Author Topic: Forgiveness as a buddhist practitioner  (Read 18339 times)

Big Uncle

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Re: Forgiveness as a buddhist practitioner
« Reply #15 on: January 22, 2012, 07:11:37 PM »
I would like share what I observed of an angersome friend that I knew. I am explaining this not to put him down but to understand his or her cause so we do not become like them and also we can help others that we may encounter in the future.

My friend loses his temper very easily and for the smallest and pettiest of reasons. He didn't grow up hating the world. He grew up with everything that he ever wanted or in other words, pretty much a silver spoon in his mouth due to the kindness of his father. However, he hated his father because his mother left them when he was very young. The mother left the father for a wealthier man and the father was scarred. So, he worked even harder and provided everything out of love.

At times, his father even spoilt him with money, perhaps out of guilt. Sadly, my friend grew up to resent the father because he blamed his father for the absence of his mother and so, he keeps spending the father's money, perhaps its his way to get back at his father. He was highly intelligent but unable to secure any business for long before bankrupting the companies he made. He became demanding and controlled everyone with his temper and money. He is seen as an extremely volatile and angry person. People tolerate him only because he is rich. But his demeanor scares all the prospective clients away and he made enemies in high places.

That's the situation my friend is in and I tried to talk him out of it but its very hard as he has no faith in the Dharma, doesn't listen and he is in a very bad situation right now. He has said very nasty things to me before and I didn't take it to heart but no one else has forgiven him. I post this as an example of a reason why a person can be very angry.

Positive Change

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Re: Forgiveness as a buddhist practitioner
« Reply #16 on: January 23, 2012, 08:29:25 AM »
I find this interesting purely because we always perceive forgiveness as something we need to do for the other person in order for us to move on. That is a rather egotistical view I feel... as who are we to absolve the person of his or her wrong doing and then feel good about it. Hmmmm...

I feel "forgiveness" should be an emotion where we tell ourselves and no one else that no outside influence can and will harm, anger, frustrate or hurt us. That we are after all, masters of our own emotions and whatever we experience, good or bad arises from our self. There is really no need to "forgive" another if we do not let the other effect us. When we do, it is actually our fault and has arisen from our own negative karma to begin with. On that same token, whatever good we experience is to a certain extent a culmination of the good that we have done.

Am I saying here there is no need to say "thank you", "sorry" or "its ok"... NO! I am merely saying that we should reflect and understand why we say anything to begin with. Where it comes from. What the motivation is. It is easy to say "sorry"... it is easy to say "I forgive you"... but deep down inside we need to ask ourselves why?

Yeah it is one of those days of reflection! ;)

Ensapa

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Re: Forgiveness as a buddhist practitioner
« Reply #17 on: January 23, 2012, 09:09:05 AM »
I'd like to share a story on why forgiveness is important.

I used to have a very close friend that hangs out with me all the time and all and was really nice to me, but in the end I realize he was lying about many things so I confronted him. He immediately ended the friendship and cut off all contact. That was 6 years ago.

Recently I tried to add him in facebook again and he put in his status a psycho from the past tried to readd me. no way!. And in the comment, he made many snide remarks against me without revealing my name and there were other friends of his who didint even know me made rude comments like ship him to a rocket so that he wont harm others etc. I realized I did have hurt him a lot and I have apologized to him over the years, he said he has forgiven me but the recent action shows that he has not. And he does this sort of lies to me and everyone else around him all the time. That was what i could not stand and what i was so angry about back then. But after meeting my Lama I learnt to forgive and let go, although he has not. For him to react that way, it must have hurt him very badly and he has not let go until now, and probably he is not happy deep inside having to live so many lies to so many different people just so that he can fulfill their expectations and be loved and accepted. It dosent take much to see where is he heading to with that attitude of his.

If I have not met my Lama, I would not have forgiven him at all, and would have become bitter and such, and i wouldnt be the happier person that I am now.

He has been a good friend, but once i saw past his lies and confronted him, he turned into a monster. I guess this is samsara after all, lol where friends can be enemies in a single instant.

negra orquida

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Re: Forgiveness as a buddhist practitioner
« Reply #18 on: January 23, 2012, 09:41:49 AM »
I agree with yontemjamyang, we forgive someone whom we think has hurt us.  If there is no hurt, there is nothing to forgive.  So when we think someone has hurt us, we feel angry at the person because we think it is all the person's fault and it is very unfair/unreasonable for the person to hurt you.  As a result, we may want to take revenge at the person and try to let the person have a "taste of his own medicine".

I also agree with KhedrubGyatso
Quote
forgiving is not about losing but taking responsibility to avoid a chain reaction of hatred that can destroy the world
Forgiving is putting the other person's happiness above our own desire to be the end winner.  Forgiving means accepting that we have been hurt, we feel it, and let go, move on.  We acknowledge that we also play a big part of getting into a situation to be hurt by the other person (or ourselves) i.e. karma.  By forgiving, we set both ourselves and the person free from the emotional baggage caused by the conflict.

Jessie Fong

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Re: Forgiveness as a buddhist practitioner
« Reply #19 on: January 23, 2012, 10:21:47 AM »
To forgive someone whom you feel has hurt you is not easy.  But if you do not do so, how are you going to move on, with all that anger and hatred trapped inside you?  By forgiving the other person, you are doing yourself a favor - you will feel lighter.  You do not need to be pretentious in his presence.  Forgive and move on.

DSFriend

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Re: Forgiveness as a buddhist practitioner
« Reply #20 on: January 23, 2012, 10:29:39 AM »
Feelings of hurt if not healed will turn into anger, bitterness and revenge.  To look at this the other way round then, perhaps it's a sign/symtom of how much anger a person has if the person experiences difficulties in forgiving.

The chances for us to not get hurt is close to nil, but learning how to transform the feelings of hurt into something positive instead of destructive to ourselves and others is what i'm interested in learning and mastering.

I find people with a bigger vision and mission than just preserving oneself to be inspirational in overcoming hurt done to them. ie., the monks who have lived through tremendous persecutions with no negative psychological effects, or people like Aung San Suu Kyi.

kurava

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Re: Forgiveness as a buddhist practitioner
« Reply #21 on: January 24, 2012, 10:18:16 AM »
Once, I heard Oprah in one of her shows said -
Forgiveness means you don't want to let the person that had hurt you to continue with controlling your life. By not forgiving , you are actually submitting yourself to the person that had caused harm to you, you allow him/her to control your mind and 'give up' your happiness to him. Forgiveness is freeing oneself from negative emotions.


Later, my Guru taught -
People that don't or can't forgive is like some one who's stuck his hand into fire , though experiencing pain, is foolish enough to let his hand stay in the fire. We have a choice, we can stop this pain that is deep in our heart. Yes, we had been hurt. Someone had been unfair to us, wronged us etc. However, what is the point of harping on and on about this ? No point repeating  and reliving these unhappy episodes.

We should make the free choice of withdrawing our hand from the fire by forgiving the person that had harmed us because we don't want to continue with the pain.

Midakpa

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Re: Forgiveness as a buddhist practitioner
« Reply #22 on: February 05, 2012, 04:08:17 PM »
Quote
The highest level of acceptance and hence true letting go can only be achieved  when we have realized the true nature of things and where they are coming from. The next level should be compassion based. Midakpa's statement here is more  a psychological or intellectual decision which can only work for small issues or challenges.
(from KhedrubGyatso)

True, but at the beginning of one's practice, letting people win is very hard and takes a lot of swallowing of one's pride. Normally, one tends to argue, justify and defend. But if one can apologise to the other person, even though one is absolutely sure one is right, then to some extent, one will conquer anger. I'm only referring to a beginner in Dharma, not one who has attainments.

On the other hand, if we were the other person being apologised to, if we do not accept others' apologies, then it is a transgression of one of the 46 secondary Bodhisattva vows.


DSFriend

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Re: Forgiveness as a buddhist practitioner
« Reply #23 on: February 14, 2012, 07:45:17 AM »
I've carefully read through the sharing from so many of you and truly, there are many good reasons to forgive.

Is there really one good reason to hold on and NOT FORGIVE? I honestly can't think of one. Even if i can think of, it can easily be refuted by debating with myself. Let's say we do not forgive, and it turns into anger and revenge, which leads us to inflict the same dosage of pain or more back to the "guilty person".I am of course referring to normal people who are not clinically pronounced as being mentally ill!

Revenge or getting back at others will not truly give the satisfaction or peace we desperately need.  The ill feelings will still be there. How can hurting others bring healing? Impossible.


vajratruth

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Re: Forgiveness as a buddhist practitioner
« Reply #24 on: February 14, 2012, 05:41:02 PM »
From Wikepedia, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Forgiveness

 What does forgiveness means in buddhist context? How did you overcome what you went thru and felt you have forgiven the person.


I cannot answer what Forgiveness means in a Buddhist context but I recall reading somewhere that Forgiveness in the Christian context (God's forgiveness of our sins) is to deem the sin never to have occurred at all, and therefore the sinner not to have committed the sin. Everything is wiped clean.

Not so easy is it?

In reality, forgiveness is a futile exercise for the sinner because whether you are forgiven or not, the bad deed is already "recorded" and the karmic seed planted. No amount of forgiveness is going to change that. And sooner or later, the law of karma dictates that you must face the consequences.

On the other hand, the concept of forgiveness offers the forgiver the opportunity to let go of the hurt, to transcend the attachment to being the victim of something very unfair and hurtful.

So long as human beings are still attached to feelings, I think it is very difficult to forgive. We keep hearing the advice "Forgive but don't forget". How do we forgive as in wipe it from our record unless we learn to forget"?

Dondrup Shugden

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Re: Forgiveness as a buddhist practitioner
« Reply #25 on: February 15, 2012, 02:57:18 PM »
Anger, Hate, Jealousy and many many more negative feelings come from the inability to forgive.  When there is no forgiveness there is no compassion and when there is no compassion there is no love.

Without the true foundation for happiness which is love, we can never be happy.  So I will practise forgiveness for the benefit of gaining love and with unconditional and compassionate love, I will gain happiness.

This is the basic truth that I understand from the wonderful study and practice of Buddhism.

RedLantern

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Re: Forgiveness as a buddhist practitioner
« Reply #26 on: February 25, 2012, 04:46:44 PM »
As the saying goes 'to forgive is divine'.As a Buddhist we are more forgiving towards others as we believe in the law of karma.What happened to us might due to our previous bad actions that we had committed to the other party.Realising this a good and knowledgeable Buddhist will not waste his time torturing himself with hatred.Let us be free from greed,among those who are greedy and realised the value of tolerance.We can live happily when there is no hatred in our minds.

sonamdhargey

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Re: Forgiveness as a buddhist practitioner
« Reply #27 on: February 26, 2012, 05:34:23 AM »
Forgiveness in a Buddhist way is to understand where the pain or hurt come from. By understanding that all circumstances arises from our own action be it positive or negative it is a lot easier to forgive because we know that suffering never ends by holding on to grudges and resentment.

Forgiving is a lot easier than hate , anger and resentment.  It takes a lot less time and energy to forgive. Forgiveness generates a compassionate mind that leads to peace of mind and ultimately peace & harmony to everyone around you.

ratanasutra

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Re: Forgiveness as a buddhist practitioner
« Reply #28 on: June 28, 2012, 04:37:01 PM »
As a buddhist practitioner we must learn how to forgive. Because if we can not forgive it, it mean we still could not let go and still hold on to the grudge or still angry with that particular things. Our practice in spiritual path will never progress because of the mind which full of anger.

Below is the story of how Buddha teach the lesson on forgiveness.


The Buddha Teaches a Lesson on Forgiveness

The Buddha was sitting under a tree talking to his disciples when a man came and spit on his face. He wiped it off, and he asked the man, “What next? What do you want to say next?” The man was a little puzzled because he himself never expected that when you spit on somebody’s face, he will ask, “What next?” He had no such experience in his past. He had insulted people and they had become angry and they had reacted. Or if they were cowards and weaklings, they had smiled, trying to bribe the man. But Buddha was like neither, he was not angry nor in any way offended, nor in any way cowardly. But just matter-of-factly he said, “What next?” There was no reaction on his part.

Buddha’s disciples became angry, they reacted. His closest disciple, Ananda, said, “This is too much, and we cannot tolerate it. He has to be punished for it. Otherwise everybody will start doing things like this.”

Buddha said, “You keep silent. He has not offended me, but you are offending me. He is new, a stranger. He must have heard from people something about me, that this man is an atheist, a dangerous man who is throwing people off their track, a revolutionary, a corrupter. And he may have formed some idea, a notion of me. He has not spit on me, he has spit on his notion. He has spit on his idea of me because he does not know me at all, so how can he spit on me?

“If you think on it deeply,” Buddha said, “he has spit on his own mind. I am not part of it, and I can see that this poor man must have something else to say because this is a way of saying something. Spitting is a way of saying something. There are moments when you feel that language is impotent: in deep love, in intense anger, in hate, in prayer. There are intense moments when language is impotent. Then you have to do something. When you are angry, intensely angry, you hit the person, you spit on him, you are saying something. I can understand him. He must have something more to say, that’s why I’m asking, “What next?”

The man was even more puzzled! And Buddha said to his disciples, “I am more offended by you because you know me, and you have lived for years with me, and still you react.”

Puzzled, confused, the man returned home. He could not sleep the whole night. When you see a Buddha, it is difficult, impossible to sleep again the way you used to sleep before. Again and again he was haunted by the experience. He could not explain it to himself, what had happened. He was trembling all over and perspiring. He had never come across such a man; he shattered his whole mind and his whole pattern, his whole past.

The next morning he was back there. He threw himself at Buddha’s feet. Buddha asked him again, “What next? This, too, is a way of saying something that cannot be said in language. When you come and touch my feet, you are saying something that cannot be said ordinarily, for which all words are a little narrow; it cannot be contained in them.” Buddha said, “Look, Ananda, this man is again here, he is saying something. This man is a man of deep emotions.”

The man looked at Buddha and said, “Forgive me for what I did yesterday.”

Buddha said, “Forgive? But I am not the same man to whom you did it. The Ganges goes on flowing, it is never the same Ganges again. Every man is a river. The man you spit upon is no longer here. I look just like him, but I am not the same, much has happened in these twenty-four hours! The river has flowed so much. So I cannot forgive you because I have no grudge against you.”

“And you also are new. I can see you are not the same man who came yesterday because that man was angry and he spit, whereas you are bowing at my feet, touching my feet. How can you be the same man? You are not the same man, so let us forget about it. Those two people, the man who spit and the man on whom he spit, both are no more. Come closer. Let us talk of something else.”

http://www.youaretrulyloved.com/enlightenment/the-buddha-teaches-a-lesson-on-forgiveness/

Jessie Fong

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Re: Forgiveness as a buddhist practitioner
« Reply #29 on: June 29, 2012, 11:21:42 AM »
The Nature of Forgiveness

Mustering up genuine compassion for those who have wronged us, instead of allowing anger toward them to eat away at us, is the course of action recommended by most psychologists.


as explained in  http://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/forgiveness

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We tell ourselves we must forgive but we must also ask ourselves this question Can We Forgive?

Read :

Can You Forgive?

Do you know how to forgive others and yourself?

Published on October 3, 2011 by Mark Banschick, M.D. in The Intelligent Divorce

Can you forgive?  From Jews preparing for Yom Kippur, the holiest Jewish day, to Catholics going to confession before Easter, all religions understand the healing power of forgiveness. Everyone can relate to carrying a grudge that's gone on for too long or feeling guilty for a wrongdoing that needs to be atoned. This is how we are built. As long as there are relationships, there will be a need for forgiveness.

Forgiveness is a powerful and affirmative part of our humanity. It should be differentiated from its close cousin, acceptance, which while important, is essentially, passive.  For many, the healing power of forgiveness allows us to truly move on. It's a topic that is relevant to your life, whether you are religious or not, Jewish or not, guilty or not. A life lived without forgiveness is a life of real pain.