others to believe that the only true Buddhist is one who enters into a monastic circle and becomes a member of the Sangha, say as a monk or nun. The problem with these thought patterns is, both are “extremes” and extremes are not exactly conducive to Buddhist beliefs.
The Buddha, Siddhartha, was in fact married and had a son. He gave up this marriage, family, and happiness to find true happiness; a happiness that nothing could influence. It wasn’t that a wife and child didn’t make the Siddhartha happy, it was more that the inevitable aging, sickness, and death and the fears and anxieties that accompany such things, distracted from his true happiness.
An interesting entry in a Sutra attributed to the Buddha points to equality between men and women in a marriage, “In five ways should a wife be ministered to by her husband: by respect, by courtesy, by faithfulness, by handing over authority to her, by providing her with ornaments. In these five ways does the wife minister to her husband: her duties are well-performed by hospitality to the kin of both, by faithfulness, by watching over the goods he brings and by skill and industry in discharging all business.” While this quote shows an outdated division between the sexes, there is a sense of equality to the words.
Buddhism teaches the precept, among the Five Precepts, to abstain from immoral actions. But the definition of “immoral actions” is pretty much left to interpretation. Buddhist thinking, however, will guide the follower to the right definition of “immoral actions,” even if the follower refuses to acknowledge it. For example, one would consider adultery an immoral action, but why? Consider a lay Buddhist who decides that adultery can only be defined as intercourse with someone other than their spouse. Here’s where the Noble Eightfold Path comes in.
The Eightfold Path instructs us, as followers of Buddhism, to maintain certain things in order to eventually reach Enlightenment. If we look only at Purpose, Speech, Endeavor, Thought, and Conduct, it is easy to come to a different definition for adultery. For example, the Eightfold Path teaches that our Purpose should be to always try to do what is right, we should be truthful in the things we say (Speech), we should behave ourselves (Conduct), we should constantly try to become better (Endeavor), and we should be mindful of our thoughts as they become our actions (Thought).
Now consider marriage. Marriage, whether Buddhist or not, is a contract at its base level; an agreement to remain committed to one person. Buddhism doesn’t have a set definition of marriage; therefore, in essence, it can be applied to any committed relationship. In a marriage, if the Eightfold Path is applied to one’s behaviors it becomes impossible to justify adultery, which would then fall under the precept of abstaining from immoral acts.
But where does that leave us with love? In Buddhism, one of the goals is the reach a loving compassionate state where one is capable of seeing, caring for, and genuinely loving everyone and everything. This frees us from prejudice, but it also frees us from potential negative thoughts which can lead to negative actions; all of which hinder the path to Enlightenment.
We love our parents and siblings, our children, our partners with that unconditional love that sometimes blinds us. Can we love them unconditionally without clinging to them in attachment? The answer eludes many. One might argue that there cannot be a real answer. It is definitely a difficult topic to explain, as shown by this article, but it may be possible to love, unconditionally, those people we hold close and dear, without being attached.
When does attachment become a problem? - When that person or thing is no longer with us, in most cases. Whether the person is gone due to an end of a relationship, due to a business trip, due to children growing up and moving out, or due to a loss (death), if one can remember the Buddha’s Teachings even at these times, when the attachment becomes painful, it is possible to truly love while, at least partly, being free of attachment.
