Dharma brothers and sisters, please be kind.

[Dorje Pakmo]

Recently I was thinking a lot about people in the Dharma. In a Dharma centre, we have people from very different background and experience working full time in the name of Dharma. These people chose to leave their normal everyday life to contribute to a bigger cause. That is for the spread of the Dharma and to benefit others or some other similar reasons.  But I can confidently say most people joined the Dharma because they think they hope to become better, bring about some goodness to their own lives and to bring happiness to those around them, especially their own family members.

Doing Dharma work is not something that one can just jump in and be naturally good at. This is because everyone due to their previous habituations, upbringing, and experiences in life has developed many preconceptions about how things should be, or ought to be. Hence, it isn’t an easy thing for a full time Dharma worker to go about executing his / her job everyday because he / she may have to deal with so many people within or without the Dharma. In most Dharma centre, students / full time Dharma workers are taught to transform their mind in perceiving things. This is a process of unlearning previous negative behavior and then relearning behavior and things that will benefit themselves and others.   

While the thoughts of these students / Dharma workers may have changed, bear in mind, that the people they are dealing with, without the Dharma may know nothing or do not even care to know about the Dharma because of their Karma. So, I personally feel it is important to understand why people without the Dharma act the way they do. It is by understanding them and the way they think only we can apply Dharma and hope to change their mind and instill any small amount of goodness into their lives.
 
The reason I am writing this article is because, I personally have noticed many times that some seniors in my own Dharma centre are pushy and rude towards their juniors. From their point of view, they maybe thinking they are “training”, the junior. But a “trained” junior would have developed his mind overtime and start to understand how things work (nobody stay stagnant if they really check their mind and learn). Probably, he / she have changed much and were quietly taking in all the blame and injustice that is served upon him / her. He / She may even feel pitiful for that particular senior for acting the way he /she acts because the junior after some time will know that he / she is already doing his / her very best but it is this senior who go about using every harsh words, actions, behavior and recklessly going around hurting the feelings of those who quietly support them in the name of Dharma, hasn't changed!

Funny isn’t it? That some go around talking and talking Dharma but their actions totally contradicts their words? I personally find it funny and painful at the same time. Remember, the key to Dharma is about kindness and compassion? How to have kindness and compassion and be a good senior, show good examples when you are going around leaving trails of destructions for your junior to clean up and instead of being thankful to your junior, kick and bosses him around?  There is only so much a person can take after some time before they lose hope of their own situation and finally take the “easy” way out. That is in leaving the Dharma centre. They probably may not stop practicing Dharma, but they leave the Dharma centre feeling painful and sad not understanding why they are treated with such manner. They will leave confused, scared and disenchanted thinking they do not have the Karma to do good work. Well, if put in the Dharma term, maybe they really do not have the Karma to do Dharma work hence they leave.
 
I humbly urge every senior no matter which Dharma centre you are in, be kind and understanding to your juniors, after all, we came into the Dharma for the same reason, to become a better person. Support your juniors for their minds are fragile and may not have the knowledge to execute his / her job well. Support them. Show them. Not hurt them. Do not copy what your Lama do and justify your negative actions by saying you are “training”, people. The Lama is a highly attained being with the knowledge and skillful means to help others. You Do Not.The Lama’s scolding is a mantra that purifies the negativities of his disciples. Yours Doesn’t.

Think….
Who is the one that needs transformation badly?

My Lama taught me,
“Mental Unhappiness always comes to us, because we have created anger, fear, and confusion to others.”   

There are reason why people dislike or shun us.
Be aware of your actions. 

[Tenzin K]

Interesting reading this.
Sound just like working in the samsara world but what make the different is the motivation and the dharma knowledge that we learned and put into skillful practice.
How a dharma centre grows beside the lama, I strongly believe on the people that running the centre apply the true dharma teaching that thought by their kind and compassionate lama. For whatever reason it’s not a one person responsibility that able to create the entire disharmony. If one doesn’t follow the teaching correctly it doesn’t mean the rest and if the rest just keep quite or join in the irresponsible act there is where the down fall.

I agree that it’s not easy to work in dharma due to the people that they have to deal which has no or little dharma knowledge. I personally feel that the relationship between dharma brothers and sisters could be better or I should say should be better. This is how it should be encouraging each other and assists each other.

Bottom line, we should be honest & sincere. To deliver dharma at this time is difficult and the lama always find the skillful way consistently. If we are the person that supporting the lama’s work we should act the same to represent our lama well. Whether we are senior or junior we have to be mindful because the important part is the person to be benefitted. Different people react differently and their receptive level varies too. We just need to work out tirelessly to get the ultimate result. 

[Ensapa]

Actually, there could be many possibilities and scenarios that may occur from the whole thing. Not all you see is what it is, especially in an authentic Dharma center where there is an authentic Lama and authentic teachings. How do we know if the teachings is authentic? Very simple. Does the Lama only preach Dharma that is pleasant to the ears and tells the students how nice they are and says everything nice and easy that a lama is expected to say? Or is the Lama harsh and sharp? If the Lama is harsh and sharp, and the students are somewhat unruly but they are honest, you do not feel a sense that they are trying to hide something or trying to pretend to be something they're not, but they dont always act like the way a perfect Buddhist should, then you know that it is the correct center. If the Lama always says pleasant words, and the students always appear to be perfect and try hard to do so even though everything else they are doing and saying indicates the opposite, how can Dharma be based on deception?

In some cases, some seniors are harsh to the juniors, because usually the real Dharma centers will attract difficult people and we do not know what have the juniors have done and that they needed to be treated in this way so that they will actually improve. Sometimes harsh treatment is necessary so that the said person grows and improves. Of course, there are exceptions to this, when the senior actually has a malicious intent of defaming the junior so that they dont get close to the Guru out of jealousy (also can be quite obvious at times) but in general, looking at the intent of the seniors is very important on how they handle the juniors. If they treat the junior harshly but speak of the junior in a loving tone behind the junior's back, you can tell that they truly care, but if they speak negatively, you know what is going on. Everything is on a case-by case basis so judging can be quite pointless in these instances.

[Tammy]

Dear Ensapa,

In some centers, too many seniors think and act as though they are the guru. Dispensing doses of wrathfullness to juniors. A lot of times, we see this happening in public!!!

No matter what the intention, this is NOT acceptable as we should respect each and every individuals. No one is perfect, to point out each others' weakness in the hope that we would all deepen our dharma knowledge and interns of spirituality is vital. But it should be done skillfully! No one likes to be humiliated publicly!! There are just too many ways to skin a cat, why must it be hash, rude and use sharp words all the time?

Who likes to walk into an environment with sour faces all the time? Especially a dharma centre which is suppose to comfort our mind.

A wrathful guru is able to use his wrath skillfully to helpl his students in mind tranformation. No real guru would humiliate his students publicly; yelling (if situation warrants) always happen during private/closed door session with very limited participants.

When juniors are always treated with rudeness and shouted at publicly, guess what image would this reflect of the centre? Would there be more new comers who made this their spiritual home? I sincerely doubt so!! Why am I not surprise these type of dharma centers would not last long.

LET'S PRAY For HARMONY..

[Ensapa]

Dear Ensapa,

In some centers, too many seniors think and act as though they are the guru. Dispensing doses of wrathfullness to juniors. A lot of times, we see this happening in public!!!
Seniors have a duty to guide the junior, sometimes the situation demands wrathfulness, but if the seniors could have act in a more graceful way and they did not, then it is a very bad example to juniors and outsiders. Wrathful ways should always stay behind closed doors and not in public view. As it says in the 50 verses:

44. Be diligent in all your actions, (alert and) mindful never to forget (your word of honour). If fellow-disciples transgress (what is proper) in their behaviour, correct each other in a friendly manner.


No matter what the intention, this is NOT acceptable as we should respect each and every individuals. No one is perfect, to point out each others' weakness in the hope that we would all deepen our dharma knowledge and interns of spirituality is vital. But it should be done skillfully! No one likes to be humiliated publicly!! There are just too many ways to skin a cat, why must it be hash, rude and use sharp words all the time?
If it is all the time, in any situation, that is not proper. It goes against Guru devotion itself. How can one see oneself as the Guru when sharing, nurturing or guiding juniors? That is a complete destruction of Guru samaya.

Who likes to walk into an environment with sour faces all the time? Especially a dharma centre which is suppose to comfort our mind.

A wrathful guru is able to use his wrath skillfully to helpl his students in mind tranformation. No real guru would humiliate his students publicly; yelling (if situation warrants) always happen during private/closed door session with very limited participants.
The Guru never shows his wrath to his students in public because it is a bad example. Students should be more mindful to think twice about the consequences of their actions, rather than feeding their superiority complex.

When juniors are always treated with rudeness and shouted at publicly, guess what image would this reflect of the centre? Would there be more new comers who made this their spiritual home? I sincerely doubt so!! Why am I not surprise these type of dharma centers would not last long.
It will affect the juniors negatively as well.
LET'S PRAY For HARMONY..

I also found this quote by Kalu Rinpoche on samaya. I find it very apt to remind everyone that if we are nasty towards our Dharma brothers and sisters, we break our samaya. Why? it is the same as undermining our Guru. Its the same as saying that his teaching methods have failed. At the same time, it also shows how much we love our egos to the point that we use our Dharma home to enable it while simultaneously showing a bad example to everyone around, directly implying that our Guru did not do a good job in educating us.

He might not be a Gelug, but samaya is samaya.

What is samaya?

The prayers we read are not samaya. The mantras we count are not samaya. They are simply reminders of our samaya.

You might read the text and then treat your teachers and vajra brothers and sisters with lack of respect.

Samaya is to keep the meaning of Dharma in our heart, to maintain a purity of love and trust in our teacher, in the teaching and in our vajra brothers and sisters.

And always to do what we can to benefit others.

[tsangpakarpo]

I agree with what Dorje Pakmo said. We have to remember, everyone comes to a Dharma Center with their own sets of problems, even ourselves. So when we keep this in mind all the time, we will come to realise that we are not above anyone even if we hold a higher position in the center. Ultimately, we all go to a Dharma Center to seek solace and to cultivate the caring, compassionate side of us.

Whatever disagreements we have in a Dharma Center, we should not let it hinder us performing our 'jobs' well. For a Dharma Center to grow, the utmost important element is HARMONY. Only when we can work together, we will achieve greater heights. But I do admit, some people will need a little push to do their work well. So if there is a need to raise our voices or the sorts, we should do so with a motivation that we are doing it for the betterment of the other person and not to merely put them down.

Our motivation speaks a thousand words and the right motivation will help us gain tremendously merits. This is why, whatever actions we take, we must first check our motivation. Are we doing it for our personal gain or for the benefit of others?

[sonamdhargey]

Practicing humility is the best way to train your juniors in your Dharma centre. Why? Humility eliminates the EGO to wanting to use secular means to control and train difficult students. With kindness and care, patience given to the juniors, the juniors will grow to be kind, patience and caring in the future. If we keep using harsh means like talking down, arrogance, shouting, mind games, waiting for them to make mistakes and then jump on them and other secular ways to train juniors like training corporate staff, the juniors you trained will end up delusional or maybe become an anger some, impatience always harsh to others because they were thought to be like that. So what's the point of preaching Buddhism when our actions contradicts the core teachings of Buddhism of compassion, kindness and care?

I do hear some people say "my motivation is purely to benefit and help that person" therefore when i shout, say harsh words, being nasty is purely to benefit them. Really? How can the motivation be pure when the motivation is filled with anger?

[WisdomBeing]

i am not a member of any Dharma centre so i don't have much to add to this except that i'm surprised that Dorje Pakmo is saying that this kind of thing is happening in her centre which has a Lama present. i would have thought that the Lama would ensure that the seniors behave themselves in the appropriate manner.

I always contemplate on the Dalai Lama’s quote: Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible.


In any case, i happened to be reading the 50 stanzas of Guru Devotion last week (http://www.bodhicitta.net/FIFTY%20STANZAS%20OF%20GURU%20DEVOTION.htm) and i would just like to draw attention to stanza 44, which I happen to agree with wholeheartedly:

44. Be diligent in all your actions, (alert and ) mindful never to forget (your word of honor). If fellow-disciples transgress, correct each other in a friendly manner.

All disciples who receive tantric empowerment from the same Guru become "vajra" brother and sisters. You should have great affection and regard among you, helping each other stay on the path. Never be jealous, proud or compete with your fellow disciples. By correcting each other you please your Guru and everyone benefits. If there is unity and harmony among Dharma friends, this will spread into the lives of others around you.

[Ensapa]

Practicing humility is the best way to train your juniors in your Dharma centre. Why? Humility eliminates the EGO to wanting to use secular means to control and train difficult students. With kindness and care, patience given to the juniors, the juniors will grow to be kind, patience and caring in the future. If we keep using harsh means like talking down, arrogance, shouting, mind games, waiting for them to make mistakes and then jump on them and other secular ways to train juniors like training corporate staff, the juniors you trained will end up delusional or maybe become an anger some, impatience always harsh to others because they were thought to be like that. So what's the point of preaching Buddhism when our actions contradicts the core teachings of Buddhism of compassion, kindness and care?
You dont even need to be Buddhist to know that negative reinforcement cannot possibly bring results or benefit people in any way. There are so many studies on this subject where parents who use harsh words against their children bring more negative results than positive. Similarly, there is no reason for us to scold someone that we care about unless ordinary methods no longer work for them. But that too is on a case-by- case basis and depends on situation as well. It cannot possibly be all the time, and after the scolding, if the senior treats the junior coldly and without an iota of friendship or care, what else can the intention be than to put down the junior?

I do hear some people say "my motivation is purely to benefit and help that person" therefore when i shout, say harsh words, being nasty is purely to benefit them. Really? How can the motivation be pure when the motivation is filled with anger?
Why cant people check the results? If the motivation was correct, the junior would not have ended up feeling down or hurt. He or she would have improved in their behavior, attitude and actions. People are not dumb....telling a junior off with the right or wrong intonation can make a huge difference. If the junior ends up feeling hurt, dejected, lost, alone or even leave the center and the Guru, what good motivation is that?

I have seen seniors that make excuses when they lose their temper at their juniors, like what you have said, and i have seen juniors leaving and instead of being regretful of their conduct, the seniors say that the juniors lack the merits to remain. What merits?! If you handled the junior better, they would have remained. If they were treated well and yet chose to leave, then it is their lack of merits, but if it was the former, I dont think so.

[brian]

Dear Ensapa,

In some centers, too many seniors think and act as though they are the guru. Dispensing doses of wrathfullness to juniors. A lot of times, we see this happening in public!!!

No matter what the intention, this is NOT acceptable as we should respect each and every individuals. No one is perfect, to point out each others' weakness in the hope that we would all deepen our dharma knowledge and interns of spirituality is vital. But it should be done skillfully! No one likes to be humiliated publicly!! There are just too many ways to skin a cat, why must it be hash, rude and use sharp words all the time?

Who likes to walk into an environment with sour faces all the time? Especially a dharma centre which is suppose to comfort our mind.

A wrathful guru is able to use his wrath skillfully to helpl his students in mind tranformation. No real guru would humiliate his students publicly; yelling (if situation warrants) always happen during private/closed door session with very limited participants.

When juniors are always treated with rudeness and shouted at publicly, guess what image would this reflect of the centre? Would there be more new comers who made this their spiritual home? I sincerely doubt so!! Why am I not surprise these type of dharma centers would not last long.

LET'S PRAY For HARMONY..

Tammy has a point here, i do believe Harmony in a center should always be carefully maintained and yes maybe there are some members who came in to the center with their bad habits but they thoroughly do not deserve. Maybe a talk over a dinner to point out some negative points in the person instead of lashing onto the person. This might be of good intention but it may backfire and certainly hurting others' feelings is not a Buddhist practice isn't it. The keyword is being harmony here. If we have the sort of patience and really have the motivation to help the person, we won't want to hurt his/her feelings right? Confront in a polite way perhaps...

[Jessie Fong]

The Dalai Lama once said that his religion is KINDNESS.

In a dharma centre, there is bound to be a lot of bickering and unwanted scenarios, just as in any corporate office.  But if harmony cannot be maintained, this casts a negative energy to the people in the centre and those around them. 

Sad to hear that there are people out there who lash out on their juniors who may not understand nor accept such mode of criticism.

Yes there are people who bring along their baggage of bad habits but we also came with ours.  We need to dispose of those and so do they.  I guess that's mainly the reason why we all meet up at our dharma centre.

[dondrup]

I fully agree with what Dorje Pakmo had written. Thank You for being so thoughtful and kind to all fellow practitioners who may be or are going through or had gone through some rough times in the course of their Dharma work. 

In samsara, it is inevitable that we will meet persons, events or things that we dislike. This happens even in a Dharma Centre!  It is not easy to practise skillful means when we lack the wisdom and compassion.  The method we use may have caused more harm than to benefit our Dharma brothers and sisters. Hence, everyone - seniors or juniors alike - must have due considerations for others.  Exercise patience when we deal with our Dharma brothers and sisters.  Step in the shoes of our Dharma brothers and sisters to experience their predicament or whatever it is troubling them.   

Our fellow Dharma brothers and sisters are part of others! Without others we can’t practise mind transformation.  We depend on others to give us liberation and enlightenment!   

[Benny]

I totally agree with Dorje Pakmo and the others on this issue. Very simply put , why call or even use the term Dharma Brothers and Sisters ? When we cant be kind and understanding towards your own Dharma " family " how can we ever be kind to other sentient beings who are not from that family ? Who in the world wants to be part of a " FAMILY " that is unkind and quarrelsome ?!

I personally think that the saying " Charity should begin at home " applies here perfectly. However , i am sure some would argue that they subscribe to the belief that " I have to hurt you because I love you " or because i care ......sorry i think that is a load of crap.

Did you ever hear of Jesus being unkind because he loved his flock ? Even in Tibetan Buddhism , no one would actually dare to say that " wraftful " means is THE ONLY means to preach Dharma. So why cause hurt and indirect harm to those who are also on the same path and journey towards enlightenment. Dont forget that you are also a traveller on this journey ! Please practice what you preach lest you loose your direction and remember karma is omnipotent. And we are not even asking them to " LOVE THY ENEMY " yet .......

[diamond girl]

What I seem to understand here is an under current misgiving of people. I can sense a "wrong view" of what is expected from Dharma. There seems to be this expectation that Dharma people are all enlightened and pure kindness oozing our from every pore. Yes, eventually Dharma values should be embraced by all in the Dharma so that the teachings of the Dharma can transcend to others through our being and compassionate nature.

But we all travel a spiritual journey of learning, change, breakdowns, disappointments, etc etc etc. And everyone will travel this journey at a different pace. So when we start to label senior and junior we are adding on the "expectations" of one another. Then we add on more grievances. I understand the grievances raised here on this thread but what I am saying is have you asked yourself, "How am I responsible that someone will shout at me like this?" Let's forget Dharma for a second. Reflect deeper, before even joining any centre, "Did people shout at you before? Your mother, friends, teachers, etc?" Is there a pattern here on where you always end up? Angry, distorted and hurt? Again, I say leave the Dharma out. Reflect on your life and the results till now.

When you are in the Dharma, everything is magnified - flaws and strengths - of course flaws will be more painful, it always is. They explained to me that it is purification. Now, if I put that big word out of the equation, I would say it is a exercise like a preliminary before the big MIND TRANSFORMATION. How do we transform when we are not aware or not facing ourselves? This is why things are magnified in Dharma, so that we see faster and progress to change. This will also happen outside of Dharma, perhaps slower. I give you an example,
You get fired from your job.
You develop either a defensive or pathetic attitude - The company is stupid or I am not good enough
You carry this attitude to your next job. Guess what? You WILL be fired again. Then the attitude fortifies. And the cycle continues....

My point is, shit happens and always someone else is to be blamed. I ask you to stop, reflect and choose to not think how you are thinking and try a new thought.

So, you have a senior who is real harsh, unkind, cruel, bossy etc - basically you have described your living nightmare - if you keep having these thoughts how will it serve you? What if you look at this "senior" and say to yourself - He/She is human thus far from perfect. I am human and also far from perfect. We are both on the same boat. If he/she can't show me compassion for now, let me show him/her first. Don't take too heart all the harshness, think that maybe he/she is struggling too. Trust me, no one enjoys being angry and cruel there is something called a conscience whether or not they show it.

Life is very short. And there is no stipulated time when we will expire and the lights go out. So if you are faced up against a person from "hell", take him/her as your best teacher. And remember, as you complain about your "senior", you are doing exactly the same as him/her, the difference is you are the "junior" - result is same - No Harmony. Again, take the Dharma out of this context because as long as your are complaining you are NOT practising Dharma. So please let's not contaminate the Dharma. Stop complaining and take a different view to accept the challenge that Life is a Bitch and your senior is your current bitch... Develop compassion and learn from this. If you can accept your senior as he/she is and stop complaining, then we put Dharma back into this conversation...

[Manjushri]

Though I don't have a centre myself, what I see transgressing is a situation similar to the corporate world. The fact that most Dharma Centres are run by lay people, there is bound to be the hierarchial standards between the people in the Dharma Centre.. as with any business, there always needs to be a leader so that the business, or in this case, the center will grow but that should not be a issue here.

If individuals within the center are always going to compare amongst each other or get offended as to why they get screamed at this and that, then what's the point of being in a Dharma center. In Dharma you are meant to accept, humble yourself, see yourself as the lowest of all and treat others as your guru (as per the 8 verses to thought transformation). Anyways, if you perform, have results, do what you are supposed to do, then I am pretty sure your "superior" or "senior" wouldn't raise their voices at you. It is when you lack results then your seniors usually voice our their discontent. I mean, if there's nothing wrong with you and the results you are producing, then the seniors wouldn't say anything..You think they really want to meddle in your case and be breathing down your neck? I mean, results shut people up. If there's no reason to shout, generally I think people wouldn't.

Look, coming into a Dharma center doesn't mean that you're a totally different person within the snap of a finger. Coming into a Dharma center doesn't mean that you are any better from the person you were before the Dharma Center, it ain't going to solve your problems overnight. You come in as who you are with or without the Dharma. If prior to the Dharma center your boss always scolds and picks on you, then after awhile, I think it is quite obvious that you are the problem, not them. So coming into a Dharma center and the same person still gets told off, then the fault doesn't lie on the other party but you.

I guess your motivation in doing Dharma is also of importance. If you look deeper at what you are being told off for and you see room for improvement, you should rejoice someone is teaching you. If the person teaching you doesn't act according to what they preach, then you show them kindness and improve yourself so that in future, they cannot pick on you for the same thing. Eventually, they will catch on and voila, through your own transformation, you help someone else.

Ultimately, if you have something to pick on, then be prepared.