Expectations

[sonamdhargey]

"We don't turn away from sentient beings because we think they are stupid or ridiculous, rather we turn away from our preconceptions that create a multitude of problems with other sentient beings.
We stop expecting them to fulfill all our needs.
We stop expecting them to be perfect.
Then we can start accepting people for what they are at any particular moment, knowing that they'll change in the next moment. It's a difficult practice, but that's the way to have peaceful relationships. "

How to Free Your Mind - Tara the Liberator - by Venerable Thubten Chodron

[buddhalovely]

Well, this is best explained within the four noble truths:

The first sermon that the Buddha preached after his enlightenment was about the four noble truths. The first noble truth is that life is frustrating and painful. In fact, if we are honest with ourselves, there are times when it is downright miserable. Things may be fine with us, at the moment, but, if we look around, we see other people in the most appalling condition, children starving, terrorism, hatred, wars, intolerance, people being tortured and we get a sort of queasy feeling whenever we think about the world situation in even the most casual way. We, ourselves, will some day grow old, get sick and eventually die. No matter how we try to avoid it, some day we are going to die. Even though we try to avoid thinking about it, there are constant reminders that it is true.

The second noble truth is that suffering has a cause. We suffer because we are constantly struggling to survive. We are constantly trying to prove our existence. We may be extremely humble and self-deprecating, but even that is an attempt to define ourselves. We are defined by our humility. The harder we struggle to establish ourselves and our relationships, the more painful our experience becomes.

The third noble truth is that the cause of suffering can be ended. Our struggle to survive, our effort to prove ourselves and solidify our relationships is unnecessary. We, and the world, can get along quite comfortably without all our unnecessary posturing. We could just be a simple, direct and straight-forward person. We could form a simple relationship with our world, our coffee, spouse and friend. We do this by abandoning our expectations about how we think things should be.

This is the fourth noble truth: the way, or path to end the cause of suffering. The central theme of this way is meditation. Meditation, here, means the practice of mindfulness/awareness, shamata/vipashyana in Sanskrit. We practice being mindful of all the things that we use to torture ourselves with. We become mindful by abandoning our expectations about the way we think things should be and, out of our mindfulness, we begin to develop awareness about the way things really are. We begin to develop the insight that things are really quite simple, that we can handle ourselves, and our relationships, very well as soon as we stop being so manipulative and complex.

[vajratruth]

The Ven. Thubten Chodron summarizes one of my very first lessons in Buddhism, that is how we actually create our own dissatisfaction and unhappiness by projecting our expectations unto others around us and unto everything around us. We have very fixed ideas of how things and people should be and we exhaust ourselves trying to achieve that ideal not realizing that it is impossible because nothing stays static and permanent. All the time, we focus outwards and we similarly throws the responsibility of making us happy outwards, onto other people and situation. The key is to change our perspectives even as we let go of our expectations and accept that

Here is Zen story that well describes our folly in expecting the world to fit into our ideals and the need to let go before we find contentment:

As two monks were walking down the road they noticed a woman waiting to cross a stream. To the dismay of one monk, the other monk went over to the woman, picked her up, and carried her across the stream. About a mile down the road, the monk who was aghast at his friend’s action remarked, “We are celibate, we are not supposed to even look at a woman, let alone pick one up and carry her across a stream. How could you possibly do that?” The other Monk replied, “I put the woman down a mile back. Why are you still carrying her around with you?”

[dondrup]

Expectation is based on our preconceived ideas of what objects, things or phenomena should be.  Our expectation or projection is due to our past conditioning.  Hence everyone perceives objects, things or phenomena differently.  Our expectation and projection give rise to pleasant or unpleasant experiences.  Or we could be indifferent about these.  We should accept objects as they are because they are not inherently pleasant or inherently unpleasant.  The quality of the objects changes from moment to moment depending on our perception.   From their own sides or objects’ point of view, it does not matter to the objects how we perceive them to be.  From the subject’s point of view, we can determine the way we experience the objects by changing our expectation.  Hence we can always develop peaceful relationships with others by changing our expectation of others.

[DSFriend]

I like to think there are constructive and destructive effects with all phenomenon that we come in contact with.

However, due to the three poisons at work arising from ignorance, desire is guaranteed to take us on a bad, bumpy ride. As long as the three poisons are at work, we will continue to chase after our own tails and left totally dissatisfied, unfulfilled, expectations not met.

It can never be met because what we are chasing after does not have in itself the elements required to give us lasting happiness. We create our own stage each day, project the storyline of what each character should do only to be disappointed again and again because the props will never "live up" to our projection.

Get rid of the three poisons. Get rid of wrong projections. Start by being aware of their nature and how they work to trick us again and again.

[Tenzin K]

“The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.” ~Samuel Johnson

Some people say there’s no such thing as a selfless act—that any time we do something to help another person, we get something in return, even if it’s just a warm fuzzy feeling.

I’ve spent a lot of time playing with this idea in my head. It doesn’t really bother me to know it feels good to help someone else. That, to me, is a completely acceptable type of selfishness. What give me cause for concern are the underlying expectations we often have when we give “selflessly.”

We’ve all been there. You cover for your coworker because you know you’ll need her assistance next month. You give your sister $20, and then silently look for ways she can pay you back, even if not monetarily. You help your friend get leads for a job, and then feel angry when she isn’t as proactive in offering you support.

I’ve found that these expectations cause more stress than joy. They mar the act of giving, which makes me feel slightly guilty; they lead to disappointment if the person I helped doesn’t return the kindness; and they tie my intentions to an internal score card, which places a wedge in my relationships.

Recently I’ve been asking myself, “What is my expectation?” before I do something for another person. The answer I find most acceptable—cheesy as it may sound—is: to feel good and show love. Strangely, when I release the need to control what I get for giving, I get enough, somehow.

I’ve made a list of 20 things you can do to show you care, without needing the recipient to return the kindness—20 ways giving is its own reward. Maybe some of these will resonate with you. Or perhaps you’ll want to write your own list to spur the spirit of giving without expectations. (Although I’ve written you, these are things I try to do.)

1. Give money you can spare to someone who needs it and then pretend you never had it.

2. Let someone tell a story without feeling the need to one-up them or tell your own.

3. Let someone vent, even if you can’t offer a solution, just to be an ear—without considering how well they listened to you last week.

4. Help someone who is struggling with difficult feelings by admitting you’ve felt the same thing—without considering whether they’d be as open with you.

5. Ask, “What can I do to help you today?” Then let it go after following through.

6. Tell someone how you feel about them, even if it makes you feel vulnerable, just to let them know they’re loved and not alone.

7. Apologize when you’ve acted selfishly, even if you don’t like feeling wrong, because it will remind the other person they deserve to be treated with respect.

8. Let someone else educate you, even if you’re tempted to stay closed minded, because you value their knowledge and appreciate their willingness to share it.

9. Forgive someone who wronged you because you have compassion for them, not because you know they’ll owe you.

10. Hold someone’s hand when they feel vulnerable to let them know you haven’t judged them.

11. Give your full attention to the person in front of you when you’re tempted to let your thoughts wander just to show them their words are valuable.

12. Assume the best when you’re tempted to suspect someone for no valid reason—even if they haven’t always given you the benefit of the doubt.

13. Accompany someone to an appointment or drive them to an interview when they need support just to help them feel strong.

14. Change your plans for someone you love if yours weren’t too important without questioning whether they’d do the same for you.

15. Teach someone how to do something without taking a superior position because they’ve likely taught you many things, whether they were obvious or not.

16. Leave a thoughtful comment on someone’s blog, not to build your readership but rather to show them how they affected you.

17. Tell someone you believe in their potential, even if they haven’t always shown you the same support.

18. Say no when it would make you feel good to say yes, because sometimes being kind means pushing someone to step up and try harder.

19. Tell someone you know they meant well instead of using their mistake as an opportunity to manipulate their guilt.

20. I’ve left this one open for you to write. How do you give just to show you care?

Let’s face it: none of us is always kind. Human nature dictates we’ll act with one eye on what’s in it for us, at least occasionally. And I think that’s okay, as long as we make an effort whenever possible to do good for the sake of it.

Releasing expectations doesn’t mean you give other people permission to treat you thoughtlessly. It just means you check in with your motivations and give because you want to; and then ask for things directly when you want them. People who care about you will be there for you in return.

[RedLantern]

Expectations mean different things to different people in various stages of their lives.Our goals envisioned in our head are very idealistic.We see these visions and we accept them to come out that way,but we all know that it might not be exactly the same as how we envisioned it.We need to realistically understand that we can get something similar to what we thought ,then we will work back at it and reflect at how great it really is.
As Buddhist we already know that being overly attached to anything is bad,and being attached to expectation may be the worst of all.Look at things as they really are by stripping away the illusions imposed by our minds.It sounds easy sometimes,doesn't it?

[icy]

This subject is really wide.  It can include expectation of your mind transformation.  When you start practicing, you should not expect too much. We live in a time of computers and automation, so you may feel that inner development is also an automatic thing for which you press a button and everything changes. It is not so. Inner development is not easy and will take time. External progress, the latest space missions and so forth, have not reached their present level within a short period but over centuries, each generation making greater developments based on those of the previous generation. However, inner development is even more difficult since internal improvement cannot be transferred from generation to generation. Your past life's experience very much influences this life, and this life's experience becomes the basis for the next rebirth's development, but transference of inner development from one person to another is impossible. Thus, everything depends on yourself, and it will take time.

[ratanasutra]

Its quite hard to do thing without any expectations. And those expectations lead us to be unhappy when it not turn out as we expected. So how we shall deal with it.

So instead of having expectations, we look at how things actually exist and turn inward for stability and happiness we can achieve a much more peaceful state of mind so we don't find object to make our mind happy which is not the real happy anyway. We can still enjoy the positive things we experience in life but we won't be devastated when they eventually fade or fall away, i think it also lead us to view things in different way and we will be understand the real meaning of impermanent too.

[Aurore]

When we stop wanting anything from anyone, the expectations will not exist.

To deal with expectations is really to deal with ourselves. This is when we need to actually start looking at ourselves and question why do we have all these expectations? It boils down to we want something from them and when they do not do as we expect them to, we suffer and in turn make them suffer.

What Venerable Thubten Chodron said is true, when we stop having expectations, we will have better relationship with anyone.

[Dorje Pakmo]

I think to have expectations on how things should be, how others should act, what others should do, etc... etc... is a very normal thing for everyone. It is because we were brought up in a way that we are suppose to do things in a certain way to "please", certain people, even at a very young age. Mum, Dad, Uncles, Aunts and Grandparents tells us to do what is "right" (their set of values on what is right) all the time . And hence we inherit our views on how things "should" be mainly from our own families, and probably at a certain point of our lives, from our friends. What I am trying to say is that we are living in a world filled with expectations. Everyone have their expectations on how things should be.

It is definitely a very hard practice if we were to unlearn and accept everything as it happens don't matter if it's good or bad. People often lament when they are experiencing bad times, dealing with difficult people, friends, partners and even simple things like, if their coffee is not made like how they want it to taste. What many do not realize is that we are actually giving ourselves a lot of unnecessary pain all the time wanting things to happen the way we expect it to be.

We often feel happy when we get things done our way and complain, get depress or angry when it doesn't. Really, why should that be the case? Every individual has a different mind and whatever happens to us tomorrow pretty much depends on what we did yesterday or the day before. We can expect, and expect. But do know and understand, other people have their own expectations and set of values too. Whatever unpleasantness that we go through is a result of our own negative Karma. If we believe in the Buddha and our protector, we should learn to accept things within and without our expectations happily. Things will not be a 100% smooth all the time. I personally feel that every unpleasantness or difficulties we have to go through is a chance to prepare us for something bigger and if we patiently and willingly go through difficult situations, we will become stronger, better and wiser. Instead of wanting things to happen the way we want it, selfishly expect others to change, and suffer silently, angrily or dramatically when it doesn't. We should live our lives treating others the way we expect them to treat us and do the things we expect others to do for us as much as we can for others.

[Positive Change]

I think to have expectations on how things should be, how others should act, what others should do, etc... etc... is a very normal thing for everyone. It is because we were brought up in a way that we are suppose to do things in a certain way to "please", certain people, even at a very young age. Mum, Dad, Uncles, Aunts and Grandparents tells us to do what is "right" (their set of values on what is right) all the time . And hence we inherit our views on how things "should" be mainly from our own families, and probably at a certain point of our lives, from our friends. What I am trying to say is that we are living in a world filled with expectations. Everyone have their expectations on how things should be.

It is definitely a very hard practice if we were to unlearn and accept everything as it happens don't matter if it's good or bad. People often lament when they are experiencing bad times, dealing with difficult people, friends, partners and even simple things like, if their coffee is not made like how they want it to taste. What many do not realize is that we are actually giving ourselves a lot of unnecessary pain all the time wanting things to happen the way we expect it to be.

We often feel happy when we get things done our way and complain, get depress or angry when it doesn't. Really, why should that be the case? Every individual has a different mind and whatever happens to us tomorrow pretty much depends on what we did yesterday or the day before. We can expect, and expect. But do know and understand, other people have their own expectations and set of values too. Whatever unpleasantness that we go through is a result of our own negative Karma. If we believe in the Buddha and our protector, we should learn to accept things within and without our expectations happily. Things will not be a 100% smooth all the time. I personally feel that every unpleasantness or difficulties we have to go through is a chance to prepare us for something bigger and if we patiently and willingly go through difficult situations, we will become stronger, better and wiser. Instead of wanting things to happen the way we want it, selfishly expect others to change, and suffer silently, angrily or dramatically when it doesn't. We should live our lives treating others the way we expect them to treat us and do the things we expect others to do for us as much as we can for others.

It is most interesting how for most of us if not all of us, everything we do however small or big is laden with expectations... some conscious others subconscious. It is therefore good to be aware of our actions all the time and to check our motivation and reason behind doing something however 'insignificant' or big.

I personally find it always easier to do something out of impulse rather than to think it over as I find myself over analyzing and often confusing myself to a point where my actions become 'polluted'. I believe our initial impulses are often the most pure and we should go with those instincts. I liken it to a baby or toddler whereby their actions are without malice or over thought which makes it pure.

[Manjushri]

I have read a quote once when I was really young and it has imprinted itself into my mind until today. It goes: "Expect Nothing and Nothing will disappoint you".

Which is quite true. We build up our world with expectations - from the expectations of your family and friends, to your work, colleagues, food, drinks, an event, party, clothes, fashion.. Everything in our mind made up of false reality becomes an expectation. And when our expectations do not meet our reality, we are disappointed, we blame, we cry, we are angry, we are sad. Our expecations shape us to expect everything to come perfectly but there is no such thing as perfect. We expect others to behave this way or that, but in accepting who they imperfectly are, it will make you much happier.

This is such a great teaching by Venerable Thubten Chodron.

[Big Uncle]

Well, wrong expectations is a fact of life and one of the many reasons why we suffer. Our expectations are shaped by our prior experiences with the situation or the person. If we have had a bad experience, we often remember it very well and would expect the same experience with the situation or the person. However, situation and people change but we still cling on to the experience.

Hence, we suffer. Hence, we can develop certain habitual patterns because of old experience although it happened a long time ago and in most cases since our childhood. In fact, much of our behavior is shaped in our childhood years watching the example our parents set for us with their actions. Kind and hardworking parents would usually have kind and hardworking children. Spiritual parents would inspire their kids to be spiritual as well. Parents who are sneaky and money-grabbing would also influence their kids likewise.

[DS Star]

When we do not have expectation we will not suffer from frustration or unsatisfactory. It does not mean that we become sloppy and do not care about the 'standards', we will be much happier when we do not set unrealistic standards/ requirements to ourselves and others.

Modern studies showed that the Danes are the "happiest lige nu".

"Lige nu is a Danish phrase that means literally "just now" but strongly connotes a sense of "for the time being but probably not for long." Danes, in other words, harbor low expectations about everything, including their own happiness. Though not an especially religious people, Danes would make good Buddhists. They live their lives as the Buddha advised: in the present tense, not grasping at some future happiness jackpot."

http://www.wildmind.org/blogs/on-practice/treadmill-of-expectations

Mmm... maybe everyone should move to Denmark...