Handling people

[Klein]

How does one handle a team mate who doesn't take any constructive feedback from anybody because of they have flaws? Everyone has flaws unless they're a buddha. Any ideas?

[Galen]

It all depends on the attitude of the person. If this happens in the corporate world, it will be sure that the person will be left out in the corporate world. But in Dharma, we would need to practice patience and kindness towards that person. It will take a lot of nurturing on the person for their mind to change and transform. Everyone has the potential and we should look at the bigger picture.

Buddha taught the Dharma in 84,000 ways so that it will suit everyone. So I guess we would need to use different methods on the person until the person realize that the feedback is for their own good and also good for the organization.

Patience is the key.

My 2 cents worth.

[WoselTenzin]

In order to convince this team mate, you need to debate with her so that she can see the logic that even people with flaws can be accurate in their assessment of others. You can try by asking her if she has flaws?  She will have to answer "yes" as no one is above flaws unless one is a Buddha. Then you can ask her if she thinks that her assessment of others is right. 

Someone having a big ego like her would probably say "most of the time" in order to act humble even if she thinks that she is right all the time.  Then, in that case you can assert that even she herself thinks that she can assess others correctly most of the time even though she has flaws.  Why not others?  Since that is the case, wouldn't it be in her favour to accept constructive feedback from others?

Someone like her needs to be convinced by being defeated in debate using logic.   

There is always some truth in feedback given by others even if it is not completely true.  We should take all feedback especially negative feedback as information that we can use to improve ourselves instead of reacting it. We should be thankful to people who give us such feedback whether they are our friends or "enemy".  In fact, our "enemy" most of the time give us more accurate feedback as they are less likely to "sugar coat" the truth in order not to hurt our ego.

[hope rainbow]

Think of her as your mother needing help, perhaps more methods would come to your mind, and a different type of motivation too.

[DSFriend]

If we are not practitioners, I'd say get rid of the difficult team mate! Why should time be wasted to think of ways to give constructive feedback!.

Well, we are practitioners so here goes….

There are many reasons why people don't take constructive feedback well. Perhaps, sheer arrogance, pride, superiority complex at work. etc. What keeps us in samsara is clinging…one of the four types of clinging is clinging towards a standpoint…whatever the standpoint may be. We will continue clinging to a standpoint if we do not realize that by allowing ourselves to do this, it will only keep us where we are. There will be no progress. Therefore, this clinging must be abandoned.

People do not take feedback because they view that their standpoint is right or simply being arrogant that they do not want to be "wrong". Being right and not being wrong become their entire focus. Unenlightened beings function through the workings of the delusional mind.

So what's required to break thru to people who cling to a standpoint (which we are all as guilty off) Care for them sincerely, not just by words, but by action. I like to believe that all human beings connect and react with care and love. The constructive feedback could have been  given out of care.. but has care been shown on a normal basis to build trust? Or has "care" been given only through verbal advice/constructive feedback?

In short, if we wish to be of benefit to someone, building trust and respect is important. Care and love is crucial to build the bond. Perhaps then it is the beginning to not view dealing with difficult people as "handling them" but rather benefitting them.

[WoselTenzin]

If we are not practitioners, I'd say get rid of the difficult team mate! Why should time be wasted to think of ways to give constructive feedback!.

That's so true.  From the side of people at the receiving end of constructive feedback which include many people including myself, perhaps what would make us more receptive would be to think that if people don't care or try to do the right thing, they will not even bother to give us constructive feedback. 

Perhaps, it would be wiser to see beyond our ego and be open to feedback and evaluate for ourselves honestly whether the feedback is true and apply the remedy if it is.  We have got nothing to loose and everything to gain.  If anything, being open to feedback of others wins them over and create good relationship because we show them respect by listening to what they have to say and not reacting or shutting them off.  Whether we agree or take their advice eventually is another matter.

[pgdharma]

"If we are not practitioners, I'd say get rid of the difficult team mate! Why should time be wasted to think of ways to give constructive feedback!. "

How true! But since we are dharma practitioners we should cultivate patience and try our utmost to give constructive feedback. Since everyone, including our self has flaws unless we are a Buddha, we should practice patience and use our skillfulness to nurture our team mate. On our part, if others give us feedback for us to improve our self, we should cut off our ego and be open and accept the feedback. We should work on that feedback and improve on our self.

[Reena Searl]

Handling people has to be skillful, there are many types of people, everyone has strength and weakness,
to me i used to focus on each individual strength rather than weakness. of course, when we handle "DIFFICULT PEOPLE" we have to be more patient and tolerance.

[Tenzin K]

Nobody is perfect. Everyone has their ego that put up as a wall when being challenge. What a different for a dharma practioner is that we have learned the buddha's teaching and should put it into practice else we are no different with those that have no karma to meet the enlightened teaching.

Compassion play a big role here. Not realizing one own fault will just make one keep nurturing their flaws. In long run one will have nobody but sadness and loneliness. Worst thing is lower realm in future rebirth.

Being a team mate if we don't help each other it's selfish. We would appreciate if we are at the opposite role if our friend never give up to give constructive feedback for us to change. By us help one, and one helping others……wonderful!

[WoselTenzin]

Nobody is perfect. Everyone has their ego that put up as a wall when being challenge. What a different for a dharma practioner is that we have learned the buddha's teaching and should put it into practice else we are no different with those that have no karma to meet the enlightened teaching.

That's very true, no one is perfect, not even ourselves.  People including ourselves will always have faults.  However, if we choose to see the good in others instead of their faults, we will be more tolerant when dealing with people and as a result our respond towards others will naturally be more skilful. 

If we always find faults in others, you will become angersome and impatient and your respond to others will be unskilful.  Most people will not react well to anger and impatience.  As such, you will find it difficult to relate to and work with people and vice versa.

Patience is key when handling people.  However, patience can only be developed through sincere practice and effort. So how do we start? For myself personally, "The Eight Verses of Thought Transformation by Geshe Langri Tangpa" (can be found at http://dorjeshugden.com/wp/?p=1292) really helps.

[Positive Change]

I believe we need to see the good in everyone and not just focus on their flaws... As constantly mentioned in this thread, no one is perfect and hence so called constructive feedback may often be flawed too, as we work on what we deem to be right and impose that on another person.

In some situations we tend to tell ourselves we have been through a particular situation and we know better... but my question is, do we really? We probably know what is best (or we think is best) for ourselves but on the same token that no two persons are the same, why should certain comments too?

Yes this sounds almost chaotic and somewhat overbearing but certainly points to ponder on no?

[diamond girl]

In short, if we wish to be of benefit to someone, building trust and respect is important. Care and love is crucial to build the bond. Perhaps then it is the beginning to not view dealing with difficult people as "handling them" but rather benefitting them.

In most of the cases when one is unable to receive feedback, or constructive criticism, it is due to ego and the fear of being "wrong". Feedback is not about Right and Wrong but about giving information so that another can improve. Feedback works two-ways. If you can give, you should also receive. In addition, it is the perception that feedback is about making someone wrong. Being wrong and improvement seem to be linked. If this attitude can change and not link that improvement means one is wrong but simply there is room to be better, which is why I agree with DSFriend about not seeing it as "handling people" which has a negative connotation but rather benefitting them.

When we shift this way of thinking, the delivery of our feedback would be more effective because it will come with care, love and kindness... And when our friends feel this, they will receive and embrace the feedback. At the end of it all, it is the motivation behind the feedback which makes it effective or not. And always remember, with different people different communication skills are required... 

[Klein]

In short, if we wish to be of benefit to someone, building trust and respect is important. Care and love is crucial to build the bond. Perhaps then it is the beginning to not view dealing with difficult people as "handling them" but rather benefitting them.

In most of the cases when one is unable to receive feedback, or constructive criticism, it is due to ego and the fear of being "wrong". Feedback is not about Right and Wrong but about giving information so that another can improve. Feedback works two-ways. If you can give, you should also receive. In addition, it is the perception that feedback is about making someone wrong. Being wrong and improvement seem to be linked. If this attitude can change and not link that improvement means one is wrong but simply there is room to be better, which is why I agree with DSFriend about not seeing it as "handling people" which has a negative connotation but rather benefitting them.

When we shift this way of thinking, the delivery of our feedback would be more effective because it will come with care, love and kindness... And when our friends feel this, they will receive and embrace the feedback. At the end of it all, it is the motivation behind the feedback which makes it effective or not. And always remember, with different people different communication skills are required...

Diamond girl, what you say is so true. I have been working with a new business associate lately who is very disorganised and unprofessional. He doesn't keep to the budget that was mutually agreed, doesn't update and reacts when questioned on the inconsistency.

Since the project has started, I have no better choice but to change my ways to handle him so that he gives the results that I want. I have to constantly praise him and slip in suggestions of how we can improve the situation. After a while I felt sad for him because I realised that he is suffering a lot. He has many personal issues and he's living in denial. This explains his defensiveness.

By showing him lots of care and kindness, it was easier to communicate and get things done. So moral of the story is, we need to change ourselves if we want to change the results we want.

[Jessie Fong]

I believe we need to see the good in everyone and not just focus on their flaws... 

Yes, I totally agree with Positive Change that we should see the good in everyone (and everything, in fact). The "flaw" that we so perceived can be considered just a 'temporary setback' while we go about helping our friend to improve.  So this flaw becomes our test of patience, for us to work on improving and ultimately helping us in return.  So help others, help yourself.  There is nothing lost. 

If we are told of our flaw/s, we should be thankful, in fact, that someone cares enough to point it out to us so that we can change and improve to be better.

[sonamdhargey]

How does one handle a team mate who doesn't take any constructive feedback from anybody because of they have flaws? Everyone has flaws unless they're a buddha. Any ideas?

Hi Klien,

My opinion, firstly we need to understand that person's character. Talk to your team mate. Ask your team mate for his opinion. Listen to what he or she has to say. Show that you care and want to help. Be a friend and be patience. Some people may be hurt easily and cannot take criticism or feedback directly.

Take a more subtle approach first and see how your team mate reacts. If there are positive results then continue. If not change another way. Be firm and consistent with your approach. Change does not happen over night. With consistency and patience without getting angry yourself and show kindness, I believe your team mate will take your feedback constructively and will improve.