Every time I talk to someone I'm motivated by attachment?

[icy]

Idle talk is usually considered a destructive action because it wastes our time. But if our friend is depressed and can't listen to wise advice, we can joke, tell silly stories, and use small talk to lighten his mood. Because our motivation is kind, our joking and chatting are positive.

Laughing and having a good time aren't in opposition to Dharma. The more we leave behind attachment, anger, jealousy, and pride, the more we'll enjoy whatever we're doing. Our hearts will open to others and we can laugh and smile with ease. The holy beings I've been fortunate to meet have a wonderful sense of humor and are very friendly.

In Buddhist groups, it's important for people to get to know each other and have a sense of fellowship. We can share experiences with our Dharma friends and encourage each other on the path. Buddhism isn't an isolated path, and it's important for Buddhists to cultivate group unity and companionship.
It's not beneficial to retreat inside ourselves, thinking, "Every time I talk to someone I'm motivated by attachment. Therefore I'll concentrate on meditation and chanting and won't socialize with others." One of the fundamental principles of Buddhism is care and compassion for others. Although at times we may need to distance ourselves from others in order to settle our own minds, whenever possible we should actively develop genuine love for others. To do this, we must be aware of what's happening in others' lives, care about them as we do ourselves, and offer help whenever possible. Our ability to act with love develops with time and practice, and it has to be balanced with our need for private contemplation.

[Tenzin K]

I agree with what Icy mentioned that “One of the fundamental principles of Buddhism is care and compassion for others. Although at times we may need to distance ourselves from others in order to settle our own minds, whenever possible we should actively develop genuine love for others. To do this, we must be aware of what's happening in others' lives, care about them as we do ourselves, and offer help whenever possible. Our ability to act with love develops with time and practice, and it has to be balanced with our need for private contemplation.”

Sharing is an opportunity to benefit from each other’s insights and experience of the practice. It is a special time for us to share our experiences, our joys, our difficulties, and our questions relating to the practice of mindfulness. We may wish to share our insights or experience with the Dharma reading or Dharma talk that we just heard, or with any of the meditations in the first half of the meditation session.

We can help to create a calm and receptive environment by practicing deep listening while others are speaking. We contribute to the collective insight and understanding of the Sangha by learning to speak out about our happiness and our difficulties in the practice. Dharma sharing is therefore a valuable practice where we may realize that others share similar difficulties and aspirations. Sitting, listening, and sharing together, we recognize our true connections to one another and we realize that our problems are not unique.

Some sharing that I found on Guidelines for Dharma Sharing:
The guidelines for Dharma sharing protect each other and offer direction towards clear and compassionate communication.

1) All that arises is confidential. What is said here, stays here. Confidentiality secures the safety of the group and helps avoid gossiping. After Dharma sharing, if we want to talk with someone about what they said in the group, we first ask if it is ok. Sometimes a person does not want to talk more about what they said and this is a respectful way to honour his or her space.

2)Speak from experience and avoid theoretical discussions. Topics emanate from our life and practice. It is best to avoid discussions which are theoretical rather than experiential. Theory can be found in many books, which can be read during the time we are not together as a Sangha. Our time together as a Sangha is precious and we get the most benefit when we learn from each other's experiences. During Dharma sharing, we may share our practice from the past few weeks, any insights or difficulties we might have had, make a comment about how the reading or Dharma talk relates to our experience, or ask a question.

3) Indicate our intention to speak by bowing, and indicate we have finished speaking by bowing. Before speaking we make a “lotus” with our hands (we join our palms together) and bow. When we bow, we are signaling to others that we would like to share. The Sangha bows back acknowledging that they are ready to listen deeply. When we are finished, we let the Sangha know by bowing again. During the time in between, we have the space to speak without interruption, which helps to creates a safe and harmonious environment.

4) Practice loving mindful speech and watering positive seeds. Speaking from the heart about topics that emanate from our life and practice includes speaking with awareness in a way that could be of benefit to others as well as ourselves. For example, we can speak with kindness, in a voice that is clear and loud enough for everyone to hear, and connect with others by making eye contact and smiling from time to time. We all benefit from hearing each other's insights and direct experience of the practice.  We are aware that the knowledge that we presently possess is not changeless, absolute truth. We keep this awareness while we speak so that we are not caught in our ideas and opinions, but rather to humbly offer the best of ourselves. We try to speak in a way that is truthful and waters positive seeds in others. Many of us have ideas about what it means to be “honest”. Though what we say may be correct from one point of view, it may not be the truth. The truth is something that has the capacity to reconcile, to give people hope, and to give people happiness.

5) If answering a question, speak from experience. If someone asks for advice and a practice that we have worked with comes to mind it is fine to share our experience rather than telling someone what he or she should do. In general it is helpful to always use the word “I” instead of the word “you”. Speaking from our own experience helps to prevent someone from giving advice that they cannot follow themselves.

6) Share with the whole circle. Whatever we share is for the benefit of all those present. We do not engage in cross-talk with another participant. If we ask a question we ask the whole group and if we answer a question we speak to the whole group and not just the person who asked. If we ask a question, we should not expect an answer straight away. Another topic may be addressed first and only when and if someone feels ready to address the question asked will it be addressed.

7) Practice taking three mindful breaths after someone has shared. Our speech is the fruit of our practice, a response from within. It is helpful for the atmosphere of Dharma sharing when participants take three mindful breaths before speaking, to allow time for the previous person's speaking to be fully received and to feel gratitude for their contribution. If we are anxious to share, this gives us space to come back to our breathing and ask ourselves: “Why am I in a hurry to speak? Will what I say nourish others in the Sangha? Will it nourish me? Would it be better to speak to someone individually about this matter?” If we are in a hurry to speak, we try to calm ourselves before we share.

Refrain from speaking a second time until everyone has had a chance to speak. This ensures an opportunity for everyone to speak and provides a space where we can benefit from each person's wisdom. We are encouraged to speak mindfully, not too much and not too little, in accordance with the number of participants. Near the end of the time the bellmaster may offer an opportunity for those who have not spoken to do so if they wish and may address any unanswered questions.

9) Practice deep listening. Even though we have the intention to listen deeply our mind may wander. Perhaps we are agreeing, disagreeing, feeling agitated, wanting to respond, drifting off, etc. If we are mindful of our thoughts and inner dialogue, we can choose to come back to being present with the person who is speaking. Many people in the Sangha use this as training to become more attentive listeners for family and friends.

[Big Uncle]

Talking is a means to convey information and a means to express ourselves. However, people often have their own agenda in talking. Some don't like to talk very much and don't like to express themselves probably because they are used to it or they come from a very repressive background.

Then, there are those that truly enjoying talking for the sake of expressing themselves. In fact, instead of fulfilling a purpose, talking can become a distraction and sometimes and spiritual obstruction because we use it distract ourselves and others along with it. Some take it one step further by using it to bring down the reputation of people we do not like, manipulate others or to lie in order to achieve our aims.                                                                                                                                   

However, our speech can be used to encourage people onto the Dharma, offer comfort to those who are unhappy and to recite mantras and praises to the Buddhas, which collects merit and purify tremendous amounts of negative karma.

[tsangpakarpo]

Icy, thank you for sharing the above. I like what you wrote.

I believe it depends on the individuals. Some people I know take refuge in talking, or rather gossiping. That of course is idle chat and should be done. I mean if we do that once in a while it is still alright but some people gossip all day long and put others down with their speech. That of course is a big nono.

If we say we practice Buddhism and yet we do that all day long, what will people think of us? Or most importantly, what will people think of Buddhism? Have we ever thought about it that we represent our religion? How our family and friends think of our religion is how we act.

If we are good and nice and compassionate then our religion naturally becomes so but if we act the opposite, no matter how good our religion is, people will not believe because as said earlier, we represent our religion.

So to me, whether or not our talks are motivated by attachment it depends on the individuals but all must remember to speak well always to represent our religion well.

[dondrup]

As humans, we are born with contaminated aggregates.  All our thoughts and actions are tainted with ignorance, attachment and hatred – the three root poisons of our mind.  Hence, we must exercise mindfulness and awareness for all our thoughts and actions so that they become meaningful and useful.  We should try as much as possible to eliminate these three poisons.  If we generate good motivation e.g. Bodhichitta each time, even idle or casual chat with someone that appears to be worldly and non-Dharmic become meaningful.  The key is having the right motivation for all of our actions. 

To traverse alone on the path of liberation is difficult for many, hence we should make an effort to interact with our fellow practitioners so that we can help and support each other on the path.  Buddhist fellowship is important because members in our group or organisation are the Sangha Jewels.  They are a part of our Buddhist Refuge and for us to rely on.