Re: Dealing with angry minds

[WoselTenzin]

An angry mind can be very dangerous.  Recently I have watched a movie of a man who was extremely angry with himself because he failed in his business and was running into huge debts. Due to his anger, he started taking it out on his family.  He abuse and beat his wife and his children just to vent his frustration.  Finally, when he was not able to cope with his failure anymore, his angry mind escalated to the extent that he killed his wife and children and then kill himself because he could not let go of his anger of himself for his failure.

This movie was actually made based on a real life story that had happened in a developing country.  We can see here that an angry mind can cause a lot of disaster and therefore before we even come anywhere close to that extent, we must curb it immediately.  If we let an angry fester and grow, the result can be disastrous and the damage irreversible.

[Positive Change]

Being angry is common with many people.  However, if being angry with oneself and contemplating on the source of anger can be very empowering for mind transformation. Sadly, most of the time, anger is used to either take advantage of others or simply to bully others.

As what Positive Change says, harnessing anger or any form of strong emotions within our puny mind,can be changed to very positive energy.  Anger is a very strong emotion, understand the source and I believe we can have mind transformation.

My anger used be destructive to many people around me.  On learning the Dharma, I am trying to change the source and effect of my anger and when it comes I curb myself from being destructive. My anger always arises when I feel that someone is not doing well for herself or himself, and this is all about my ego in judging the standards and way of things to be done.

I have not cultivated my anger to be a source of good energy, but I am trying and let it be known, it is now easy. I aspire to have better control of my anger and praying to Dorje Shugden will work.   

Dondrup Shugden... In realising what you have mentioned above I believe is the first step in transforming the mind. It is when we choose not to "realise" our faults and "bury" them, is when it becomes a problem. Most often than not we chose to hide and we are shocked and "angry" that the world points it out to us. It makes sense because, if we ourselves cannot "accept" our own flaws, how accepting are we to others pointing it out!

For me personally, having realised my potential to be angersome and lashing out has made me more aware of my "actions" and thus curbing my angry mind to a certain extent. It is when we perfect this is when are are truly mindful and this should translate into all aspects of our lives and only then can we truly say we are focusing out.

[samayakeeper]

Re: Dealing with angry minds

Anger is one of the poisons of our mind that make us lash out with hurtful words and actions. Scarier is the type of anger that is silent, where the mind plots to exact revenge.

Example: The driver of another car overtook while we were driving, honked his car’s horn and gave a long stare as he zipped past. Many of us would rant and rave, wave our hands and maybe gesticulate wildly. That driver drove on, what went on in his mind we would not know. But in our mind, we thought, “who the heck is he, is he the only one paying taxes?” among many other thoughts, some not proper to write about. Maybe we even took a mental note of that car’s registration and thought, “if I saw it again, I will make sure it is scratched.” Or worse, maybe I will call some mates on my cell phone to rough up that guy when he parked. All sorts of imagination crop up in our mind.

Why? It is because we cannot let go or maybe do not want to?

[WoselTenzin]

Dear Samayakeeper, what you have just said makes so much sense.  People lash out hurtful words and actions because they are angry and it is usually mainly with themselves.  There could be many reasons for this.  Among other reasons are they have not been getting what they want and the anger and dissatisfaction has been festering in their or someone who is important to them has hurt them and they can't let go of their anger for a long time.

Understanding the cause of anger in another person helps us to develop patience and compassion for them as we will understand tha those who are consumed with anger suffer a lot too. 

On our part, we take responsibility for being at the receiving end because we probably created the karma for it in the past.  In this way dealing with angersome people helps us to develop patience and compassion and at the same time if viewed in a correct way and not retaliate helps us to purify our past negative karma relating to it. 

[Aurore]

Hi,

This is my first time in the forum and funnily this is the first post I stumbled upon. What is so funny is that I was dealing with my anger the whole freaking day. Too much of a coincident to what I think!

I usually consciously try to stop my anger from arising and divert my thoughts to a more positive thought. However, I find this method stopped working after some time. I am not truly facing my anger, I am just ignoring it and deep inside resentment started growing as well because I have not totally let go. The reason is because I am not addressing what is causing the anger.

I agree with what you guys are saying here especially about the type of silent anger. Silent anger is a battle within ourselves (hence it's silent, but loud in the head) and therefore the only way is to confront the anger by examining all the feelings and thoughts that arise from it. I find it helpful to write it all down so that I can better see all the messed up things that is going on in my head. That way I can slowly work on all this negative feelings/traits I have that causes the anger to arise. The more these feelings are removed through understanding, the less anger will arise.

[Positive Change]

Hi,

This is my first time in the forum and funnily this is the first post I stumbled upon. What is so funny is that I was dealing with my anger the whole freaking day. Too much of a coincident to what I think!

I usually consciously try to stop my anger from arising and divert my thoughts to a more positive thought. However, I find this method stopped working after some time. I am not truly facing my anger, I am just ignoring it and deep inside resentment started growing as well because I have not totally let go. The reason is because I am not addressing what is causing the anger.

I agree with what you guys are saying here especially about the type of silent anger. Silent anger is a battle within ourselves (hence it's silent, but loud in the head) and therefore the only way is to confront the anger by examining all the feelings and thoughts that arise from it. I find it helpful to write it all down so that I can better see all the messed up things that is going on in my head. That way I can slowly work on all this negative feelings/traits I have that causes the anger to arise. The more these feelings are removed through understanding, the less anger will arise.

Welcome to the "forum family" Aurore...

It is interesting how you have come to realize that you cannot just "ignore" the anger and focus on a positive thought and think the anger will fade away. I think when one does that, the anger festers and burns away like embers of a campfire. After a while, with enough "added" influences the fire rages again stronger than before.

I also like what you said about writing it all down. It is a good way to decontruct the anger so to speak. Really to face it and take it apart! If addressed in this way, if similar instances that happens which would normally make us fume would actually dissipate! I like that. Thank you for sharing this as it makes a lot of sense to me.

[Vajraprotector]

Welcome Aurore. What you said is real Dharma and perhaps you don't realise it, it is the same method employed by His Holiness the Dalai Lama too!

Dalai Lama advised that we should understand that anger and hate is very destructive and to use that kind of sort of realisation/ to reduce the intensity of anger. His Holiness said that once we realise anger is something bad for the community and to one’s own peace of mind, we find the opposite sort of emotion - that's love and kindness or compassion. So we try to increase these opposite power or force.

I’d like to share a few lines from Larry King show when His Holiness went on the show in the year 2000 which His Holiness referred to as a way to train our mind.

DALAI LAMA: Of course, sometimes I got sort of irritations, little sorts of irritations. That happens. But, you see, I always -- as a Buddhist practitioner, I always try to minimize these things. So I think the -- comparatively, you see, these -- by these sort of negative sort of emotions will not -- mustn't disturb my peace of mind. That's -- I'm always trying.

As our meditation (and will power!) is not as strong due to lack of practise, perhaps more practical ways to help us let go is better than just concentrate on meditation at this point.

I recently came across a book, Let It Go: Burn, Bury, Rip, Repeat by Joanna Arettam. It uses simple, fun rituals involving the four elements — fire, water, air, earth — to render negative issues harmless by altering them and releasing them forever. Writing is just the beginning. It introduces methods like tear the written pages out of the book and burn, bury, soak, or scatter them. These rituals help us to let go of the  negatives and transform them into positives.

For example, let go of anger by writing a list of things that makes you see red on a "Contract with Earth." Bury the contract in a pot of loamy soil place seeds of a plant that will grow to yield a beautiful flower. 

Perhaps we can share what are the ways/our experience of how let go of our anger?

[Helena]

This is a beautiful thread, although there is another of the same title. But all the comments shared here are different from the ones in the other thread. All most helpful to read, contemplate and recognise that we all have the same mental ailments or afflictions in ourselves.

This is one of the reasons why I love Buddhism so much. IT deals with our mental afflictions and we all share the same afflictions regardless of our backgrounds, culture, gender, belief systems, age, etc. It really proves how similar we all are because EGO is EGO no matter how we dress, label it and whichever country it is residing in.

People in higher positions of authority and power have more of it to deal with, usually. Yet they do not even realise how much their angry minds are creating obstacles to their leadership.

Personally, I think we all have angry minds but knowing how to deal with our own and others' angry minds in a positive and beneficial manner is the true mark of a great individual. Much more so if that person happen to be in a position of power and authority. It is not just limited to spirituality. It covers all aspects of life.

[dsiluvu]

Anger is the manifestation of something deeper that we are unhappy or unsatisfied about. An insecurity and fear we have inside that we cannot face. All these are like the wheel of sharp weapons returning back to us for the wrong we have done, up until now we have created so much negative karma, we don't even realise and we wonder why we are like so.

End up we hide and cover and hide and cover until there is so many layers then it either

1. Explodes or 2. You become alienated and cold to the world

Either is not good... you can seek professional help or do  Mig Tse Ma as Tsongkhapa's practice is really good in healing sick minds like these... there has been proven results that you mind becomes lighter, more pliable/flexible, definitely less anger and less depression.

[Positive Change]

Very often we get angry for what I call "no reason"... it is a self defense mechanism which springs up automatically because of all the negative karma we have reaped through many lifetimes. And we wonder at why people tend to think we are bitchy or defensive or just mean.

When this happens we should look inside ourselves and think "why do people actually say this about me?". Surely the people around me cannot be wrong in their assessment and I am the only one that is right!

It is indeed hard to "catch" ourselves from the initial spark of anger but we can always stop in our tracks the moment it happens and just "take the chill pill" so to speak. When others around you look taken aback or just do not know what just happened, perhaps we should take a step back and just count to 10 and start again... I personally find this helps.

I do not think I am an angersome person per se, but I can be downright defensive to the core.... as I want to be right all the time no matter what... sometimes I feel I have the right to say my peace but most times we do not have the opportunity to as our words or actions may have sparked off a domino effect already. So, I trust the "mirrors" around me rather than my deluded mind as I know, it is my action that provokes a reaction!

[hope rainbow]

The way I understand and experience ANGER is like this:

1.
I feel un-happy, somehow not satisfied.
(this applies to various degrees, it can be that I am depressed, or that I lost money, or that my bike got stolen, or I have physical pain, maybe someone punched me, or I fell from my bike, or I am ill...)
(in fact for sentient beings like us, it is a feeling that is pervading most of the time)

2.
I am ignorant, for I do not look in causes for this un-happiness in me, but I look "outside".
(what food gave me that cancer, who punched me, my father was mean and that is why I am depressed...)

3.
I have identified (erroneously) an object as the cause of my un-happiness.
(the guy who just over-took me on the highway, the colleague who gave me a nasty look, or even an object like my phone which "refuses" to switch on...)

4.
I nurture a mind of retaliation, a mind of anger
("You are going to regret what YOU did to ME!" and we even retaliate to a mobile phone throwing it with rage across the room and stepping on it...)

5.
Anger = the will to hurt someone or even something.
I think that somehow to hurt the guy who just overtook me on the highway will ease my un-happiness and I even dare to think that this will make me happy!
Our thinking is so bias that we even think that murdering someone will bring back our peace of mind.

6.
We act, we hurt, we deceive.
We like it in the moment.
We are "in charge".
We are "in control".
"problem solved!"

Anger = ignorance in motion.

What happens after is:
A. we experience the same thing again (un-happiness), as we created the causes to experience it because of the way we dealt with it.
B. out of habit, we deal with the situation in a similar fashion (anger).
C. eventually it spins out of control, up to a point where we loose our ability to analyse the situation and to develop alternative thinking about the solution to the problem.

Unfortunately, the problem for me is that I realize the above AFTER I have acted...
So part of the solution is to watch our train of thoughts BEFORE we have justified anger in our mind, that is NOT TO IDENTIFY AN OUTSIDE OBJECT as the cause of our pain, loss or suffering, but to recall karma to my mind at that point, to recall the lamrim teachings, to recall my guru's advise too.
And eventually to recognize that the problem is not solve by hurting someone else in retaliation, on the contrary it is made worse.

example:
If I want to get rid of the guy calling me names, I MUST STOP calling him names back.
Then the karma will simply exhaust and this experience will end.

[hope rainbow]

The other side of the problem with anger is who to deal with angry people, those that have identified US as the cause for their un-happiness?
Those people that take us as their object of retaliation...
How to deal with anger in others???
In the family, at work, in the subway, there are plenty of occasions to experience that.

[WoselTenzin]

The other side of the problem with anger is who to deal with angry people, those that have identified US as the cause for their un-happiness?
Those people that take us as their object of retaliation...
How to deal with anger in others???
In the family, at work, in the subway, there are plenty of occasions to experience that.

It is true that most of us do encounter such people but I must say that we can never avoid all angry people but we can protect our minds from them by contemplating on the Dharma.  We cannot cover the whole earth with leather but we can wear shoes to protect our feet.  Very cliche but it's true.

If you think of it carefully, there is really no point retaliating.  If you have live long enough, you will know for a fact that reacting to angry people don't work.  They can hurt you with their words only if you let them.  If you think objectively, the reason why people are angersome is because fundamentally they are unhappy inside and their anger is simply a manifestation of their unhappiness. Thinking that way we should develop compassion for them.

On the other hand, we should also take responsibility for being their object of anger.  Nothing happens for no reason.  We have definitely created the cause for it in the past.  Therefore we should be patient in face of such situation thinking that we are purifying our past negative action.

Easier said than done but if we are able to do that, it will do wonders to our spiritual progress!

[Positive Change]

The other side of the problem with anger is who to deal with angry people, those that have identified US as the cause for their un-happiness?
Those people that take us as their object of retaliation...
How to deal with anger in others???
In the family, at work, in the subway, there are plenty of occasions to experience that.

It is true that most of us do encounter such people but I must say that we can never avoid all angry people but we can protect our minds from them by contemplating on the Dharma.  We cannot cover the whole earth with leather but we can wear shoes to protect our feet.  Very cliche but it's true.

If you think of it carefully, there is really no point retaliating.  If you have live long enough, you will know for a fact that reacting to angry people don't work.  They can hurt you with their words only if you let them.  If you think objectively, the reason why people are angersome is because fundamentally they are unhappy inside and their anger is simply a manifestation of their unhappiness. Thinking that way we should develop compassion for them.

On the other hand, we should also take responsibility for being their object of anger.  Nothing happens for no reason.  We have definitely created the cause for it in the past.  Therefore we should be patient in face of such situation thinking that we are purifying our past negative action.

Easier said than done but if we are able to do that, it will do wonders to our spiritual progress!

This rings very true for me... we are masters of our own emotions. If someone is angry AT us, there is always two sides to the coin. Yes they could be angersome but we could have also caused them to be in whatever action or non action we do. At the end of the day, we created the karma for it to happen to us and for that we have to take full responsibility.

I was in an abusive relationship and that was a while back now. When in it, all I can think of was, why me? And that the person was so mean. I loved this person but this was how I am treated? Looking back now, and knowing what I know now, this all came about from my own negative karma ripening. Of course it takes to hands to clap... it is not just the other person, there has to be a contributing element from me too!

I can safely say, I am not angry (anymore) at this person... in fact I often wonder how this person is. I pray the person is well and that some peace has touched this person's life.

I pray no one ever experiences such angersome minds in their lives... ones that manifest into physical anger. But the sad reality is, it happens and we do not even hear of such matters till its too late. Curb that angry mind before we hurt someone we love!

[hope rainbow]

I pray no one ever experiences such angersome minds in their lives... ones that manifest into physical anger. But the sad reality is, it happens and we do not even hear of such matters till its too late. Curb that angry mind before we hurt someone we love!

And before we hurt someone we hate too?
Because we most likely hurt people we hate...
At least intentionally.

So I guess, working on anger is also working on the compartmentalization we apply to people we love, those we hate and those we could not be bothered with....