Being "un-friended"

[Tammy]

Funny how this happens to you, Hope Rainbow.

Becoming a real Buddhist practitioner means:
1. I priorize my time differently
2. I am making an effort to be NICE to people around me because I want to practice compassion (at least I try!!)
3. I quit chic-lit (haha!! yes I really did.. the last chic-lit i read was at least 3 years ago)
4. I am more relax
5. ......

The list goes on.. but this never stop me from meeting with with friends and have tea.. just that I am very selective about the company. When meeting up with friends, I will always bring in the subject of Buddhism (in a general way, e.g. compassion, helping other, be nice to others) and I find that I ended up being giving advise to their 'problems'

Being a vegetarian also doesnt stop me from having meals with friends and family. I just make sure I order vegetarian stuff and they can eat what they want, doesnt have to be in vegetarian restaurant!!!

Nowadays, my friends (especially those I have not met for more then 2 years) always comment that I look BETTER !! hehehehe...

[ratanasutra]

it never happen with me though, my relationship between me and friends still same even tho i'm not take meat and have less time to meet up with them, instead our relation is closer because i am able to share something with them when they have problem.

if it happen with me ie they anti that i'm vegetarian and not happy that i have less time for meet up with them and they know that i helping in religious organization and they know what the organization benefit other..then  i will just ignore them as they are not a real friend, they just need people that they call 'friend' to fulfil their satify as and when that they wish.. very narrow mind and selfish...so nothing can change their mind when everything around them are alright.. i will be patience to just wait until one day that they have some problem and difficulty and need help.. in that time they will apppreciate and have a different view towards me and religious...

[Q]

I have lost friends that could not stand my involvement with Dharma and "organized religion" and simply decided that I just did not "fit the bill" anymore.
Ciao!
Bye bye!
Asta la vista!

You want to be a practicing Buddhist and you are not free for parties anymore?
You want to be a vegetarian?
You're on your own! Have fun with your "religious" friends!
Off the list!
facebook invented a term for this: "un-friending"

Anyone wants to share about this here?
Did this happen to you?
How did it make you feel?
What train of action did you decide to take over it?

I didn't reach to the extent of loosing friends nor did i have to choose being Buddhist over my friends. Maybe partly is because I never was a major party goer from the first place... but I did loose invitations to many parties nowadays because I'm always busy 'saving the world' as what some of my friends jokingly says.

Also, I'm don't have many friends, I don't believe in friendship that lasts only during a cup of tea. The friends that matters to me generally respect my decisions in life and are rather supportive from time to time. I have never lost touch with them and good friends never cease to support and care for you even if you only get to meet them once a year.

So when it comes to friends, it's never a problem for me. They like me for who I am i suppose... lol!!

However, family is a different story... They are not 100% supportive with me being involved in charity work, which may be tough some times... I am after all a lowly practitioner, and their remarks sometimes do affect my mind. To counter the negative effects of such type of remarks from my family members, I have made up my mind to ensure I will never waver nor give in to their wants, which is to live the life they have moulded for me since I was born. Don't get me wrong... I'm not trying to upset my family, but it is because I know deep down, following the Dharma path is one I will never regret.

[Gypsy]

Very interesting topic. I have few friends have come across this issue of being un-friended merely because they became a vegetarian, some are not because of religion but due to health problem.

Like most of you have said, if our friends "un-friended" just because of we being more involved in religious organization, no time for them, being vegetarian etc, they are not a true friend worth our friendship. Friends are not supposed to dump each other just because we have chosen something that they cannot recognized. Mutual respect is a key to maintain good relationship.

Well, i feel that even though there are friends who "abandon" us for being too involved in spirituality, we shouldn't give up on them although they give up on us in the first place. These people are just blinded by worldly pleasure and too self indulgent which they don't realize what they are pursuing bring them nowhere in the end of the day. They are just obscured. I believe everyone has the merits to meet dharma. 

These are the people we should help by leading as example, we transform ourselves to be better, show them we have made the right choice and we will go all the way. Then when they see our transformation, they will automatically be attracted to us, join us in what we are doing and eventually change their perspective.

[Jessie Fong]

If you have been "un-friended", then in the first place, those people were not your friends to begin with.  To be friend with another person is to be there when that person needs you, to grow together, to understand each other better.

I count my blessings that friends from my childhood days are still with me - walking to school together, playing games and going for outings.  As we grew older, some of us parted ways as we were sent to difference schools.  Much much later, we started to contact each other and are still trying to locate some long lost friends.

There's this girl I met in Year 1, pretty with dimples and curly hair - she became a close friend and now we still keep in touch.

I think you should not just "un-friend" someone because you do not see eye to eye with that person's choice of spirituality or diet.

[kris]

I don't have a lot of friends to start with Anyway, what I mean is, I have quite some friends whom we usually hang out and talked about almost the same thing on a regular basis. We are just chit chat friends, and after the meet ups, Nothing much happens anyway. After gotten into Dharma, I don't hang out with them much, and may be as said, I had been un-friended

I do have a few good friends whom I may not have met up regularly but I know I can count on them when s**t happens. This group of friends know I am involved in Dharma and, without saying much, they gave me support. Though we didn't meet much, we still call up and share a bit of Dharma knowledge and what happened to me in my spiritual journey.

To me, real friend should not "un-friend" us if we are doing something for the benefit of others.

I think friend is not the only thing that is "off the list". Computer gaming is one of my "stuffs" which I let go after involving into Dharma.

[bambi]

This is interesting! Maybe I should check if any of my friends unfriended me, not like I care any way  .

Well, in the time and place we are in, not everyone has the right to religious freedom which is rather sad. I noticed that there are a lot of movies about Christianity and Muslims but so so so little on Buddhism. Well, I still post things about Buddhism on my FB and if they don't like it, I am sorry. Why can you have your say and I can't? Even if they don't unfriend you, they can still hide your posts. Not much difference to me.

Trust me, even my BFF thinks I am different person, like I am in a cult or something... For following Tibetan Buddhism and not eating meat. WHAT?!!? Now it's just friend, no more BFF. And I still don't care.

The 3 jewels are my BFF now. Nothing else matters!

[ilikeshugden]

Do not worry about this "friend". A true friend would not leave you just because of your religious views. If they have other religious views, then it is not your fault for not following their examples. If they unfriend you, at least they can't pressure you into changing your religion. I have had some friends that have decided to challenge me about my religion. I just told them, "If you cannot respect me for what I believe in, then why should I befriend you. You respect me, I respect you!" Some left, some stayed. Those who left had their mind remain closed. Those who stayed became more open in any discussion about religion but we would usually steer away from those discussions. In conclusion, you want to be a real Buddhist? You want be vegetarian? You are not on your own! NEVER! You can still have friends that have the same beliefs as you!

[Jessie Fong]

You are herbivorous / vegetarian and I am not; I am carnivorous? - that does not mean that we cannot be friends.  This is just a matter of choice of food and diet.  It has nothing to do with friendship.  Real friendship will survive such small differences.

What if you have friends from other faiths? Do you "un-friend" them?  What made you become friends in the first place? Did you not know then that they were from other faiths? Why become friends and then break off that beautiful friendship?

Accept your friends as they are and for what they are.

[rossoneri]

Haha... i guessed we all have an experienced to the subject matter somehow. One should not care too much about it.
Perhaps we should do our part by transforming ourselves to be better, sometimes action do speak louder. Eventually they will understand.....I HOPE. To those friends who make such a comment is due to wrong views actually whereby they are being brought up to a non religious country. Religion is treating like a culture more than a practice.

I guessed we are playing an important role here by our friends reacting in this manner. For example: If before we knew Dharma, say we used to party almost every single night with our friends, i would say it is normal for them to react negatively to our after Dharma behavior since we are not prioritizing partying with them anymore. The change is too drastic for them to except. Shouldn't a so call friend of us to be supportive enough in all matters? So i believed Dharma practices really helping us to purify unwanted distractions and in this case is our so called " friend".

[lotus1]

This is really an interesting thread.
Personally, I have been ‘un-friended’ by some friends since I start vegetarian. They would rather not call me out for lunch as they need to find a restaurant that has salad or vegetarian food.
For me, I would think this is natural that friends come and go at different time. It is a phenomenon of impermanent. 
As long as we know what we are doing is in accordance of Dharma & Karma, we should just go all the way. It maybe our friends do not have merits to be near Dharma. We can dedicate merits to them and wish that one day they will have the chance to learn and practise Dharma. 

[sonamdhargey]

I'm experiencing this phenomena as well when I'm a part of a Dharma centre because I used to hang out and party with them and suddenly I'm in Dharma and all this activities stopped and I turned them down most of the time when they invited me for parties not long after that I become a vegetarian and stopped smoking. My friends were shocked because I used to love steaks, pork chops and smoked like a chimney. After a while friends stop inviting me for any occasions because I don't hang out and party anymore like I used to. I'm not that cool person anymore. Well they are still my friends. We just drifted apart because of different interest and so happen my interest is in Dharma. But they did not disapprove me because of my involvement in Dharma but instead do ask me for advise when they are down.

[Aurore]

Hey Hope Rainbow, I can imagine what you mean. Initially the enthusiasm you feel about being a vegetarian and finding a new meaning in life can seem like your life is just revolving around that and nothing else. This can really turn people off. Perhaps your conversation is always about that and that bores your friends and they will also start seeing you as a religious freak.

To me, I guess it's how you go about it. When you first start becoming a vegetarian, you should not really announce it to your friends who may not understand, but slowly introduce to them that you are cutting down meat.

Initially, I had that problem too. So I stopped being anal and just pretend to go with the flow. Eventually, everyone will start accepting that you are still who you are but you have your preference in what you eat and your believes.

On the other hand, it's better to keep a distance from friends who may sway you off dharma in the beginning. Once our minds are more stable, these friends would not be able to influence you in anyway.

[Carpenter]

Being un-friended? Hmm, when I think further, actually it’s our friend who un-friended us (as dharma student) or we in-directly un-friended them first?

Now most of my friend do not call me out anymore, or only once in a very blue moon, but why do they do so? Dharma as a career, it is the same as any other job, we didn’t shave our hair, we didn’t move to the monastery to stay, we still share the same language, so for them, this shouldn’t be the reason to un-friend us.

I think about it again, I trace back how I started, surprisingly, I realize that, initially when they call me out, 5-6 out of 10 times I rejected them, only come out once a while, hence, now they do not really call me out again, or not so much as last time, so to me, this un-friended thing started from my side, what about you all?

[biggyboy]

Personally I have not experienced being “unfriended” because of my principles, belief or religious affiliation. However if my so called friends were to unfriend me because of any of the above, so be it.  They have demonstrated to me that they are not my true friends.  Friendship is where one respecting each other for whoever they are or what they believe in and more importantly to lend support and help in time of need.