A cheating wife

[Ensapa]

I found this blog about a man who caught his wife cheating on him, and posted the evidence (SMS logs) online, as well as his thoughts. I thought it would be interesting to discuss here as we often hear or symphatize with people whose partners cheated on them, but this is probably one of the first few times that we would get to read the thoughts of the person who was cheated:

http://iwantrevange.wordpress.com/

note: some of the SMS conversations between the wife and the lover can be quite graphic. I can imagine the amount of mental anguish and pain that the husband went through reading those, and even the lover claiming that the daughter is in reality, his.

In more ways than one, i do wonder, why get married when you love another and cause so much suffering?

[Q]

Ok, I'm not trying to be mean and stuff... but seriously, this guy has got to have something more than:
1) his wife is a bitch
2) his wife's lover is a bastard
3) he loves his daughter that's not his
4) he don't want to make this affair a huge thing coz it will affect the little girl.

Frankly speaking, I'm really sorry that his wife cheated him, which somehow I feel the story is probably made up... but guess what, he's probably a freaking asshole. Why?

"I mean, when men have needs, it is totally understandable.  But when women have needs, the consequences are different.  It can destroy a family.  I hate her with all my heart.  Seriously, I wish I could take her heart out right now."

In his own words... the classic selfish men dialogue. What does he even mean that it's understandable for men to have needs? Does that mean men can go out there and have affairs without consequences while his wife cant? Why is it in his mind, only men can do these type of actions and not women? Not that it's a good thing to do, but it should apply to both genders. Ridiculous. As much as his wife is in the wrong, he probably have a sickening attitude to begin with.

Geez... Get married and get into trouble... and on top of that can't leave because they have a kid (not his, but he claims to love the kid) AND because the guy has money. Give me a break...

[Ensapa]

Ok, I'm not trying to be mean and stuff... but seriously, this guy has got to have something more than:
1) his wife is a bitch
2) his wife's lover is a bastard
3) he loves his daughter that's not his
4) he don't want to make this affair a huge thing coz it will affect the little girl.

Frankly speaking, I'm really sorry that his wife cheated him, which somehow I feel the story is probably made up... but guess what, he's probably a freaking asshole. Why?

"I mean, when men have needs, it is totally understandable.  But when women have needs, the consequences are different.  It can destroy a family.  I hate her with all my heart.  Seriously, I wish I could take her heart out right now."

In his own words... the classic selfish men dialogue. What does he even mean that it's understandable for men to have needs? Does that mean men can go out there and have affairs without consequences while his wife cant? Why is it in his mind, only men can do these type of actions and not women? Not that it's a good thing to do, but it should apply to both genders. Ridiculous. As much as his wife is in the wrong, he probably have a sickening attitude to begin with.

Geez... Get married and get into trouble... and on top of that can't leave because they have a kid (not his, but he claims to love the kid) AND because the guy has money. Give me a break...

Well you do have a point. He probably said that because he has cheated on his wife before, probably a one night stand, or else he would not use  that to justify that it is okay for men to cheat on their partners. no matter who they are or what their gender is, there is no excuse to cheat. Another interesting thing to note:

Right now, I am just like a zombie.  I have been betrayed by someone who I thought would be there by my side when I was in my 60s and 70s.  Someone who would I thought would be there when I was old and senile.  But guess what, I have been hoodwinked.  I miss my little gal.  But then again, she was not mine to begin with.  Only a father can love so deep.  She may not be mine, but she will always be special to me.  I guess only Fathers would understand what I am going through right now.

Yeah...getting married just so that there is someone to take care of you when you grow old? that's a rather selfish reason to get married...

[WisdomBeing]

Agree with Q completely on the double standard - men can cheat but women can't? Ridiculous. Sexual misconduct is sexual misconduct. Buddha did not say sexual misconduct for women only. He does seem like a self-centered pr*ck which was probably why the wife strayed in the first place. Results resemble the cause. Even if she was wrong, he deserved it. No sympathy from me, sorry.

[Jessie Fong]

Agree with Q completely on the double standard - men can cheat but women can't? Ridiculous. Sexual misconduct is sexual misconduct. Buddha did not say sexual misconduct for women only. He does seem like a self-centered pr*ck which was probably why the wife strayed in the first place. Results resemble the cause. Even if she was wrong, he deserved it. No sympathy from me, sorry.

I agree with you totally.

Why should a man's cheating ways be accepted by society but not when the cheating party is the wife? 
Society has long dictated that men can cheat and have more than 1 wife -- history has recorded as men having a legal wife and many countless concubines.

It is not a practice of days gone by as clearly we see in this age and time, there are men who are still practising this.

[brian]

Cheat is cheat, sexual misconduct is sexual misconduct. It does not mean men can cheat on their wives while women can't. Hilarious coming to think of that. Are we still in the old days where it is entirely ok for men to have multiple wives and wives are not even supposed to hang out with a man. We are very known to the fact that karma does not only apply to women but every sentient beings so why men can cheat on their wives while women can't cause men do not have karma? ?

[yontenjamyang]

The crux of the matter is that both husbands and wives has taken vows to be faithful to each other. It doesn't matter if it is the husband who cheat or it is the wife. So as long as anyone cheats the vow is broken and it has consequences. The topic of cheating wives and husband are very personal and sensitive to society and hence the emotions and feelings are more intense and so is the consequences.

The main problem or delusion is lust and it caused the committing of sexual misconduct and lies. These in turn results in emotional turmoil of the affected spouses, children, families, friends; and in turn results in idle gossip, covetousness, anger....it can even lead to killing. In other word...samsara. If we contemplate, all acts of samsara can easily cause the committing of many other negatives.

We can see have a "simple" act of lust ie sexual misconduct can easily cause the commitment of all 10 negatives that the Buddha prescribed as vows for Buddhist not to commit. We can also see how things are intimately connected.

[angelsherfield]

Agreed with yontenzamyang.

No matter it's wife cheated husband or husband cheated wife, if either one initiated revenge and want the other partner to go through the pain that he/ she been through, there will be continuous cause and effect in this life or next life or may be forever. When will all this finish or put a fullstop to it? Unless we learn dharma, learn to let go the past, learn to forgive and learn to b compassion.

[pgdharma]

This guy is a male chauvinist. He is upset of his wife infidelity. But what if it is the other way around; he would expect his wife to be understanding and acceptable of his infidelity. Sexual misconduct is sexual misconduct irrespective of gender. His “poor me” blog may appeal to some, but it does not appeal to me. He sounded like a selfish, revengeful, self-centered guy trying to get attention.

[Ensapa]

Another thing that I find disturbing about this blog is how the author had said that the only motivation for him to marry his wife was so that someone would be by his side when he is old. Your wife is not a pet! She does not exist to serve you until she grows old! With that kind of stinky attitude, it is no wonder that the wife left him for someone else. How can someone love somebody just because they are afraid to be lonely and expect that there will be happiness from that? Being in love means taking care of each other, and not a one sided thing.

[Big Uncle]

LoL! You guys judge this man terribly just because he's a man. Anybody, whether it's a man or a woman who got cheated on, they would feel the same way and would express their anger in fairly the same way depending on their background. So why discuss it. How society views infidelity is another thing. Society is of course more accepting of man philandering about with other woman than it is with woman. That's the norm that can change with time and awareness and feminism.

However, it is not nice for either party and the karma is heavy. This particular story is probably made up but there are plenty of real stories happening all over the world. Sex is wild and fun but it can destroy families and emotional scar the child. Who cares about female and male equality! Has anyone thought about the child? As adults bicker about equality, what about the kid? This is Dharma without the sexual misconduct jargons thrown in.

[Ensapa]

LoL! You guys judge this man terribly just because he's a man. Anybody, whether it's a man or a woman who got cheated on, they would feel the same way and would express their anger in fairly the same way depending on their background. So why discuss it. How society views infidelity is another thing. Society is of course more accepting of man philandering about with other woman than it is with woman. That's the norm that can change with time and awareness and feminism.

However, it is not nice for either party and the karma is heavy. This particular story is probably made up but there are plenty of real stories happening all over the world. Sex is wild and fun but it can destroy families and emotional scar the child. Who cares about female and male equality! Has anyone thought about the child? As adults bicker about equality, what about the kid? This is Dharma without the sexual misconduct jargons thrown in.

Although the story is probably made up as an advertisement, it does reflect some prevalent attitudes that are around, especially concerning marriage and on cheating. This is more or less how asians think about the whole marriage deal, where it is like an insurance of someone taking care of you for life so you dont have to worry about being alone in your twilight years, so it is not necessarily out of love that some people marry and because the motivation is not sincere there are strayings and unhappiness all over and this does affect the children as they wonder why do their parents  not love each other.

[Manjushri]

Who in their sane mind would publish a blogpost on their cheating spouse? And even so, the guy said that he really cares for his daughter..wouldn't it embarass his daughter even more with this blogpost. How would his 'daughter' feel reading it, if she could. The end result of hurt towards the daughter is still the same.

Also, if you find out your spouse is cheating on you, and you can't take it anymore, do something about it. There's no need to garner sympathy from the whole wide world or display your dissatisfaction all over the internet. What do you get from it besides the same old feeling? Nothing. So move on.

Karma is karma. The result of the action will be felt by the individuals involved.

[metta girl]

No matter it's a woman or man cheating on their partners.It's still wrong and will caused alot of harm,disharmony and unhappiness to all related in the process. Most importantly the 'Trust' is gone. .If the victim mind is not strong enough , who knows what negative actions he/she will create. ....some will try to take revenge or commit suicide and collect alot of negative karma  for themselves...but if that person have been practicing Dharma then it  will be easier for him/her to let go for they should know that everything is impermanent...

[bambi]

Wow! This is the first time I see this. I have seen girlfriend thrashing their boyfriend's car and spray paint it but this is a bit too much. Since it is so hard and heart breaking, why not just take everything back and divorce? I believe that no matter what happened, the hubby shouldnt have done this. Just let them go and let them deal their own doing. My Dharma sister was also involved in a similar situation. She got so angry in the beginning when she found out but in the end, what the heck... life must go on and there is no point getting stuck and taking revenge like this. It never ends...