WILL WE HAVE REGRETS AND MORE REGRETS !

[KhedrubGyatso]

A group of palliative care doctors (doctors who  specialize in care for the dying, frm illness, old age) recently got together to  compare notes on what their dying patients had shared with them during the course of their many years of professional  service in this field. Although the dying patient would often not express their inner most thoughts to family members, they would often readily share their feelings  to these care  doctors or nurses . Mostly it is about their regrets :
The 5 most common replies were :
a) I wish I’d had live my life true to myself , not the life others expected of me.
Dreams unfulfilled due to choices they had made or not made.
b) I wish I didn’t work so hard. ( mainly from patients who are male breadwinners)
Miss out on joy of children’s growth  and companionship of spouse.
c) I  wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings, say what I want to say.
I should hv said this, I wanted to say that..but did not. Lose opportunity to allow others to understand us and our true feelings/reactions of a situation.. people take us for granted.
d) I wish I had stayed in touch with friends.
Loneliness due to not giving friendships the time and effort they deserved.
e) I wish I had allowed myself to be happier.
Happiness is a choice. Many fool themselves / in denial to project an appearance that they are happy , pretending to themselves and others.
If you are infirmed now as the fateful day draws near,  would you be having the above regrets ? If not , or if there are others not listed here , please share.

[Positive Change]

It is strange how at the time of death, it seems that most people tend to focus on what is NOT important... To put it bluntly, we are dying already why do we need to regret not having lived, or not worked so hard, or expressed more, or stayed in touch with others more or be happier... it is TOO LATE!

Focus on what is ahead and whatever has passed is passed. I believe that is the most crucial time of our existence as it helps propel us into either a better rebirth or not so good one. However that said, the life we lived pre-determines that to begin with, so live a life that is worth reflection on when at the time of death.

Best way to do that is to reflect on death every waking hour and think that is the only absolute truth in our insignificant and fragile life!

[Midakpa]

All the regrets mentioned above are ordinary, mundane regrets experienced by people at the time of death. There is no mention of a regret about not having practiced one's religion well or a regret about not living a more spiritual life, not having prepared for death, etc.  This reflects the society one lives in.  It is a society that focuses on the ordinary, secular existence. It shows how little exposure most people have to spiritual practice. Most importantly, what the survey revealed is that these patients have lived unfulfilled lives. They have unfulfilled desires, a lot of dissatisfaction and regrets.

I think if one prepares for death and knows what to do at the time of death and has no regrets, that is a happy death. So, if I had not prepared for death, say by meditating and doing my practices, then at the time of death, I would regret not having prepared for this day.

[dondrup]

Why do we regret just when we are about to die? Wouldn’t it be better to realize now that upon death it will be too late to do anything about it? If we are merely concerned what were listed as the most common regrets above then even these regrets are meaningless!  Wouldn’t it be more meaningful to regret about not doing something beneficial and virtuous now for future lives' happiness?  Isn’t it pointless to regret about not doing something when we are capable of doing it now?

Hence, doing death meditation frequently or remembering death constantly is so important to remind us of our imminent death! Most people would put off the idea of preparing for death either because they believe that death is still in a distant future or it is a taboo subject to talk about at all. People procrastinate on the most important stage of their life i.e. death and rebirth.  Death is not something that we should worry about.  It is taking an unfortunate and lower rebirth in the next life that we should be concerned with!

[yontenjamyang]

It is the really the sad truth that is reflected in this compilation of notes among these doctors. Sad because of what is stated in the points about regrets; not true ourselves, working too hard and missing the children/spouse's best years, not expressing themselves and so on.

What is even sadder that close to death, most still express self cherishing. Having not doing enough for others, their regrets are mostly centered on themselves out of their current suffering, loneliness, feeling of loss and fear of death. While there are some component of regret about not doing more for others, I doubt that the motivation is really about doing more for others. This is the result of living a selfish and ignorant life; of not doing more for others that cause their loneliness, fear etc and is expressed via regret. So we can see karma in action albeit the negative ones.

If we live a life for others, at the time near death, we would have very little to no regret.  If we live a life for others, we would be content know we have REALLY done our best.

If we are spiritual, even better. Then we know that we have generated merits. We are content if our family and friends do not visit us often, we are content if they do visit us often. We leave behind everything and are ok. we have the insurance of Guru Devotion, merits and what we have done with a spiritually fruitful life. We understood refuge and karma; of contentment and renunciation; and of boddhicitta and wisdom and most important of others. We have confident, joy and we are relax. We look forward to another fruitful life.

That should be our aspiration and may we all engage in the effort for that.

[Tenzin K]

I believe those 5 items mentioned are most of the people feel and could have more but what the point just knowing it. If it’s already at the near end to realize it, do whatever you can to change for better even it just left for an hour to go. What important now is the change of the mind while you still conscious and a live.

Of course if we can realize it as early as possible the better. Don’t wait till you find out when you going to die then only you start to think “What have I done for my life?”….regret for this, regret for that, sorry for this, sorry for that……..and so on……waste of time!

Realize that we are going to die at any point of time. Believe that there are futures live, so we should not waste our time to do good for our future live. Meditate on death, every morning when we open our eyes is an extra day for us to extra meritorious work to gain more merits for our future live.

Nothing is permanent in live. So why waste time look for temporary happiness where you have chase it for so long and it is still falling you for so many time.

[pgdharma]

I feel that it is no point to regret at the time of death as it is too late to change anything. Anyways, the 5 regrets of dying stated here are not that important as all of them only focus on one's attachment and needs. To me it seem meaningless. There was no mention of regret of not living a virtuous and spiritual life. In fact, we should be aware that death can come anytime and we should be prepared for death so that we won't have any regrets at the time of death. Knowing that all worldly attachments come to an end at the time of death, we should start focusing more on our spiritual practice now so that when death comes, we are prepared.

[Jessie Fong]

You are at death's door and still want to talk about regrets, what ifs?  Is that not already too late?  You cannot turn back the clock and undo what you have done nor to do what you would now wish you have done.  There is nothing you can do now.  No point in dwelling ... If I could turn back time.

If you should continue with your list of regrets, it will make you more miserable and won't prepare you for death. 

Death is for certain ... what is uncertain is when will death come?

[ratanasutra]

A few years back i met one guy who nearly die and in the crucial situation he was facing the death he realized that he had wasted his life with hard work to earn lot of money and in the time of death he could not even take single cents with him and not even his body, nothing he can take with him, it only what he did (karma) that follow him.

He is very fortunate to pass through the crucial situation. After he recovered he changed of his point of views and actions. He not cling on to just work and get money. He just works to have money and he engages in Dharma practice and start contribute to charity.

So i will say that regret it doesn't help if you do not thing about it. Regret must be actions follow to bring the opposite result as what we regreted..

If in buddhist path, then you will follow the four component power after you regret it. so regret is just the beginning of it only..

 

[bambi]

How unfortunate for those people who lived their lives like that. Only to realize their loses when death comes knocking on their door. And it's sadder because they do not have Dharma knowledge. Always contemplate on impermanence.

Wake up and think... What virtuous deeds have I done? Always think that death is near so that we can push ourselves to do much more Dharma instead of samsaric activities and negative karma that will follow us in every lives.

Have faith and love for our Guru and protector, Dorje Shugden, for they are the ones who love us and be with us all the way!

[vajraD]

This question is always in my head. I know that doing the things that I’m doing now I’m very happy, is right and I enjoy it very much but because I want other things at the same time I always have regrets within me even what decision were made.

Contemplation after contemplation helps me to walk my path better. Hopefully by the time of death (can be anytime) I’ll have no regret.

We come alone we go alone. But in between the journey there is a lot to be learn. Pursuing full Dharma is good but that does not mean that one can’t have samsaric pleasure.

[valeriecheung]

If someone ask me things i'm regret most, my aswer will be not same from now and years ago. Years back i might breakdown the things i'm regret to and always like to say ' IF '. After i get into more dharma i realized its meaningless to regret. Those people whom always regret usually is a loser or not much achievement in their life or not happy at all especially when someone is dying. We can look back is to improve current situation instead of making the same mistake. So now, i ask myself why should I allow this regret to be happen, because everythings surrounding us is so impermanent and totally based on our karma. Maybe I so scared. Scared to accept my bad karma accumulation many life times ago the effect will die without warning. Sitting there feeling scare is useless, should take immediate action to change own karma by doing works to benefit others and praticing dharma. If failure to do, i believe regret will getting more and more.

[biggyboy]

How many times do we tell or ask our ownselves whom may not have spiritual knowledge that death is very imminent in anyone's life and it could happen to us anytime in our life be it young or old. Even when it was said it will filtered and goes out the another way.  Just like an upside pot.  How else can we help?  But we practise what we have learn and assimilate those teachings into our daily life. Setting an altruistic example for others to follow.

Everyone always think that they will not die that fast whenever we see or hear someone dies whether they are just friends or close to us....never affects many of us..(with no offense to whom may have realise the impermanence of death).  Sitting around thinking there's nothing to do nor know what to do about it is just wasting of time.  Just get our butt up and join in any spiritual classess and practise what is being thought. Just like when we see a doctor, when doctor prescribe a medication, nurses dispense the medication, then it is up to the us to the patient to take the medicine.  How else do you want others to help when we ourselves is not helping ourselves! Get your butt out and take that medicine and help others to find that altruistic happiness.

[jessicajameson]

It's true what every has said! Why regret over mundane things, or even regret at the time of death!

Well, lets flip and take a look at the other side of the coin. If they had done the opposite.

The 5 most common replies were :
a) I wish I’d had live my life true to myself , not the life others expected of me.
Dreams unfulfilled due to choices they had made or not made.
I wish I had been smarter with my decisions, and not spend all those years trying to make it as a ----.
b) I wish I didn’t work so hard. ( mainly from patients who are male breadwinners)
Miss out on joy of children’s growth  and companionship of spouse.
I wish I had worked harder to provide a better lifestyle for my family.
c) I  wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings, say what I want to say.
I should hv said this, I wanted to say that..but did not. Lose opportunity to allow others to understand us and our true feelings/reactions of a situation.. people take us for granted.
I wish I didn't always speak my mind. I may have offended many people.
d) I wish I had stayed in touch with friends.
Loneliness due to not giving friendships the time and effort they deserved.
I wish I had stayed in touch with my family, more than I did with my friends.
e) I wish I had allowed myself to be happier.
Happiness is a choice. Many fool themselves / in denial to project an appearance that they are happy , pretending to themselves and others.
I wish I didn't waste all my time looking for something that will make my happy.


There's no winning if you are going to regret upon your own deathbed. Just regret if you had not spend most of your life doing virtuous deeds that could have collected merits, or purified your negative karma!

[jeremyg]

The Dalai Lama was asked what surprised him most, he said "Man.

Because he sacrifices his health in order to make money.
Then he sacrifices money to recuperate his health.
And then he is so anxious about the future that he does not enjoy the present; the result being that he does not live in the present or the future; he lives as if he is never going to die, and then dies having never really lived."

This quote pretty much sums up the dilemma we all face at death, and the regrets that we have at death. I always like to think that if I died tomorrow, will I be happy with what I have done today, what I have done in the past? or any accomplishments/mis accomplishments I have made. Often the answer is that I would not be happy with what I had/have done. Therefore it takes full effort, to make sure that you have lived life to the fullest. It is not about serving yourself, but serving others. It is hard once stuck in samsara. I have friends who always say I am happy as long as I can do whatever I want, and am happy all the time. But what does it take to be happy all the time. I am sure in the end you end up lonely, lost, and unhappy. Inevitably we are conditioned as humans to always want to better ourselves, and our situation. So it is only human nature to never be happy with what we have, or what we have done. And this makes it very hard to die happy. I am fully confident that practice in the dharma can change all this of course, if someone would like to elaborate on how it does, please do.