It has been commonly said that we cannot recognize another's strengths or flaws if we ourselves do not have it inherently in us. So, everyone has an angry mind, or shall I say the anger in the mind is latent and can be triggered.
When I pray to Dorje Shugden I offer up all my virtues, merits, flaws, so that I can clear my mind and let go of all that clutter. When the mind is clear or calm, we can learn better... and the Dharma seeds have good grounds to germinate.
I can relate to what you wrote, Diamond Girl.
We can't identify things that we do not know of ourselves. Therefore, if it is not already within us, we can't recognise it either.
Having said that, the source of our anger could be very different personal things.
For the longest time, I am completely adverse to people who like to talk in an angry tone, to the point that they are raising their voices. I didn't understand why they need to talk like that. I used to label these kind of raging talk as 'barking'.
I used to hate it when someone 'barked' at me, whether they have reason to or not. I cringed at the sound of it and I couldn't bear hearing people bark and bark at me. It used to turn me off so much that I would do my best to avoid these people altogether. I rather not even come within 500 miles of their reach.
Of course things became very challenging when I was working closely on one project with someone whose style was to 'bark' - from my my point of view anyways. And because this person was the head, we all had to dance according to his tune, moods and his direction. If he didn't like something, we would all get it. If he was not in a good mood, we all would feel it. And if something went wrong or we did a mistake, we would never heard the end of this incessant 'barking'.
However after attending much Dharma teachings and listening to my Guru's advice, I asked myself to look deeper into the source of my 'adverse reaction'. Why do I react this way to what I termed as 'barking'? Why would I term it as 'barking' in the first place and perceive it with such negative emotions?
After much contemplation, I found that the real source of my complete adverse reaction to anything that remotely sounds or looks like barking was because it was all tied to the memory of my father. My father was a very angry, moody and impatient person. I had always felt that I was walking on egg shells when I was around him. Whatever slight mistake I made, he would just shout at me and 'bark' at me until the cows came home. I hated every minute of it and I really couldn't stand it. It was the very thing that drove me up the wall and around the ceiling and then some!
Hence, from that intense memory of my father's barking, whenever I hear something similar or someone acting in somewhat the same way, it would trigger these memories and all its negative elements. And I would just react adversely to it. Although none of it had even anything to do with the memory of my father or my childhood. It was how I hung onto that perception. That inability to let go has caused me to relive the agony of 'barking' over and over again until recently, even though it was not my father and it had nothing to do with my father.
What's worse is that I started to perceive these so-called 'barkers' in a negative light and I begin to dislike as well. Then, in my heart and mind, I begin to harbour the same angry emotions towards them. But reality is, I was the one re-creating a scenario for me to relive something unpleasant in my past. And it was me who allowed these unhealthy thoughts and feelings to continue to haunt me for as long as they did.
It took a long time to understand this, let alone, accept. But when I began to let go, I found that it became easier for me to embrace the different people I come across in my everyday life. I am not so affected anymore, nor do I need to carry any angry feelings or thoughts against someone else. There is no re-living of a personal nightmare, orchestrated by me. And there is no adverse repercussions created by my own negative reactions towards others.
This peace of mind came late. But I was very glad that I managed to arrive to this point somehow. There is such a huge weight that has been lifted within me from the moment I began to see. And for that, I am indeed truly grateful.
These days, I adapt and work in much better terms with the people around me. What's encouraging is that I can begin to care more about those around me, as opposed to before due to my perception of 'barking'.
