Being "un-friended"

[hope rainbow]

I have lost friends that could not stand my involvement with Dharma and "organized religion" and simply decided that I just did not "fit the bill" anymore.
Ciao!
Bye bye!
Asta la vista!

You want to be a practicing Buddhist and you are not free for parties anymore?
You want to be a vegetarian?
You're on your own! Have fun with your "religious" friends!
Off the list!
facebook invented a term for this: "un-friending"

Anyone wants to share about this here?
Did this happen to you?
How did it make you feel?
What train of action did you decide to take over it?

[Ensapa]

there there

well if people leave you for your choice and your principles, they were not true friends at all. They were just using you for their own amusement and convenience. Real friends will never leave you or unfriend you for any reason at all, unless you hurt them badly or you did something really bad to them.

If they didint leave you, they will probably drag you down, so it is better for them and you to part ways at least for now. When we want to do something that does not harm but does not conform to their standards and they leave us, it shows that they never saw us as a real friend in the first place, just as activity partners to party and have fun with, but run away when we're in trouble or when things dont  go their way anymore.

In short, you're better off without them!

[negra orquida]

there there. there.   

I haven't noticed anyone un-friending me or avoiding me (yet)... probably at most they just avoid the topic on religion heheh.

but i imagine if someone un-friended me for being very involved in "organised religion"... I guess i'd just let them be.. won't blame or have any hard feelings for them for being scared/embarrassed to be my friend, because they don't know any better, and perhaps i have not been a good example to them.

friends come and go and change like the seasons...

[Klein]

I know of a friend who is vegetarian because he's Buddhist. His friend "un-friended" him because he's a vegetarian! When I heard it, I couldn't believe that at this age and time, there are people who's mentality is still so primitive.

Can you imagine, just because my friend chooses not to kill for his food, he is "un-friended" for his act of compassion? I told my friend to forgive him and move on because his friend is obviously too narrow minded and petty. No point getting upset over it. My friend agreed.

[pgdharma]

Well if they "unfriend" us after knowing that our priority is towards the dharma and have a higher purpose in life, then "bye bye"  to this type of friends.  It shows that they are not our true friends or real friends anyways. In fact this type of friends are like Maras pulling us away from doing virtuous actions and will drag us down.

So we should show compassion for them as they are not so fortunate to have the merits to learn the dharma. We should dedicate whatever virtuous we have collected to this type of friends that they will be able to meet with the dharma in future.

[hope rainbow]

Well if they "unfriend" us after knowing that our priority is towards the dharma and have a higher purpose in life, then "bye bye"  to this type of friends.  It shows that they are not our true friends or real friends anyways.

So we should show compassion for them as they are not so fortunate to have the merits to learn the dharma. We should dedicate whatever virtuous we have collected to this type of friends that they will be able to meet with the dharma in future.

Actually, the way it happened is the reason why I decided to share this story.

It happened that they became extremely defensive, eventhough I never provoked anything (not that I realised so).
So I think there is merit from their side, because they know the nature of the Dharma journey and have decided to look away from it and indulge in worldly pleasures.
When one of the worldly indulging friends sharing this behavior turns his head around and start talking about what he discovers, there a sense somehow that "we must get rid" of the guy who threatens our worldly pleasures.

Realising that our attachments, our pleasures, our made-up perfect dream world are THREATENED, we feel the urge to remove the THREAT.
And so I do not think that this reaction, the "un-friending", does not originate from a stupid mind, or else why would they bother, it originates from an intelligent mind that is able to recognize a real THREAT to attachment, delusions and ignorance.
Not that I am the thread, no, but the Dharma is, definitely.

So on one hand there is enough merit to recognize the Dharma (proven by the realisation of the threat), and yet not enough to operate a shift.

Truth always meets resistance at first.
So In a way it is good news!

And as I am now under scrutiny, I better make good of my Dharma journey, for there are still a few years left for my friends to look in the same direction as me, and see me well engaged and beaming and develop the wish to follow the same path. there is still hope and a little time left.

[DharmaSpace]

But you making them uncomfortable is probably a good sign on our part it shows them u have reached a certain level that the dharma in you that they can identify with clearly either that or the physical manifestation of dharma in you is clear and apparent to them.

Well Buddhism also teaches impermanence , friends can become enemies and enemies can become friends so they can come back so why worry?

[pgdharma]

"So on one hand there is enough merit to recognize the Dharma (proven by the realisation of the threat), and yet not enough to operate a shift."

Well if they have enough merits to recognize the dharma, then it is a good sign as all it takes is to trigger off that merit that is dormant so that they can operate a shift. Thus as friends, we can dedicate the merits to them that they may have enough merits to meet with the dharma soon. We must put in the effort to transform ourselves so that they may be inspired by us and follow suit. For a start, we can plant some dharma seeds into them and patiently nurture them but after sometime if there are no results, it's best to leave them alone as pushing them will make them turn their backs on us in order to avoid the dharma. So we have to use skilful methods of approach to deal with the different disposition of our friends.

[negra orquida]

And so I do not think that this reaction, the "un-friending", does not originate from a stupid mind, or else why would they bother, it originates from an intelligent mind that is able to recognize a real THREAT to attachment, delusions and ignorance.

This sounds similar to people who refuse to watch videos/documentaries of what goes on in slaughterhouses because "i don't want to feel guilty when i eat my steak... i still want to enjoy my roast pork... i need my meat fix" They KNOW there's s-o-m-e-t-h-i-n-g going on before that burger landed on their plate but they don't want to face it... i.e. ostrich-ing.

But the fact that they feel uncomfy about it.. is a good sign, there is hope for them yet!  Those who have watched such videos and don't feel anything, or even find it entertaining / amusing... so help them God.

[Positive Change]

I agree with most in stating that these so called friends were not friends to begin with. They sound rather one sided and I guess one could coin the term, fair weathered friends. However, when in the Dharma we should always be an example of how the Dharma is and can be for the person looking in... hence, being devil's advocate, if our so called friends see us and are 'afraid' or uncomfortable, perhaps there is something indeed wrong with us in general and the way we behave, NOT necessarily the Dharma per se.

Having said that, I am sure HR you have friends that are supportive too. So you need to make some checks and balances and see the friends around you for who they are. Some friends come and some friends go. That is the nature of samsara and impermanence. At the same time, I would not forget about these friends. Perhaps sometime in the future (which I hope is not too late) they will begin to 'see' the benefits of Dharma through your example!

[harrynephew]

Truth always meets resistance at first.
So In a way it is good news!

And as I am now under scrutiny, I better make good of my Dharma journey, for there are still a few years left for my friends to look in the same direction as me, and see me well engaged and beaming and develop the wish to follow the same path. there is still hope and a little time left.

Hullo Happy Rainbow

I do share the same feelings as you. After all, in a social network website, we are encouraged to make friends and not be child-like to wage unfriendliness.

However the ban has brought fanatics to a certain end in of socializing. People 'ostracise' others online too and we can very well find that what we do don't harm them and what they do just harm themselves. A sweeping statement? Maybe. But in the spirit of Buddhism, equality is a virtue to be developed over time and this is exactly what people are unable to see here.

A sentient being in hell or in the lower realms claim no deferioirty when compared to any human on the streets in the eye of the Buddha. How can we ever ostracised one single being for just believing in another 'god'.

At this rate, we are becoming more like crazy Christians going up every person's FB wall knocking and asking if they were a devil worshipper and we should condemn them if they were.

Give it a thought folks out there who are watching. How much unnecessary disharmony r u guys creating under the seat of the Buddha?

[kurava]

Dear HR,
Take the opportunity to contemplate and understand the basis for developing an equanimous mind.

In the 7 fold cause and effect, before we generate the mind of equanimity, students are asked to reflect on how easily the concept of friend and foe are interchangeable. A mere word or expression from a "friend" can change the label to "enemy" and vice versa.

No need to feel pissed off for being un-friended. This person is a precious object of your practice, hold him/her dear in your heart 

[yontenjamyang]

Being "un-friended" is part of the process of life. Ce la vie! We can be un-friended naturally and we can un-friend others naturally. We just stop communicating and involving them in our lives.

Of course in your case, as I understand it, your friends actually sat down and sort of made a decision not to invite you anymore for their worldly activities. Sad! That is actions done with motivation. Negative that is! They will be un-friended in turn, I am sure for other reasons. A sure sign of a very insecure bunch of people.

My thinking is that, as Dharma practitioners and as part of our practice, with good motivations, we need to "indulge" ourselves with our friends, to show them being in Dharma does not mean with are in a cult and we became aliens. With compassion, if we slowly show them we have transformed, we will be able to leave positive impressions on them and who knows one day, when they realise it or when they have problems, we can bring them to Dharma. Also, we can use Dharma to support them.

To me, that is true Dharma practice.

[jeremyg]

It is true that sometimes with Dharma practice we do need to sacrifice our friends. We need to sacrifice our time with them, and we need to move outside of our comfort zone. For me, with my practice I have found this to be one of the hardest parts. It is not that I am so much attached to the idea of my friends, it's that I try to please them as much as possible, but sometimes they have to understand that because of certain reasons, and dharma work, I cannot always be 100% reliable. Some of them understand this, but others don't. To me it doesn't matter if they do or not. Whether or not they do doesn't make them a better or worse friend, they are just deluded into the way things "should be". The truth is, nothing is ever the way it should be.

In life we will, lose friends, we will make some; it is only natural. However what I have found is that my dharma friends, are some of the most understanding, most accepting, most trustworthy, and in general nicest people that I have met. To some extent I prefer them to my so called "samsara friends". Hanging out with dharma friends gives friendship meaning. With dharma friends, I feel as though I accomplish more, than the repetitive samsara acts. I have found that my samsara friends tend to repeat the same mistakes, and the same things over and over again. It just gets old for me.

What I am trying to say is that friends are friends, and in a true friendship, it should work both ways, you should add value, attributes, and benefit the other person in the friendship, otherwise there is no reason. With dharma work, or being in the dharma, we will lose friends, but out of compassion we should understand that the friends we have lost, do not know any better, but with positive changes in yourself, we can make them change that viewpoint.

One interesting thing to note, is that exploring the world with a dharmic attitude has made me much more approachable, much more understanding, and stable. In the end, I have actually strengthened the friendships with many of my friends in and out of the dharma. Sometimes we don't need to sacrifice friends, if we find appropriate ways to converse with them. I am going to be honest, I do often change my personality, to suit the person I am with. I find that even though I am not myself all the time, it allows me to get closer to them, and use skillful means to put the dharma in them. There is not only one set uniform way of spreading the dharma. Sometimes we must think of the most unique ways to. In some cases I will even act completely opposite to how I think I should act, but if it lets me get to people, in order to give them some knowledge, its a sacrifice I'm willing to take.

What do you guys do around non-dharma friends? Do you act the same as you do with you dharma friends, or do you change a bit? What do you think about changing yourself a little bit, in order to avoid conflict, and to bring a little dharma to them. Is it worth it?

[tsangpakarpo]

Hmm...interesting thread we have here which got me thinking...

For me it seems like it is the other way around. I have been actively involved in my Dharma Centre recently. I realized I spent most of my time there hence neglecting my friends. Whenever they ring me for drinks or a dinner date, I'd politely reject because 'I am meditating...I am in a meeting with my Dharma buddies...I am in a prayer session...etc'

Opps seems like I am the bad guy here! But honestly, I would rather spend my time doing Dharma work..if anyone tries to stop me from doing so, i'll just say BYEBYE!