Nothing Higher to live for

[sonamdhargey]

I found a good read about Romantic Love in a Buddhist point of view and find that it relates to me a lot and it is practical yet we humans fall for it time after time calling it love. Love should be unconditional however we humans are very conditional when comes to love another.

The love of a man for a woman and a woman for a man is often the floor to which people fall after the collapse of other dreams. It is held to be solid when nothing else is, and though it frequently gives way and dumps them into a basement of despair, it still enjoys a reputation of dependability. No matter that this reputation is illogical — it still flourishes and will continue to flourish regardless of what is said in any book. Love, or possibly the myth of love, is the first, last, and sometimes the only refuge of uncomprehending humanity. What else makes our hearts beat so fast? What else makes us swoon with feeling? What else renders us so intensely alive and aching? The search for love — the sublime, the nebulous, the consuming — remains sacred in a world that increasingly despises the sacred. When the heroic and the transcendental are but memories, when religious institutions fill up with bureaucrats and social scientists, when nobody believes there is a sky beyond the ceiling, then there seems no other escape from the prison of self than the abandon of love. With a gray age of spiritual deadness upon us, we love, or beg for love, or grieve for love. We have nothing higher to live for.

Indeed, many take it on faith that romantic love is the highest thing to live for. Popular literature, movies, art, and music tirelessly celebrate it as the one truth accessible to all. Such love obliterates reason, as poets have long sweetly lamented, and this is part of its charm and power, because we want to be swept up and spirited out of our calculating selves. "Want" is the key word, for in the spiritual void of modern life the wanting of love becomes increasingly indistinguishable from love itself. So powerful, so insistent is it that we seldom notice that the gratification is rare and the craving relentless. Love is mostly in anticipation; it is an agony of anticipation; it is an ache for a completion not found in the dreary round of mundane routine. That we never seem to possess it in its imagined fullness does not deter us. It hurts so bad that it must be good.

I like what he said " Passions are unreliable, volatile, dangerous, and a poor foundation for happiness."

Read more here: http://www.accesstoinsight.org/lib/authors/price/bl124.html

[Jessie Fong]

“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.”
? Lao Tzu



The Four Loves

1. Affection (storge, ) is fondness through familiarity, especially between family members or people who have otherwise found themselves together by chance.

2. Philia (Greek: ??) is the love between friends.

3. Eros (?) is love in the sense of 'being in love' or 'loving' someone.

4. Charity (agap?, ??) is the love that brings forth caring regardless of the circumstance.

[Tenzin K]

Just as blood nourishes the heart which keeps it flowing, so love nourishes spiritual freedom and is, in turn, kept flowing by it. The connection is so strong that Buddhism, often known as a Path of Freedom, could equally be called a religion of love. Perhaps this is what he had in mind when the Dalai Lama said his religion is kindness. For the Buddha, love is one of the paths to full spiritual liberation.

If we call Buddhism a religion of love we need to be clear what we mean by love, or more precisely, what forms of love we are including. Because freedom is the guide, the measure, and the ultimate goal of all things Buddhist, Buddhist love includes those forms of love that are characterized by freedom. Love that involves clinging, lust, confusion, neediness, fear, or grasping to self would, in Buddhist terms, be seen as expressions of bondage and limitation.

Lovingkindness, compassion, appreciative joy, and a particular form of equanimity are the four kinds of love taught and encouraged in classic Buddhist teachings. None of these are uniquely Buddhist; they are four qualities of heart that reside within everyone, at least as potentials. Teachings about the four forms of love existed in India prior to the Buddha – they were elements common to the Indian spiritual world which he included within his system of practice. While Buddhism cannot exist without love, it may be helpful to realize that love can exist happily apart from Buddhism. Learning the ways of these four loves does not require one to become a Buddhist. It only requires a willingness to develop innate capacities.

Love does not need to be left to chance. It mustn’t be a matter of “falling in love,” nor must it be accepted in whatever degree or frequency it happens to appear. The Buddhist tradition has developed a range of practices and reflections designed to develop our capacity to love. As with a treasure behind a locked door, we can find the key that allows us to open the door of love; like a muscle, love can be strengthened through practice.

In their most developed forms, the four types of love can each become a boundless radiance glowing from us. As such, love may flow from us equally toward all beings or it can glow freely without needing to be directed to anyone. When boundless, love without any particular object is recognized in Buddhism as a form of liberation.

To be “free” only when things are pleasant is not real liberation. Similarly, to love only in optimal conditions is not real love. Not a few Buddhist meditators have experienced great love while in meditation, only to have it disappear quickly outside of meditation. It can be easy to love all beings in the abstract, but it can be a great challenge to do so when we have to live with them. It is one thing to love and another to express that love in daily life.

One of the most rewarding spiritual practices is to cultivate the ability to bring love into all aspects of our life and to all people we encounter. This entails learning how to include love’s presence while we speak to others, are in conflict with others, and are living with others. While this can be a daunting task, it begins with having the intention to do so. And it is supported by appreciating each manifestation of love that we encounter. Even practicing loving-kindness for the time it takes to snap the fingers is beneficial. Each drop of practice is significant and, as the Buddha said, “with dripping drops of water, the water jug is filled.”

[pgdharma]

It is important to understand that there are different types of love, and that love plays a big role in Buddhism, especially in the form of unconditional love and compassion. Buddhist philosophy teaches that true love is free from attachment and emotional dependence.

In Buddhism, one of the goals is to reach a loving compassionate state where one is capable of seeing, caring for, and genuinely loving everyone and everything. To love is an action. It's that force that motivates people to become better, to improve themselves in order to reach eternity and happiness. Love brings out the best in people, as when they love, the target is not themselves but the beloved ones. This wish to serve others is said to be a reflection of an innate knowledge that everybody is connected through the same principle, and therefore, it is an illusion to believe that one can achieve true happiness while those around haven't attained it . So, love is the action that makes people step out of their ego and work in favour of the whole in a search for fulfillment.

[Aurore]

Indeed the perception where romantic love is the highest thing to live for exist in most people's minds. This is because romantic love feeds our ego and attachment. Romantic love evolve to marriage to family and if lucky enough, grow old happily and die peacefully. In most cases, it's not. Even if all ends happy ever after, is this really what we should be living for? In the Buddhist point of view, romantic relationships mostly bring us further into samsara.

Of course it is great to have a "perfect" relationship. However, the love can extend further to others. Imagine finding a romantic partner who share the same ideals ... to live to benefit others? To transform to a better person for each other and achieve a much more than what they thought possible alone? And most importantly, to help each other out of samsara.

Isn't a love for all with a loving partner a great way to live for a lay person?

[buddhalovely]

Four brief but penetrating reflections on Buddhist practice, by one particularly lively writer. A taste: "The fundamental teachings must not be neglected, lest we take to wearing our religion like warm slippers and doze into mediocrity.

In this delightful fictional dialogue, an earnest but perplexed newcomer to Buddhism brings his basic questions to the wise and patient monk Tissa. A good read for the newcomer or for the veteran meditator who wants a light-hearted back-to-basics pick-me-up.

Romantic love, by its very nature, is inevitably entangled in unskillful states of mind. To whatever degree it springs from attachment, passion, or a hunger to fill one's own inner emptiness — to that degree will it heap suffering upon all involved. This short essay explores how the Dhamma can teach us what it might mean to truly love, free of attachment and fear.

[Big Uncle]

In Buddhism, all forms of romantic love is just forms of attachment to varying degrees. We spend our whole lives justifying the money we make, the large sums of money we spend on beautifying our bodies and in pursuing the object of our love.

Then, we establish a relationship and we have to put in a lot of effort, money and time to maintain the relationship. Then we marry and spend the rest of lives gather money to suppor the spouse along with the children. Children is the biggest jail in a relationship as they suck so much time, money and effort. We end up old wrinkle and unsure of whether our children would even remember the love and kindness we had shown them in the first place.

Hence, some people think that homosexual relationships are better off because they can never have kids conventionally. However, homosexual relationships have their own set of problems originating from the clandestine affairs and promiscuity that surrounds this subculture. Hence, if we spend our lives in pursuit or relationships only result in lost time and despair. It would be better invested in spiritual pursuits alongside our physical needs. In the end, quality partners are only attracted by those who are kinder, more compassionate and generally have a substantial interest than the average person on the street.

[vajratruth]

What an interesting topic this is. The tale of Romeo and Juliet is often taken as the ultimate love story but when we really look into it, it is about two people experiencing a rush of blood to the head triggering a series of incidents that spanned four days during which six people died as a consequence. OK, maybe it is not all like that and there are people who see love as a noble pursuit and indeed think of it as nothing higher to live for.

The conventional reference to how love feels is that it is supposed to make us feel good, full of life and full of hope and we “fall in love” when that feeling is heightened. To quote, “What else makes our hearts beat so fast? What else makes us swoon with feeling? What else renders us so intensely alive and aching”?   It is all about how we feel, quite independently of the object of our love. We can even fall in love without knowing much about the object of our love and then we fall out of love when we come to know more about the person. The person has not changed and the only thing that changed is our mind and our opinion when we realize that reality does not match our fantasy. It is all very self-centric and in many ways, love is the ultimate projection of our very poisoned minds and to that extent, to love there is indeed nothing higher to be attached to.

We demand love to fulfill our happiness and as long as it does meet our expectations, we cling on to it and it reinforces our attachment. And if it doesn’t we unleash our anger towards it and anger doesn’t only take wrathful form but also very subtle signs of disapproval.  And so love becomes the platform on which we practice and build up all the three poisons that the Buddha spoke about.

But actually it is not love or romantic love that is the culprit but our own minds. It is only how we feel. And seeing that it is our own mind that we have to work with, love can also be the agent of change that happens when we experience love together with the knowledge of Dharma. What Dharma does so deftly is that it irreversibly changes our perspective of things, it redefines the meaning of happiness and it shifts our core objectives away from ourselves on to the other. And when you re-look at love from those new eyes, the object of love becomes the object of practice and only then love becomes truly nothing higher to live for.

[psylotripitaka]

Whether or not kids are a jail depends on our view. Big Uncle, your comment regarding children contradicts many important points in Dharma. Others are incredibly kind because they give us the opportunity to accumulate merit, increase realization and so on. They are supports on the quick path. It is and will always remain our own view that jails us!

Love and attachment are different mental factors, and until we realize equanimity from correct meditation, our relationships will remain a mixture of cherishing others happiness (love) and cherishing others because of the pleasant feelings we believe they give us.

The highest thing to live for is to serve others without thought of our own gain. Romantic relationships are not the meaning of life in themselves, but it is how we rely upon them as a means to achieve enlightenment that is. We need to examine our mind very carefully in our romantic relations. If they are mainly increasing our delusions and preventing us from developing realizations, the relationship has become an obstruction. Others are not the problem, it is our mental relationship with objects of consciousness that needs fixing.

[psylotripitaka]

A sign that the vibration of our love (a mental factor that values the happiness of others) is increasing while in a romantic relationship is that we will feel less and less partiality towards our partner, and we will feel more and more towards every living being like we have felt for our partner.

Due to the karma we have with our partner, though we may still act a certain way towards them that we would not do to others, our inner feelings of affection for our partner and others will be equalized if we are practicing the Dharma correctly.

If we have not trained well and are not seeing such signs, our self-honestly will reveal the truth, but quite frankly, our Dharma practice cannot be forced but must evolve organically, yet this is not an excuse for being lazy with delusions. Yes, it is wonderful to develop even a little loving kindness, but if we are aiming for higher attainments within this very lifetime, we need to reflect very honestly on how a romantic relationship (our view of it) is effecting our mind. We may find that the way in which our inner pain is numbed by a partner deceives us, and our loss of mindfulness of Dharma leads to an increase in things such as:

- An illusion of safety (prevented from confronting the truth of our samsara)
- Conceiving our partner to be inherently beautiful, inherently desirable, separate from our mind (gap), the source of our happiness
- Therefore our ignorance, self-cherishing, and attachment
longing for contaminated aggregates
- Self-deception
- Grasping at the 8 worldly concerns
- Grasping at permanence
- Laziness and complacency
- Loss of bodhichitta
- Damaging and breaking vows and commitments
- Our inability to develop real renunciation
- Our inability to develop equanimity, universal love and compassion
- Ordinary appearances and ordinary conceptions

Essentially, we may discover that the truth is, our ability to generate authentic realizations of even the initial scope of a small being (never mind the middle or great scopes) is diminished greatly due to how our layers upon layers of contaminated perceptions of a relationship have numbed our mind.

We must always measure the success of our training by reflecting on our daily actions in the mirror of Dharma. If we tackle things in small portions and complete our actions, we won't be overwhelmed by the truth of what we've seen. We'll accept ourself, and recognizing we are a good person worthy of real happiness, we'll become more and more proactive in our training.

[dsiluvu]

This is an interesting topic... debatable?

Whether or not kids are a jail depends on our view. Big Uncle, your comment regarding children contradicts many important points in Dharma. Others are incredibly kind because they give us the opportunity to accumulate merit, increase realization and so on. They are supports on the quick path. It is and will always remain our own view that jails us!

True that our minds and views are what brings us heaven or hell, jail or paradise. But could you clarify how exactly does having kids supports one on the quick path???

So far from what I see... having kids takes up a whole lot of time and attention from their parents, where by if the parent wanted to do full time Dharma work and focus entirely on practice it is almost impossible. The time has to be divided to the one child and Dharma. For example: There is no way a parent can say I'm going on a retreat to India for 3 years 3 months 3 days... Having a kid is self-created responsibility. It not something "bad" but it's just a fact that when you do have kids you have lessen your time in pursuing Dharma 100%, there are things you can and cannot do and that's just a fact. Saying it is a "jail" may be a wee bit too "dramatic" but it can be so when if becomes an obstacle towards one's spiritual progress and path.

The freedom and time to do what you wanna do... for Dharma that is will always need to adjusted because of the child. It is a commitment that is self-created once you have a child, it is a duty and responsibility in itself. I'm not saying having a child is bad, for some, it actually makes them more self-less and more discipline and it changes them for the better... some even become more spiritual because of the kid, then I would say the child has brought the parents blessings... but this is the very rare "some". Majority is not so, unfortunately. So I suppose that is why in most Dharma teachings we hear that this is not something to be sort after, definitely not a goal. Hence the Buddha left his kingdom, wife and child in pursuit of Enlightenment.....

[dsiluvu]

Love and attachment are different mental factors, and until we realize equanimity from correct meditation, our relationships will remain a mixture of cherishing others happiness (love) and cherishing others because of the pleasant feelings we believe they give us.

The highest thing to live for is to serve others without thought of our own gain. Romantic relationships are not the meaning of life in themselves, but it is how we rely upon them as a means to achieve enlightenment that is. We need to examine our mind very carefully in our romantic relations. If they are mainly increasing our delusions and preventing us from developing realizations, the relationship has become an obstruction. Others are not the problem, it is our mental relationship with objects of consciousness that needs fixing.

Having said the above... so as a Dharma practitioner would you encourage the pursuit of romantic relationship?

In most cases we see it becoming an obstruction more then a means that helps us achieve "Enlightenment". Of course if it does... it would be beautiful. However, most of the time we achieve the opposite. Indeed it is not about the other, but more about "us".

We definitely need to be honest with ourselves and ask ourselves how well can we practice under such circumstances. Will it be a distraction? This then becomes a huge test on our attachments, desire and determination. It also depends on the individual's Dharma foundation, if their is not solid, not firm, I would definitely think a relationship could just be an obstruction and distraction that would have otherwise allow them to grow to their highest potential. Some could even take them away from Dharma all together.

I suppose if one must have a relationship, due karmic consequences creating the cause and conditions which is sometimes hard to cut off,  it would be better if the partner is also in Dharma. At least both can be a supporting tool and method to help each other grow in their spiritual practice instead of the opposite.

[psylotripitaka]

Hi dsiluvu

In Lama Chopa its says:
"I seek your blessings to make this freedom and endowment extremely meaningful, by immediately applying meditation to whatever I meet..."

In Geshe Chekawa's 7 Point Mind Training it says:
"All Dharma is condensed into one purpose." (Subduing our uncontrolled mind = training the mind)

In many places we see the Masters saying that Dharma is about training the mind; that things are a projection of mind; that our experience depends on our view and so forth.

Making a distinction between serving our children and practicing Dharma 100% is a mistaken view. Although we may not be able to do extensive isolated solitary retreat until the children are older, if we maintain powerful mindfulness of Dharma, of our intentions and views in relation to what is appearing, and we apply ourselves correctly in formal meditation and sadhana, we make quick progress.

'Sadhana' means method of attainment. Traditionally, this word meant the complete transformation of every aspect of our life 24/7 into our sadhana. Nowadays people just tend to think of the prayer booklets.

Children, as an object of our consciousness, contribute to the quick path in many many ways. Because of them, we can develop various types of love, compassion, exchanging self with others, bodhichitta. We are able to train deeply in patience, in generosity, in skillful means, in moral discipline, in effort, and so forth. We are reminded of our own samsara, so we can enhance renunciation. We are reminded of impermanence, so our grasping at permanence and this life reduces. The fact is, to become a Buddha, we have to gain control of our mind and perfect our good qualities, and it is in dependence upon objects of consciousness that we are able to train. How was Atisha's angry and abusive cook contributing to Atisha's quick path? Atisha said 'I need him, because I am able to complete the perfection of patience through his kindness.'


If we practice in this way throughout the day and night, regardless of what we are doing, who we are with, or where we are at, we will progress quickly. If we engage in virtue and training the mind between formal meditation sessions, when we sit down to concentrate in formal meditation, it will be powerful because we have been engaged in preliminaries all day. For such a practitioner, making strong distinctions between what is spiritual practice and what is not, and between the meditation session and meditation break is foolish. For them, children enhance every aspect of their training in Lamrim, Lojong, and Vajrayana Mahamudra. An entire book could be written about this relationship between children and the quick path.

Every moment is an opportunity in every situation is an opportunity for powerful spiritual progress. As long as we think otherwise; as long as we think some things are not of spiritual benefit, we will be slowed down by our own useless imputation of reality. The choice is ours.

If everything is viewed as the Guru, we receive the blessings of the Guru. If everything is viewed as the Guru teaching us the path of abandonment and practice, giving us the opportunity to generate the path in our own consciousness, then everything we experience will become the quick path of realization. That is a fact. Everything we experience is the kindness of the Guru!

If the lineage Gurus are any indication of what happens by holding such a view, then we can be sure if we do the same, we will achieve the same results. The law of karma is infallible.

[psylotripitaka]

Dsiluvu - Would I encourage the pursuit of romantic relationships?

I would encourage training the mind carefully and correctly in all circumstances without discrimination. When it comes to specific advice on such a topic, it has to be tailored to suit the recipient.

If we don't attempt with honest and consistent effort to utilize appearances to enhance our spiritual realizations, what the hell are we doing? The opposite. It is difficult to make quick progress if we are mostly training in delusion. We have to want to make real progress; really value spiritual attainments. If we do, then we will definitely find ways to use our relationship to enhance our realizations.

[psylotripitaka]

Dsiluvu, for example, we may initially pursue a relationship due to uncontrolled desire, but if we train correctly and constantly in the great scope meditations, our views and intentions will change the purpose we're in a relationship. If you gain experience of equanimity, and seeing everyone as your kind mother, your romantic feelings based on attachment will diminish, and you will love everyone equally. Your bodhichitta will force you to enter the Vajrayana, and your correct training in deity yoga will completely transform the meaning of your partnership. The problem here really ends up being the inability to genuinely see ourself as the Yidam, so how exactly are we really using attachment on the path if we don't really have correct experience of emptiness?

The vows and commitments of tantra, the Gross Downfalls and the uncommon commitments of Mother Tantra in particular outline clearly what such a relationship should be like if we are training this way.

Relationships are also very powerful supports for developing renunciation.

If we've decided our main practice is the initial scope, then a relationship is an opportunity to create conditions for happiness in future lives, especially with moral discipline, patience, and generosity.

Again, depending on the intention, inclinations, and circumstances, each individual will need to assess their way of practicing with a relationship and train accordingly. If we don't even think about this or regard such self-assessment as important, then in what way can we said to be "training" in Dharma?