Dealing with Critical people

[sonamdhargey]

Have you come cross people who always critical about everything you said or you do or about anything and everything? Critical people are emotionally stingy, because they are so bent on harping on ”faults” and what’s not there. They seem to have an automatic filter which mentally blocks everything that is good.

Here is a story to help with the encounter with these type of people:

"Buddha was well known for his ability to respond to evil with good.  There was a man who knew about his reputation and he traveled miles and miles and miles to test Buddha. When he arrived and stood before Buddha, he verbally abused him constantly; he insulted him; he challenged him; he did everything he could to offend Buddha.
Buddha was unmoved, he simply turned to the man and said, “May I ask you a question?”
The man responded with, “Well, what?”
Buddha said, “If someone offers you a gift and you decline to accept it, to whom then does it belong?”
The man said, “Then it belongs to the person who offered it.”
Buddha smiled, “That is correct.  So if I decline to accept your abuse, does it not then still belong to you?”
The man was speechless and walked away".

The moral of the story is when we want to criticise, let's check ourselves first before criticising others.

What are your opinions?

[bambi]

I am not as wise as the Buddha so I will surely use this quote the next time someone says something negative about what I do. I do have friends who always have ill feelings towards Tibetan Buddhism. They always think that it a some sort of cult.    If it is a cult, I doubt there will be so many people around the world practicing it. There is this particular friend who always find faults in whatever I do. And yes, I use my automatic filter to mentally block what he says instead. I choose to ignore and forgive because there is no point explaining and letting these people create more negative karma. He always think what he says or do are correct but he have no idea how people think of him. So just accept the way these people think and move on as they will bring us down with their negativities...

[Q]

I met someone like that today, yesterday, the day before that, and the day before that... etc

We will always meet people like this. Sometimes, even those who come across the Dharma, it is not through their good fortune to meet the Dharma but their negative karma... with this negative karma, they begin criticizing the Dharma, causing schism, causing harm to Dharma practitioners... etc... all of this I believe is karma manifesting in several ways, making one meet the Dharma only to create more negative karma for themselves to be far away from the teachings.

Sonamdhargey, thank you for the story. It truly show that keeping silent towards people such as this is truly the best way to deal with things, not everything or every time we should be verbal... after all, actions is what matters and with time people will realize.

However, the ending of the story shows that the man went away, and obviously I'm sure he received much blessings to actually meet the Buddha in person, but the Buddha himself did not preach the Dharma to him, except for the one liner that made the man think. Is it because the man himself do not have the karma to pursue a spiritual path even after meeting the Buddha? What do you think?

[buddhalovely]

It’s important to get an accurate read on a situation to decide the best way to respond. There’s a big difference between constructive criticism from someone who loves you and getting bashed by someone who is out to discredit you and hurt your feelings. You’ll need to get some objectivity before deciding whether it’s right to speak up or let it go.

Pressure can build when you don’t acknowledge what’s bothering you. When someone hurts you, especially someone close to you, you may stuff your feelings below the surface to avoid a confrontation. But your feelings are a key part of your internal guidance system—they warn you when something is wrong. By ignoring feelings, you create a larger problem to deal with later. By accepting the messages they bring, you’ll be able to deal more effectively with issues from the start.

You get to choose who and what you will tolerate in your life. If you are in a personal or working relationship with someone who tries to whittle away your self-esteem by constantly judging and belittling you, you owe it to yourself to create boundaries and to tell that person how you feel when that happens. It’s important for your well-being to remove yourself from that toxic energy. It can weigh you down, stunt your creativity, and make you feel depressed or sick.

The people in our lives—at home, at work, or in line at the grocery store—are often our mirrors. They reflect back the impact of our words and actions. Another’s words, though harsh or spiteful, can awaken us to an aspect of our own behavior we have refused to own up to. Although criticism can be hard to take, you can benefit from it by looking for the nugget of truth embedded in a painful situation.

When someone spreads dangerous rumors or lies that jeopardize your job or an important relationship, you can’t ignore it. This is not the time to chatter behind closed doors with friends or wring your hands with worry. This is a time for positive action. Don’t blame or shame the judgers by calling them names. Instead, focus on finding resolution by clearing inaccuracies in the sabotaging statements. There may be real misunderstandings that you now have the opportunity to clear up with facts. For example, actress Jane Fonda started her own blog to address the many rumors that swirl around her.

[sonamdhargey]

" The problem with paying too much attention to our emotional states is that we reinforce them by treating them as though they are real....If we practice from that place we create even more obstacles for ourselves ".

Tsochen Khandro Rinpoche.

[Tenzin Malgyur]

Very agreeable to the moral of the story. We should always check ourselves before giving others a bad comment. At the same time, we should always look for the good points in others, it is definitely more pleasant for both the giver and the receiver. It is so sad to note that in our everyday lives, we come across many people who is very quick to pass judgements on to others. People who always criticize what others say or do because they feel they can put other people down. It shows how attached they are to always wanting to be right.

[Jessie Fong]

Very agreeable to the moral of the story. We should always check ourselves before giving others a bad comment. At the same time, we should always look for the good points in others, it is definitely more pleasant for both the giver and the receiver. It is so sad to note that in our everyday lives, we come across many people who is very quick to pass judgements on to others. People who always criticize what others say or do because they feel they can put other people down. It shows how attached they are to always wanting to be right.

Yes, we should look for the good point of others, for it is so often that we usually look at the bad points and we become critical of others.   Times when our criticism is rather hurtful, it does not help the other person to improve.  There is no constructive criticism offered.  More often than not, we are faster to give criticism than to offer praises.

[RedLantern]

Dealing with critical people can be incredibly difficult.Many people do this on a daily basis.
How do we deal with these people?
Sometimes it is essential just to simply ignore them.If we listen to it everyday,we might go insane.When dealing with people who are overly critical it is best  to simply ignore their critical comments.
Sometimes it is better to walk away.If we allow this people to anger us,we lose the ability to objectively think and respond in the right manner.Retaliation and revenge will bring negative results.Criticism is a fact of life but  overcoming criticism is another part of life.

[Rihanna]

I found this by chance. It is written by Tejvan Pettinger who works as a teacher in Oxford. In his spare time he enjoys writing on topics of self-improvement, meditation and productivity. He writes a blog on meditation and self improvement called Sri Chinmoy Inspiration.

Nobody likes being criticised but, unfortunately it is a fact of life. To be able to respond to criticism with nobility and detachment is an important life skill, which few people have. If we respond to criticism without careful consideration, it can easily lead to unnecessary suffering.

1. What Can I Learn from Criticism?

Most criticism is probably based, at least in part, on some truths. Criticism may appear negative. But, through criticism we have the opportunity to learn and improve from their suggestions.

2. Respond to the suggestions not the tone of the criticism.

The problem is that people may make valuable critical suggestions. However, there tone and style of criticism means that we respond not to the suggestions but remember there confrontational manner. In this respect we need to separate the criticism from the style of criticism. Even if people speak in a tone of anger, we should try to detach their emotion from the useful suggestions which lie underneath.

3. Value criticism.

The problems is that quite often, we only value praise. When people speak kind words we feel happy. When people criticise we feel miserable. However, if we only received insincere praise and false flattery, how would we ever make progress? If we wish to improve and develop we should invite constructive criticism and appreciate their suggestions.

4. Don’t take it personally.

This is often the biggest problem which occurs with regard to criticism. If I criticise my Mother’s cooking, she feels personally offended. But, it is a mistake to identify ourselves with an apple pie. Somebody may find good reasons why our cooking is bad; but, this does not mean they are criticising ourselves. When people criticise us directly, we should feel they are not criticising our real self; but, just an unillumined aspect of ourselves. When we criticise others, we are perhaps criticising their pride or jealousy; but, the jealousy is a mere passing emotion, it is not the real person.

5. Ignore False Criticism.

Sometimes we are criticised with no justification. This is a painful experience. But, potentially we can deal with it more easily than criticism which is justified. One option is to remain aloof and ignore it completely. We should feel that false criticism is as insignificant as an ant trying to harm an elephant. If we remain silent and detached the criticism is given no energy. If we feel the necessity of fighting it – in a way, we give it more importance than it deserves. By remaining silent we maintain a dignity that others will come to respect.

6. Don’t Respond Immediately

It is best to wait a little before responding. If we respond with feelings of anger or injured pride we will soon regret it. If we wait patiently it can enable us to reflect in a calmer way.

7. Smile

Smiling, even a false smile, can helps us to relax more. It creates a more positive vibration and smoothes the situation. It will definitely help psychologically. Smiling will motivate the other person to moderate their approach.

[ratanasutra]

Thanks sonamdhargey for the story. As we have to deal with people surround us everyday so i don't think we could avoid from criticism. But how to deal with it, this is importance.

I found the quote below which I think is make sense and I will remember it when I get criticism from others, coin have two sides so there might be some thing we can learn from criticism. Let be positive..

Be open to criticism but don't be affected by it.
Criticism is meant to help you be a better person
Learn from it ...



 

[pgdharma]

Critical people can be real downers, they dampened our day. No matter what we say, they always find some way to derail the mood of the conversation. They don’t give compliment or encouragement. Critical people are emotionally stingy, because they are so bent on harping on” flaws rather than giving praise.

My opinion is that that to take it personally because most of the times, their criticisms reflect more about themselves than about us. So the next time I face this type of people I know which line to use. I will ask them this, “If someone offers you a gift and you decline to accept it, to whom then does it belong?” I like this line.

Thank you, sonamdhargey, for sharing this story.

[Ensapa]

Personally, critical people can help a lot  to improve ourselves if we take their criticism the right way. For me, if i receive criticism, it means that whatever i did  made an impact, either in a good or bad way, but it still is an impact and i just have to improve myself to the next level with it. There is really nothing too harsh about this, really. Criticisms are empty words when we know that it came from a source that is not reliable, if they are empty words, why should they bother us? So in some way, criticism can help us out in a spiritual way to tune our mind to focus on more important things: if it is about something substantial about ourselves then its good to pay attention to and rectify that in us, but if it's not then we have to train our mind to tune out the negativities. This is how i feel on how we should deal with criticism anyway.

[dondrup]

Lord Buddha gave a perfect and brilliant answer to counter the abuse!

Yes, everyone is an expert in finding faults in others.  That includes yours truly!  Why is that so?  The reason is simple.  Unless we are totally familiar with the faults that we find in others, we would not have criticized others for their faults!  We are the Dharma Mirror for the faults we find in others.  Those people who like to criticize do it spontaneously without realizing the hurt and damage that they are inflicting onto others!  These people do not realize that no one is perfect including themselves!   Perhaps the reasons for their behavior are their lack of self-confidence and dignity or their inferiority!  They criticize because they want to project the image that they are better than others!

Constructive criticism is a different story altogether.  Constructive criticism helps us to improve ourselves further.  In fact growth and improvements come from feedback and constructive criticism.  Before we criticize, we should check whether our criticism is really constructive and beneficial.  Otherwise our criticism merely nourishes our ego and creates more negative speech karmas for us!

[Aurore]

I see the moral of the story like this. When someone abuses me but I do not let it affect me or take it to heart, it only affects the person giving the abuse. Abuse was represented by the gift, accepting the abuse is to accept the gift. The abuse stays with the abuser and the karma ends there. By reacting, we only allow the person to further increase the negative action.

What is abusive in this story is the insults, offensive comments and verbal abuse is deliberate to hurt.
To me, this can be very different from being critical. Criticism, if done constructively or with good motivation can actually be productive and helpful to the person being criticized.

Of course there are people who constantly critical of other people and seem unable to make allowances for even the smallest of “faults”. This kind of criticism is destructive, both to the person it is aimed at and to the person who is doing the criticizing. We can't stop them but we can learn to not be affected by it.