Unfortunately anger is a very significant and common trait in human beings. In Buddhism it is known as one of the three poisons. Everybody gets angry and anger when expressed feeds itself rather than exhausts itself. Anger begets anger.
Among some of the more important shifts in perspectives since I started learning the dharma is the notion that I have anger, but I am not my anger. Anger does not and need not define me. And I am not obliged to automatically turn unfavorable situations into intense, unhealthy and negative states of emotions . The key word is "automatically" and I think it is important to recognize how we do not think about and later on decide to unleash our anger. We just became angry. It is an impulse.
But anger should be seen as any other emotion that is not real. It has no substance other than the substance that we feed it. We conditions ourselves to be angry when certain things happen or fail to happen, and therefore if we want to, we can recondition it. And the first thing to do in that reconditioning is to understand that the conditions that arise to make us angry IS our karma and therefore no one else is to be blamed.
Also it is useful to acknowledge that having the state of mind that leads to anger is also our karma.
In both scenarios, we have to accept responsibility instead of focussing the blame on external factors for our anger. Taking responsibility for being in and angry state means that if it is MINE, then it is also MINE TO CHANGE.
I like to share a story that gives us a quick insight as to how anger can be easily defeated:
Once there lived a demon who had a peculiar diet: he fed on the anger of others. And as his feeding ground was the human world, there was no lack of food for him. He found it quite easy to provoke a family quarrel, or national and racial hatred. Even to stir up a war was not very difficult for him. And whenever he succeeded in causing a war, he could properly gorge himself without much further effort; because once a war starts, hate multiplies by its own momentum and affects even normally friendly people. So the demon's food supply became so rich that he sometimes had to restrain himself from over-eating, being content with nibbling just a small piece of resentment found close-by.
But as it often happens with successful people, he became rather overbearing and one day when feeling bored he thought: "Shouldn't I try it with the gods?" On reflection he chose the Heaven of the Thirty-three Deities, ruled by Sakka, Lord of Gods. He knew that only a few of these gods had entirely eliminated the fetters of ill-will and aversion, though they were far above petty and selfish quarrels. So by magic power he transferred himself to that heavenly realm and was lucky enough to come at a time when Sakka the Divine King was absent. There was none in the large audience hall and without much ado the demon seated himself on Sakka's empty throne, waiting quietly for things to happen, which he hoped would bring him a good feed. Soon some of the gods came to the hall and first they could hardly believe their own divine eyes when they saw that ugly demon sitting on the throne, squat and grinning. Having recovered from their shock, they started to shout and lament: "Oh you ugly demon, how can you dare to sit on the throne of our Lord? What utter cheekiness! What a crime! you should be thrown headlong into the hell and straight into a boiling cauldron! You should be quartered alive! Begone! Begone!"
But while the gods were growing more and more angry, the demon was quite pleased because from moment to moment he grew in size, in strength and in power. The anger he absorbed into his system started to ooze from his body as a smoky red-glowing mist. This evil aura kept the gods at a distance and their radiance was dimmed.
Suddenly a bright glow appeared at the other end of the hall and it grew into a dazzling light from which Sakka emerged, the King of Gods. He who had firmly entered the undeflectible Stream that leads Nibbana-wards, was unshaken by what he saw. The smoke-screen created by the gods' anger parted when he slowly and politely approached the usurper of his throne. "Welcome, friend! Please remain seated. I can take another chair. May I offer you the drink of hospitality? Our Amrita is not bad this year. Or do you prefer a stronger brew, the vedic Soma?"
While Sakka spoke these friendly words, the demon rapidly shrank to a diminutive size and finally disappeared, trailing behind a whiff of malodorous smoke which likewise soon dissolved.
— Based on Samyutta Nikaya, Sakka Samyutta, No. 22
