Dealing with angry minds

[triesa]

whether you call it Murphy law or whatever, it is usually applicable that  similar situations will manifest to bug you as long as you have not really overcome your own anger, out of no where , people will pop up and say or do something that will tempt you to kick off that anger button.

Until you have rationalize and internalize your anger, these situations will always be waiting for you at the corner......

It is really beneficial to just read  the 8 versus of mind transformation on a daily basis to remind us how to deal with our own angry minds and ego.

[Vajraprotector]

DSFriend asked whether we should stay away from angry people as a start to minimize such occurrences and what should we meditate on regarding the afflicted person, and how to prevent getting trapped into an unpleasant situation.

First, dealing with the angry person.

Geshe Kelsang Gyatso in his book Transform Your life: A Blissful Journey mentions that,
All the faults we see in people are actually the faults of their delusions, not of the people themselves. If someone is angry, we think "He is a bad and angry person,' whereas Buddhas think 'He is a suffering being afflicted with the inner disease of anger.' If a friend of ours were suffering cancer we would not blame him for his physical disease, and, in the same way, if someone is suffering from anger or attachment we should not blame him for the diseases of his mind.

In the fourth of the Eight Verses of Mind Transformation, it is said:
Whenever I meet a person of bad nature
overwhelmed by negative energy and intense suffering
I will hold such a rare one dear
as if I've found a precious treasure

If we practice the path of a Bodhisattva, then of course, not correcting others who are motivated by delusions is one of the downfall hence we should try our best to help relieve that deluded and angry person from his or her suffering. Usually, lending a pair of ears or showing genuine care in the long run will help. We should not avoid the situation or stay away from them because if we do, then our loving concern for others is liable to decrease.


Secondly, dealing with anger or the affliction/delusion itself.

I like what Shantideva said,
“If you are going to get angry at something, get angry at mental afflictions, because people are just puppets on the end of the string of their own mental afflictions. If you are going to get angry, direct your wrath towards mental afflictions.”

When we talk about delusions, the root of the delusions is ignorance (of cause and effect), so one develops the delusions such as aversion/hatred, attachment, pride. To abandon delusion for good, one must apply the antidote to ignorance and to grasping at a self through selflessness.

For practitioners, The Kadampa masters advised that the best attainment is developing faith in cause and effect, living in pure ethics, and eliminating one’s delusions and negative states of mind. By having faith in cause and effect, one is able to live in pure ethics, and by living in pure ethics, one is able to eliminate the delusions from one’s mind.

[pgdharma]

Yes I agree that an angry mind is due to habituation and if  we do not change that habituation it will get deeper and  stronger. It is not easy to change but through time and mindful cultivation of mindfulness and patience, this anger can be curbed. The 8 verses of mind transformation posted by triesa is a guideline for us to follow and put into practice. It maybe difficult in  the  beginning but in the end it will be of  benefit.

[Helena]

DSFriend asked whether we should stay away from angry people as a start to minimize such occurrences and what should we meditate on regarding the afflicted person, and how to prevent getting trapped into an unpleasant situation.

First, dealing with the angry person.

Geshe Kelsang Gyatso in his book Transform Your life: A Blissful Journey mentions that,
All the faults we see in people are actually the faults of their delusions, not of the people themselves. If someone is angry, we think "He is a bad and angry person,' whereas Buddhas think 'He is a suffering being afflicted with the inner disease of anger.' If a friend of ours were suffering cancer we would not blame him for his physical disease, and, in the same way, if someone is suffering from anger or attachment we should not blame him for the diseases of his mind.

In the fourth of the Eight Verses of Mind Transformation, it is said:
Whenever I meet a person of bad nature
overwhelmed by negative energy and intense suffering
I will hold such a rare one dear
as if I've found a precious treasure

If we practice the path of a Bodhisattva, then of course, not correcting others who are motivated by delusions is one of the downfall hence we should try our best to help relieve that deluded and angry person from his or her suffering. Usually, lending a pair of ears or showing genuine care in the long run will help. We should not avoid the situation or stay away from them because if we do, then our loving concern for others is liable to decrease.


Secondly, dealing with anger or the affliction/delusion itself.

I like what Shantideva said,
“If you are going to get angry at something, get angry at mental afflictions, because people are just puppets on the end of the string of their own mental afflictions. If you are going to get angry, direct your wrath towards mental afflictions.”

When we talk about delusions, the root of the delusions is ignorance (of cause and effect), so one develops the delusions such as aversion/hatred, attachment, pride. To abandon delusion for good, one must apply the antidote to ignorance and to grasping at a self through selflessness.

For practitioners, The Kadampa masters advised that the best attainment is developing faith in cause and effect, living in pure ethics, and eliminating one’s delusions and negative states of mind. By having faith in cause and effect, one is able to live in pure ethics, and by living in pure ethics, one is able to eliminate the delusions from one’s mind.

Beautifully put, VP and thank you so much for sharing this valuable advice.
We are indeed puppets because we are not in control as we often like to think we are.
Our delusions and mental afflictions are the ones in control.
It is a great pity many of us do not realise this and even recognise this. Because we keep making others "pay for the results" of our own mental afflictions.
As much as we need help, others need help and understanding too.

In the Lamrim, it is said that anger can even reduce Mount Meru into ashes. Imagine what anger does to the eons of merits we have painstakingly accumulated over lifetimes. Totally wiped out in a matter of seconds due to our anger.

 

[dsiluvu]

I too suffer from an angry mind... it is always easier said then done when someone says just practise this or that. Why? This is because believe it or not we just don't even have enough merits to actually practise what we've learnt. So I would not even talk about the 8 verses to someone who is angry... I can imagine when I am angry... the last thing I need to hear is someone telling me the 8 verses...sad hu..but it's a fact. AT that time when you are angry... the only way I think... to really not react back is to really just bite your tongue, go away, for smoke, for a walk or whatever for a while and really avoid yourself from reacting immediately. How? Just force yourself to "control" yourself. Yes I think that is the real key word here...

Besides that on a daily basis if you can chant the MigTseMa mantra as much as you can. This really works as I speak from experinece when I was going through a very bad time in life... always angry, depress and destructive! The Migtsema mantra is really like magic and it has so many benefits plus if you do Gaden Lhagyalma... it encompasses even purification. Since MigTseMa is Lama Tsongkhapa and 3 Buddhas of Compassion, Wisdom and Skilful Means... you will be sure to get these 3 Buddhas blessing all at the same time. I would highly recommend to start this as really it really works! It lifts you from so many level... and if you have the time and can engage in Mistsema retreats... even better.

[Carpenter]

Basically when people have very minimal patience, they tend to be very easy to get angry, especially when we are so concern about our own benefit (being it with material or spiritual benefit), the moment when we lose it, we lose the “benefit” that we are working so hard with, we will lose our mind easily, why is that so? It is because when our priority is only for one person, or only ourselves, you can clearly see how much patient these people have.

When we are with someone who are angersm, there is no way we can talk something very logic and calm them down, because when we are angry, we can’t even think properly. So when we can’t change other people, then we can only change ourselves, change our own perception.

[Q]

What should we practice when faced with people with anger  who dishes out hurtful words and causes mental and emotional abuse?

Do we stay away from them as a start to minimize such occurrences?

If it's not possible to stay away from such circumstances/peoples, then what should we meditate on regarding the afflicted person, how to prevent getting trapped into an unpleasant situation.

When I read this post, it reminded me of my friend... who have anger issues. I'm not perfect, I too have anger in me, but my friend's case is rather severe to the extent that she has ruined her relationship with people she loves such as her parents, brother, her boyfriend and even friends... I understand her situation and her anger issues which is why instead of reacting to her angry, my actions was always one that try to calm her down... so far, it has always been successful.

However, anger is a powerful 'force' and I must agree with what most people have already mentioned about anger, particularly "anger is due to habituation". Some people just have so much anger in them... my friend has thrown mobile phones against the wall... and even wanted to jump down a 3 story building due to so much anger boiling in her (yeah, she probably wont die from a 3 story jump... but the fact that she had the thought is bad enough).

Whenever this friend of mine turns up angry... most of the time over little things that shouldn't matter at all, I would really have to practice patience. Depending on the situation, sometimes I would leave her alone for awhile until she cools down, but sometimes I'll settle the issue there and then. It is tough... I have recommended her to do some personal prayers to calm her mind... the same sadhana I started out with when I first entered Tibetan Buddhism, but her mind is just so resistant to spirituality. She is currently practicing a different religion, but she also refuses to get involved in any activities held by her place of refuge.

I don't mean to nag here... but just expressing some challenges people actually face and how damaging anger is... I have no idea how to prevent a person from being angry, all I know is how to ride the tide and make sure the person don't do anything that is physical damaging, and try to make the duration of a person's anger lessen... I really wish there's a special mantra I can recite to stop a person from being angry hahaha....

[bambi]

I have many relatives who are so anger some all the time. They blame everything in their life. I feel sad for them as they do not understand Dharma. They always think that I am practicing some cult whenever I am doing my prayers or offerings. My mum is one of them and I am so happy that recently she has changed to be more understanding. I used to talk to her about Dharma but she didnt have the merits to understand and she'll actually scold me for lecturing her so I left it alone and not talk Dharma in any obvious nor direct ways. I do not want her to create more negative karma with what she says. It was very disturbing but I did not let it stop nor made me doubt practicing Dharma MORE. In time, I know that my relatives will see how Dharma made me better and I pray that they too will benefit from it.

[Midakpa]

It is true what DSFriend said that if we become victims of angry people, it's because of our own karma. I think knowing dharma helps a lot in dealing with angry people. Then we don't become "victims" because we understand the source of anger and we respond with love and understanding instead of the usual "tit for tat".

According to Thich Nhat Hanh in his book "Anger", "all of us have a seed of anger in the depth of our consciousness. But in some of us, that seed of anger is bigger than our other seeds - like love or compassion. The seed of anger may be bigger because we have not practiced in the past. When we begin to cultivate the energy of mindfulness, the first insight we have is that the main cause of our suffering, of our misery, is not the other person - it is the seed of anger  in us. Then we will stop blaming the other person for causing all our suffering. We realize she or he is only a secondary cause."

It is clear that the people who know dharma will be able to deal with anger better than those with no dharma. If we realize that the other person is suffering, we will overcome our own emotions and focus attention on the other person. Compassion is the antidote to anger.

[ratanasutra]

i learn a lot from this thread..
Yes, to have dharma knowledge and apply it to practice daily it help us to understand and have a right view of what happening and react in the right way with fully awareness and concious. Since we can't avoid or change it so we must deal with angry person or angry mind with understanding mind.

Mostly person who full with anger will end up to be lonely and bitter as they blame the whole world and unhappy with everything.. very sad for that.

White tara mantra is a very powerful mantra to recite daily, it help people to have less anger. Or focus on Chenrezig who is buddha of compassion, by be kind and have compassion to other it can help our mind to lessen anger as well. 
 

[negra orquida]

What should we practice when faced with people with anger who dishes out hurtful words and causes mental and emotional abuse?

Do we stay away from them as a start to minimize such occurrences?

If it's not possible to stay away from such circumstances/peoples, then what should we meditate on regarding the afflicted person, how to prevent getting trapped into an unpleasant situation.

Buddha Shakyamuni once said:

“Where is anger for one freed from anger,
Who is subdued and lives perfectly equanimous,
Who truly knowing is wholly freed,
Supremely tranquil and equipoised?
He who repays an angry man in kind
Is worse than the angry man;
Who does not repay anger in kind,
He alone wins the battle hard to win.
He promotes the wealth of both,
His own, as well as of the other.
Knowing that the other man is angry,
He mindfully maintains his peace
And endures the anger of both,
His own, as well as of the other,
Even if the people ignorant of true wisdom
Consider him a fool thereby.”

Based on the above quote, one of the ways to deal with a person who is consumed by anger is to not react back to the person in anger or in a negative way.  Yes, it can be quite difficult, especially if that person is someone whom we hold dear to our hearts or we have certain expectations of them about how they should behave. 

It may help to "zoom out" of the situation and see that: "this person is not the person I know.. This person is being controlled by anger, this is anger speaking."

I don't think we can keep on avoiding angry people or situations where we have to face angry people... if we could then how can we practice true patience?

If we can't change the person, then it is us that has to change.  The person is angry, is it their "fault"? Who are we to tell someone that they ought not to get angry? We should instead watch our own minds and see how we react to such person, and work on ourself first.  There are people who came from abusive families, but they are more positive and kind and self motivated than most of us. Others are not so fortunate.  Different personalities and futures from similar backgrounds.  Why? It is the perspective we choose to see from.  Having Dharma knowledge and faith in the 3 Jewels would of course help a lot.

[Jessie Fong]

I have come across many people who are so full of anger - angry not only because of someone but also because of something or a situation.  They held on to the anger, not wanting to let go.  Imagine their chests heaving high and low, with so much anger inside them ready to explode anytime.

They did not learn to let go as they could not see beyond the situation.  I pray for them to be touched by Dharma so that they can appreciate that letting go is so much better for their body and soul.

[Positive Change]

Where does the angry mind stem from? If we recognise that fundamental flaw in us all, we can perhaps stop or refrain from letter anger rear its ugly head. For me personally i find what keeps me in check iands the realization that my anger comes from within me and no one 'makes' me angry but i 'get' angry pretty much all on my own. The fact that i sm the master of my own emotions, in this case, my anger... It seems frivolous or silly to even begin to suffer the angst of anger. That is how i deal with my own angry mind. And if confronted by another's anger, the very same realization helps in dealing with that too because i do not let that person suck me into the pervasive mind game of guilt... That i made them angry etc... Having said that we do not provike another and say... "sorry you are master of your own emotion so.... Tough!"

[Manjushri]

Anger is continually present in our mindstreams, everyone has that 'emotion'. But how we control it, how we let it affect us and how we react with anger is all within our control. The more we become angry, the more frequent we let anger take over us, the easier it'll become for one to get angry and react. It almost becomes second nature. And an instance of anger within our mindstreams burns eons of merits that we have. Oh my! Imagine how much merits we have already burned just by getting angry!

Back to the question..   

What should we practice when faced with people with anger  who dishes out hurtful words and causes mental and emotional abuse?

Do we stay away from them as a start to minimize such occurrences?

If it's not possible to stay away from such circumstances/peoples, then what should we meditate on regarding the afflicted person, how to prevent getting trapped into an unpleasant situation.

As what has been said, what we face and experience with others, is dependant on our karma. We have created the situation, and therefore must experience the returned consequences. I find that remembering the 8 verses of thought transformation is a good way to deal with people who are angry, as by practising the 8 verses, patience comes into play. Why? Because with spiritualism, as practitioners, we remember that all our actions will bring forth a result, and with that immediately patience and understanding will be what you will act out of. From that, you will know how to act and deal with the situation when abused by anger. And you not reacting with your own anger will also calm the mind of the other party down.

How often or how much can you stay away from that person? What if that person is a family member? Staying away from them might only serve to harm them further. What can we do? React back (not with anger), but with love, kindness, patience and compassion. Yes, it is hard, but it will calm the minds of the other party down, and think of how much damage they are doing to themselves with their anger.. will you be the fuel to add on to it, or the water to cool it down? That helps me.

[RedLantern]

It is important to understand that anger is something created by ourselves.Avoiding anger is easier said than done.People have trouble managing everyday anger,annoyance and irritations that run through their minds.
The problem with anger,like all problems,is attachment.Giving in to the impulses of anger,allowing anger to hook us and jerk us around ,is weakness.It takes strength to acknowledge the fear and selfishness in which our anger usually is rooted.Practice forgiveness for letting go of anger.It is not difficult ,once we really accept that.Buddha taught method for counteracting anger and for purifying karma created by anger.
Buddhism teaches us how to look at the situation from a different perspective and how to interpret events in a different way.If we do that ,we will find there is no reason to get angry to start with.Then there is no anger to express or suppress.